The Melancholy of Kratos
by TheBananaSlug
Summary: A Haruhi Fanfic with various characters swapped with different characters of my choosing including Haruhi with Kratos. Parody Fanfic. Not sure if I will continiue this, just writin' for fun. Rated M for Language, Violence, etc.
1. The Melancholy of Kratos Pt 1

**Banana Slug: Ya know, a whole lot of fanfics just switch characters around, like if it was Dante from DmC who was imprisoned with the Nine-Tailed Fox instead of Naruto or Goku swapped with Spongebob or some crap.**

**So, I decided to do a Haruhi Suzumiya fanfic where one character…**

**No, two characters…**

**Three…**

**FUCK IT! LET'S DO 'EM ALL! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAA!**

**(DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN HARUHI SUZUMIYA, SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS, GOD OF WAR, DOCTOR WHO, AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER, OR ANY OTHER TRADEMARK PRODUCT APPEARING IN THIS FANFIC. THIS IS ONLY INTENDED FOR FUN, NOT PROFIT. DO NOT SUE ME, I'M BROKE!)**

**The Melancholy of Kratos**

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 1: THE MELANCHOLY OF KRATOS PT. 1**

…I don't know why I am doing this…

Hi, my name is Squidward Tentacles, and I go to a Japanese School for High Schoolers, even though I am currently 33...but besides the point.

…Okay, to explain, I am a squid, a walking bald, clarinet-playing, 33-year old squid who had a job as a cashier at the Krusty Krab, underneath the ocean, mind you. And now I am here? What am I doing here! Why am I on dry land and not dying! What is-

"Hey, stupid!" yelled out a small voice, I looked to see a strange banana slug glaring at me.

"Um, hello?" I let out in confusion.

"Get on with it!" yelled the banana slug, "Or I dock your pay!"

"You don't pay me!" I snapped.

"GET ON WITH IT!" it then said with a demonic voice. With a torrent of sweat, I continued to monologue and walk to school, forgetting all that is wrong with this situation.

I don't believe in many things, even as a kid, I knew Santa was a fake…then of course was the Christmas episode that proved he was real…and kooky.

I also don't believe in aliens, time travelers, Espers, demons, angels, angles, God, Bigfoot, Sea Bears, wrestling, the Dark Lord Xenu, and circus people…but I do believe in Reptilians…they are very, very, VERY real…

And so, I walked to school, up a giant hill, created by the Earth, since there is no such thing as God.

Finally entering the grounds of my Japanese School for the beginning of this crappy school year. As I sat down on my desk, I just hope I don't see-

"Squidward?"

I looked terrified as I looked to see it was Spongebob, standing outside the door with Patrick, waving at me.

"…I hate this damn fanfic…"

* * *

><p>The teacher then walked in, it was…that teacher from Dexter's Lab?<p>

"Hello, students, and a fine first day of school it is, hm?" greeted the teacher. Well, this is surprising…

"Alright, time to see if everyone is here and, oh, hello Miss Asakura, glad you could make it," greeted the teacher, "Students, say hello to the Class President, Miss Ryoko Asakura."

I then turned to greet her, "Oh hi, how are yooooaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAH!" was what I said, when I saw a Xenomorph in a school uniform screaming at me, drool hitting the floor, her second mouth snapping at me.

"AAAAAAAAH! HAAAAAH! HAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAH! AAAAAAAH!" I screamed, even after she stopped screaming at me.

"…What the fuck, Squidward?" asked the teacher in confusion, "She was just saying hello."

I started to hyperventilate, I then nervously smiled and shook her…hand? She then crawled away on all fours and sat on her seat.

"Wow, Squidward," said a voice from the class.

"She snuck up on me!" I argued.

And that wasn't the worse of today, trust me, all my troubles, begin with one person yet to show up.

* * *

><p>The door slammed open, to reveal a large man in a girl's uniform, looking mad as hell. He had ash-colored skin, red tattoo markings, a goatee, an angry craggy face, scars galore, and chains covering his arms ending with a pair of scary blades.<p>

And yes, I said it, he was wearing a girl's uniform, but the sleeves were ripped right off the uniform. Wait, isn't that against the rules?

He stomped his way past the rows of scared classmates, finally sitting behind…great, he sat behind me! He just had to sit right behind me What luck do I have!

"Oh, hello, mind telling the class who you are?" asked the teacher nervously, he was then impaled by the scary blades and yanked from the podium, where he was swung out the window and split in half by a pole! A pole! That isn't even sharp! That means that hulk over there had to throw him extremely hard, and I am not, and I repeat, not denying he can't do!

He then growled with a dark and angry voice, "I am Kratos, and I am the God of War…"

For some reason, I heard dramatic music, pretty cool too, yet also making me want to crap in my pants, wondering if any 'expletive deleted' is going to go down…

* * *

><p>Throughout the month of May, it was pure horror. No one was safe from Kratos, the God of War, as he killed the schools toughest students.<p>

To list them, they were Ichigo Kurosaki, Naruto Uzimaki, the Hulk, Aang, King Kong, Frieza, Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger, Master Chief, and 30 imperfect clones of Chuck Norris.

He also killed some students that just pissed him off but were no threat to him, like the Teletubbies, the Dark Lord Xenu, and Sasuke Uchiha…that homosexual eunuch…

The worst part is that all the women are flocking to him, making people like me look completely inadequate…and the only women talking to me at all is that freaky Xenomorph creature, and all she does is scream at me, over and over and over again…

Wanna hear the worst part, I have to sit behind…no, wait…in front the crazy nutjob, I fear every day that Kratos is going to rip my head out at any moment…

Through all of the month, I never said anything to the guy, except when I came back from the bathroom, when I gave him the bathroom pass saying, "Here ya go", and making nothing of it.

That was it…until now…

* * *

><p>It was May 5th, and you all knew what that meant…yes, Lasagna Day. I ate my lasagna at my desk, Kratos was out eating a dead boar raw on the track, after killing it AND Edward Elric.<p>

"Hey, Squidward!" shouted Spongebob happily as he waved at me.

"Oh, great, now I have two problems!" I groaned.

"Hey, Squidward's here?" shouted Patrick in confused stupidity.

"Now three," I sighed.

"How's your school year, Squidward?" shrilled Spongebob, "Fantastic, huh?"

"No, I have to sit behind…I mean, in front of that raging behemoth Kratos!" I argued.

"Oh, he's not that mean!" scoffed Patrick.

"Oh, really?" I interrogated, "He threw you all the way to Germany after you accidentally tripped him, and you were savagely beaten by fans at a Rammstein concert.

"…Oh yeah," remembered Patrick, he then said to Spongebob, "Till Lindemann says hallo."

"So, he's rough around the edges, I can say that," reassured Spongebob kindly, "But that's only because he was tricked by the Greek God of War, Ares, to kill his wife and daughter, leaving him more psychologically scarred than normal."

"Hm," I replied as I bit into my lasagna.

"All he needs is a caring hand," Spongebob advised me, "Just show him some kindness and all will be well!"

I didn't want to do it, but if it will get me out of this fanfic, might as well get killed and never appear on this fanfic ever again.

"If I die," I told them, "You guy's stay away from my funeral!"

* * *

><p>After lunch, I sat nervously as Kratos sat behind me. I quickly then turned around and greeted, "Hi", and turned back around.<p>

"…Hello," replied Kratos, spooking me a bit.

"Um, how are you today?" I asked nervously.

"Angry, angry that there are no opponents left in the school," growled Kratos.

"Hm, well, that's because you killed them all," I replied, not knowing of the danger I am putting myself into, turning into a nervous wreck.

"That is true, Tentacles, that is true," Kratos growled, lost in thought.

Great, you gave the Greek version of Chuck Norris an idea…moron…

I mean, what is he gonna do? Is he gonna start a tournament? Go on a killing spree? Start a World War? I had to give him an idea on May 5th...Lasagna Day…a date that has NOTHING to do with death! What could it be?

* * *

><p>The next day, it seemed normal, except for the fact that Kratos killed the principal today…<p>

…poor Principal Galactus…

Suddenly, my head was grabbed by Kratos and I was thrown across the room, with most of my…bones? Let's just say bones…alright, with most of my "bones" broken.

"What the wide world of sports was that for!" I yelled out.

"I have an idea!" answered Kratos in a grim tone, "We are going to start are own club!"

"…and why did you grab my head and throw me at the wall!" I yelled.

"To get your attention," replied Kratos in a scowl.

I better not argue with his logic, he IS the God of War. He then grabbed my tentacle and dragged me across the school, dislocating my "bones" in the process, me screaming in agony.

He then threw me at the door to a homeroom, I couldn't tell, I was in between unconscious and paralyzed from the neck down.

I got up and looked at the sign, it was a homeroom for a club, which would explain why Kratos dragged me here.

"Hey, isn't this the 'Yay Me! I'm London Tipton!' Club?" I asked curiously.

"Until she died from an accidental case of decapitation, disembowelment, and stab wounds," explained Kratos.

Well, this day is starting to look good. "So, how did you commission a…"

"Killed the principal," explained Kratos quickly.

"Ah," I replied just as quickly.

"Besides, we already have a member," explained Kratos, opening the door, revealing a room empty with only a bookshelf, lockers, a big table, a small table, a bunch of chairs, and a large metal trashcan…huh?

* * *

><p>"EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" screeched the trash-can, pointing it's mechanical eyestalk at me, with a ray gun and a plunger aimed at me.<p>

"AAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAH! Hah…hah…aaaAAAAAAAH! AAAH! AH! AH! AAAH! AAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAaaaaaAAAAAaaaAAAAAH!" I screamed in ear-breaking volumes.

"…What the fuck, Squidward?" growled Kratos.

"What is that!" I screamed.

"This is Dalek Yuki, an ex-member of the Cult of Skaro," explained Kratos, "She was once a member of the 'Yay Me! I'm London Tipton' Club, before I murdered her…I mean…yeah, I murdered her…"

"Ooooh kaaay…" I let out, creeped out by the Dalek staring at me. It just keeps on…staring at me…why is it staring at me…do I have something on my nose? Do I have a zit?

"Anywaaaayyyy," I said, still creeped out by Dalek Yuki, "We still need a teacher to supervise us."

"I am a teacher," replied Kratos.

"What?" I yelled in disbelief, "When?"

"When I murdered the principal," he continued.

"Oh, right," I replied, "Well, we still need two more members."

"Why?" replied Kratos with a growl.

"Because if this is going to be a parody, it will be a correct parody!" I argued defiantly, I was then karate chopped on the head by Kratos' palm, "Should'a known…"

"Anyway, we'll be having another member for our club," answered Kratos quickly, "She will attract male members to our cause…so that I can rip them in half!"

"Who?" I asked.

The door was then incinerated by an extremely blue fire blast, revealing the cold bitch herself, Azula, who will be replacing Mikuru because we decided to go with the anti-Moe thing, and there weren't any time traveling characters messed up enough to use and DON'T SAY TERMINATOR!

"Is this the SOS Brigade?" asked Azula with a glint of evil insanity as she held a blue fireball in her hand.

"SOS Brigade, what the heck does that mean?" I asked Kratos.

"Dalek Yuki thought of the name," explained Kratos.

"IT MEANS **S****OMETHING S****O****METHING SOMETHING DARK****S****IDE, SOMETHING SOMETHING COMPLETE** BRIGAAAAADE!" screeched Dalek Yuki.

"Okay, and what is miss Pyromaniac doing here?" I ordered.

"Well, Kratos said that there needed to be attractive women to be part of the brigade so he can rip them in half," explained Azula as Kratos walked behind her.

"I AM PRETTY!" screeched Dalek Yuki, "WHY NOT HAVE MEEE! I! AM! PRETTYYY!"

"Yeah, whatever, and…" she stopped when Kratos started to rub her shoulders, she then said with a…a smile… "Well…"

"Umm, what's going…on?" I let out.

"SEX MINI-GAME!" screeched Dalek Yuki.

"Alright, I am the leader, and I say, get the fuck out!" growled Kratos.

* * *

><p>I was then thrown out of the room and landed on my head, with Dalek Yuki following me out of the room.<p>

"Heh…" I let out, I then got up to see Dalek Yuki looking at me, "What are you looking at?"

"…"

"…Well?" I tempted unknowingly.

"…EX-TER-MIN-ATE! EX-TER-MIN-AAAAATE!" she screeched as she shot me with an electrical blast, ranging from "AAAAAAAAH! AAAAAH! AAAAAAH! OH! AAAAAH!" to "AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaAAAH! AAAAAAAGH! AAAGH! AAAAGH! NOOOO! THE PAIN! NAAAAAAAOOOOOO!".

What was left of me was a burnt crisp, staring at the possibly gloating Dalek Yuki…

Great, I talk to a crazy behemoth, and now I am in a stupid club, with him, getting to know a crazy princess better, and me, getting to know a crazy trashcan better…and not the way I wanted…

Wait, isn't Azula 14...or 16, meh, who can tell with anime and anime-based cartoons. Seriously, a ten year-old girl could look thirty-five and you wouldn't notice the difference, it's maddening…hehhhhh…

Spongebob…stay away from my funeral…

**The Banana Slug: Gawd, how much marijuana am I smoking? I don't know, cuz I don't even remember it! AAHAHAHAHAHAAA!**

**Well, this was just for fun, but I might finish Chapters 2 and 3, and I might continue if it was good enough, but judging how 'EFF'ed up it is, I do not know…**

**Anyway, here is a list of characters I replaced and a glossary as well…**

**KYON = SQUIDWARD TENTACLES (SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS)**

**HARUHI SUZUMIYA = KRATOS (GOD OF WAR)**

**YUKI NAGATO = DALEK YUKI (DOCTOR WHO-ISH)**

**RYOKO ASAKURA = XENOMORPH VERSION (ALIEN FILM SERIES)**

**MIKURU ASAHINA = AZULA (AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER)**

**TANIGUCHI = PATRICK STAR (SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS)**

**KUNIKIDA = SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS (TITAL CHARACTER)**

**TEACHER = TEACHER (DEXTER'S LAB)**

**VARIOUS UNSEEN STUDENTS = VARIOUS CHARACTERS KILLED BY KRATOS**

**BANANA SLUG = SELF-INSERT (DUH)**


	2. The Melancholy of Kratos Pt 2

**The Banana Slug: Well, looks like it was a hit…with one person at the time. I look at my E-mail, and saw that I got seven new E-mails, and I looked to see my Melancholy story had…one reader!**

**That may seem bad, but I got someone, I am a success! (Starts dancing a jig)**

**Now, I am gonna write a second chapter! To thanks to all my fan!**

**P.S. I am just over-reacting on purpose, thanks for reading…one guy! I salute ya!**

**THE MELANCHOLY OF KRATOS**

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 2: The Melancholy of Kratos Pt. 2**

Well, thanks to the Banana Slug over-reacting, there is another chapter…thanks! Like I needed more problems now! I could be sitting in my room, drinking hot cocoa and be playing golf, but now, I'm back here…I hate the Banana Slug.

Well, what can I say what happened last time you were here? Well, I was forced into a brigade by Kratos, the God of War, who killed most of the school's tough students, and I met a screaming Dalek and a Bizarro version of Mikuru Asahina…who can shoot fireballs.

Going up the hill, reminds me of the story of my Uncle Flaco, who kept on pushing a boulder up a hill, only to get his pay dock, and you know what happens later?

His wife leaves him for his dog…wait, that wasn't the right story.

As I was pondering this, I was quickly run the hell over by Ryoko Asakura, the class president and a mother-fucking Xenomorph! It screams at me as it tramples all over me, breaking many of my "bones". I think it said something it was getting to class, why would you say something like that? Why would I care? I don't! So why tell me? I don't know her! Why won't that freaky two-mouthed alien leave me alone!

I can't believe someone like "that" is in my class…along…with…

"SPONGEBOB!"

NO! Not you…today…

* * *

><p>Kratos, sitting in front of, I mean, behind my seat, bored and covered in blood. Who's blood, you ask? Before I answer that question, the latter should be "Who's blood he ISN'T covered in"! Freaking brute! No class at all! I am amazed he came from an artistic culture like Greece!<p>

Also, who's blood…who's blood…well, you remember that one Toonami show a long time ago? With that one samurai guy with the red hair…you do? Well…he killed him. Simple as that…

He then stomped towards me, breathing heavily, giving me goosebumps on my goosebumps on my goosebumps on my…wait, I'm not Spongebob…

"So, how's today?" I asked nervously.

"…I want a green man!" growled Kratos.

"Um, could a Mysterious Transfer Student do?" I corrected nervously.

"…No," replied Kratos grimly.

"Okay…" I let out, I then asked a question no one else was brave enough to ask, "Um, why are you wearing a girl's uniform?"

"This was all they had," explained Kratos with a glare, "But I submitted a uniform request, but I have not gotten my uniform yet."

"Hm, wonder what's taken 'em?" I asked to myself.

* * *

><p><em><strong>MEANWHILE, ON OLYMPUS<strong>_

A request form was burnt in the hands of the mighty god Zeus, as he shouted to the Heavens.

"Kratos, you will be forced to never receive your male uniform! SO SAYETH ZEUS, GOD OF ALL OLYMPUS!"

* * *

><p>Well, after that awkward moment, I ate my hot wings…yes, this school serves hot wings, I take it back, this place is amazing! Anyway, I ate my hot wings with the only two people who would sit with me…Spongebob and Patrick…<p>

I heard there has been a rumor around school that me and Kratos are up to something, but I didn't know there was one until Patrick told me.

"There has been a rumor around school that me and Kratos are up to something," let out Patrick almost haphazardly.

"Don't you mean me and Kratos?" I asked.

"…Ummm, yeah?" grunted Patrick.

"So, are you guy's dating?" asked Spongebob in passive teasing.

I was then hit by a nightmare of me…and Kratos…naked…sweaty!…on a bed!…with lotion!…with a gerbil in the room!…on top of…

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" I screamed in horror out loud, causing everyone to look at me.

"What the fuck, Squidward!" yelled out a student.

"So, I take it as a no?" asked Spongebob quietly. My only reaction was a snake-like hiss.

"Okay…" let out Spongebob, "That's…nice to…know…"

* * *

><p>After Kratos murdered London Tipton and took the clubroom as his own, creating the…SOS Brigade…it has been filled with many things like…<p>

A smaller table, a fridge, a tea set, a boom box, a closet full of costumes for…apparently no reason, a ping-pong table, a Jacuzzi, and a dead hooker…

"Are we just going to ignore the dead hooker?" I asked out loud.

"Yes," sternly grunted Kratos, who was for some reason, sitting on the smaller table, looking out the window.

For a whole hour, he was silent, he then got off and said from out of nowhere, "I want a computer."

"…Why?" asked Azula.

"We are living in the information age, and I cannot forgive them for not giving us a computer," growled Kratos.

"Who?" asked Azula.

"Reptilians, Azula," I quickly pointed out, "Reptilians." I looked over my shoulder to see if a reptile was there…thankfully, it was only Dr. Curt Banner, eating the dead hooker…oh, so that's the reason for the dead hooker…

"So, that is why we are going to get a computer," explained Kratos as he stomped towards me.

"We aren't gonna rob a computer store, are we?" I asked nervously.

"Too easy," replied Kratos, "We are hitting somewhere closer."

"Where?" I asked.

"…Closer…" was all the he replied in his gruff tone, smelling the boar meat he just ate. Wait, maybe it was fish tacos.

* * *

><p>Me, Kratos, and Azula then walked over to the Computer Club homeroom, with Kratos and Azula kicking down the door.<p>

The room was foggy and dark, with many club members at computers, which were the only source of light in the room. There was Spock, Speedy Gonzales, a pinky demon from Doom 3, and Chris Griffin, all at the computers.

"Who is your leader!" ordered Kratos, just as the pinky demon jumped on me and proceeded to rip my face apart, me screaming in pain.

From the shadows, rose Lo Pan, with that creepy pedo stare he has, along with his long fingernails.

"Aaaah, hello, Mr. Burton," hissed Lo Pan…huh?

"Lo Pan…" growled Kratos.

"What brings you here, Mr. Burton, surely it is not because of my free egg rolls," hissed Lo Pan.

"I have come for your one of your computers!" growled Kratos.

Lo Pan glared and ordered the pinky demon, "Lái ba!" The pinky demon then stopped ripping my face and ran to Lo Pan.

"And what makes you think you can have one, Mr. Burton?" taunted Lo Pan.

"I believe he is attempting to threaten us, Captain," answered Spock, "I find it highly logical, to spare our lives, to quickly give him one."

"ANJING!" ordered Lo Pan Spock, and then turned back to us, "Like I said…how?"

Kratos then grabbed Azula and walked to Lo Pan. He then grabbed Lo Pan's hand and placed it on…Azula's…left breast.

Lo Pan looked nervous, as did Azula. Lo Pan then screamed and fell to the ground, panting on his knees. I stood there, in my own blood, shocked. Azula was shocked, still looking at her left breast.

"Lo Pan, senior! What is the muy problemo!" screamed Speedy.

"I'm afraid the captain has suffered a case of prema…"

"Bi Zui!" screamed Lo Pan as he got up. He then was shocked to see Kratos with a video camera.

"No, please, Mr. Burton, the women of this school brag about my sensual power!" begged Lo Pan, wow, really? "And this will destroy me if this get's out!"

"Give us a computer, or I will release this tape to the school, and let you live in misery," ordered Kratos, with dramatic music playing.

Lo Pan then held out his hand and lightning came out, striking Kratos, hitting him on the wall. Kratos then pushed against the lightning with his blades and entered Lo Pan's space, where he grabbed his head and threw him at Chris Griffin.

"Ooooww!" cried Chris Griffin, "Mommy! MOOOMMYYYY! WAHAHAAAAAH!"

"Alright, alright!" repeated Lo Pan as he got up, "My attempt has failed, I can give you that, you may have our old computer." Pointing at an old piece of crap of a computer…well, "expletive deleted" was unsurely about to go down, I call tell you that…

"No, we'll take that one!" growled Kratos, pointing at a large seven foot computer that looked like something from Tron.

"What, I just got it ten minutes ago, you brute!" screamed Lo Pan.

"That, or the whole school knows you are impotent," ordered Kratos.

Lo Pan looked nervous and angry, he then sighed and tearfully said, "Fine, take it, quick, before I plead you to leave it…"

Kratos then grabbed the computer and dragged it as the other members comforted Lo Pan for his lose. Azula still stood, looking at her breast, I walked over and asked, "You okay?"

"…I feel violated…" she replied.

I was then attacked by the damn pinky demon again, screaming as Kratos smashed the computer through the door and the demon ripping my face off.

I hate this world…I hate this world…I hate this world…

* * *

><p>Well, we are now blackmailing Lo Pan with the proof that he releases gravy too soon. We found out later that the room was without Internet connection, but that was soon fixed when Kratos punched the computer.<p>

It suddenly, for some reason, started having internet access, for no reason other than not to be hit again, but that is…never mind…

Can anyone say "abusive"? No? Well, you are unintelligent idiots so you should go kill yourselves!

Azula was still slightly traumatized, and I don't blame her, she was just groped by a creepy old Chinese dude who proceeded to splooge in his robe.

"You okay?" I asked.

"NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, GET OFF MY BACK!" screamed Azula, who then shot lightning at me from her fingertips, shocking me to the point of being near-paralyzed, unable to leave the hallway.

As I laid on the ground, she said to herself, "Hm, feel much better!" She then walked past me.

"Glad I could help," I replied weakly.

I pretty much laid there for an hour, until Kratos came in and stomped on my head, breaking my "skull".

"Squidward, get up, I need you to make a web-page, now!" ordered Kratos, "If you do not, I will rip your skin off and eat it!"

He then stomped out of the room. I got up after a while of pain…excruciating pain, and walked back to the SOS Brigade, where I proceeded to make the damn website.

After an hour of brain-numbing instructions and making twenty mistakes, with me, crying in a corner, wondering why it won't work, about ten times, I finally made it…semi-presentable…website…with nothing on it.

"Hey, Dalek Yuki," I said to her, who was…staring at me, "What do you want on the website?"

"POOOOOORN!" screeched Dalek Yuki.

"Um, no," I replied quickly. Not that I should get involved but…what was for lunch tomorrow, I've been trying to figure that out, but I just…can't figure that one out.

"TAKE IIIIT!" screeched Dalek Yuki, as she pushed a book in my face, "REEAAAD!"

She then scooted out of the room, I looked to see it was…_Lolita_…

"How appropriate," I sighed to myself in annoyance.

* * *

><p>The next day was pretty normal, Kratos killed Robot Hitler…again…and today was Hummus Day, a kid had to go to the emergency room because of his allergies…<p>

I never saw that kid again…

After school, I entered the SOS Brigade Room to find Dalek Yuki and Azula in there, what, doesn't Yuki have any Time Lords to get defeated by?

"Hey…Azula," I greeted.

"Cephalopod," harshly greeted Azula.

"So, how was your day?" I asked.

"Well, first I had a piece of toast, then I brushed my teeth," explained Azula, and she kept on talking, and talking, and talking, and talking, and talking, and talking, and talking, and talking, and…talking…and talking…and talking…and talking, until she finally said something that got my interest, "And that was the end of that."Finally. "Don't you got better things to do than become Kratos' slave?" I asked.

"Well, it is really degrading, but you don't know what he is like," she explained, then sporting a sultry voice, "Alone…in the night…in the…"

"NANANANAAA!" I yelled, closing my ears, "I don't wanna hear it!"

Suddenly, Toad was shot through the door, crashing through the window, and painfully dying below on the ground, shouting in strange delight, "YAHOOOO!"

"Yahoo?"

"YAAHOOOOOOooooOOOO!" Dalek Yuki screamed, pretty much whoring herself to the corporations.

Kratos then stomped into the room, sporting a grim face, covered in blood. Why is he always covered in blood?

He then handed out pamphlets explaining all about the SOS Brigade. All it had was a picture of Kratos glaring at you, holding my disembodied head…oh, that's just pleasant…

"Me and Azula will be handing them outside, so we can get new members to kill and have sex with," explained Kratos.

"Okay," I replied simply.

Kratos then pulled out some costumes and threw them onto the table, Azula then looked at him and said grimly, "Undress…"

Azula looked at him with surprise, and then gave a sly and sexy smile, "Well, only if something else comes from this…"

Crap, I'm getting out of here, it's not that I don't want to see THAT…it's mostly because I don't want to prove I am anything like Lo Pan…

* * *

><p>After waiting for hours, peeping at the girls exercising outside, with their red little panty uniforms…my god, I am a sexual predator…better watch out for Chris Hansen…<p>

"Alright, you may come in now," ordered Kratos.

I then entered to see Azula, dressed in sexy lingerie, with those…knee high red stockings, red boots…red thong…red see-through bra…red choker…oh god, I'm Lo Pan…

"Stop staring," ordered Azula.

Gah! Think Sasuke, genderless, androgynous, without a life…scratch that last one…

Kratos was dressed as a Soul Reaper, which looked…pretty awesome…

"Now, we are going to give this pamphlets, hopefully, we can finally get more members," he growled as he dragged an embarrassed Azula by the arm outside.

Might as well…pick up…these…clothes…damn you, Lo Pan Curse…

Hm, it makes me wonder, how are they gonna attract members?

* * *

><p>Kratos and Azula just stood there, at the gates of the school, as no one seemed to pass them, always going through the back entrance.<p>

A student then walked over, where Kratos then roared out, "OBEY!", causing the student to have a massive heart-attack and die.

Eventually, they were told to leave by a teacher, he was killed. Then another teacher, he was killed. Then another, and they obeyed…I mean, it WAS Chuck Norris after all.

Well, after the meeting, I went to my locker, to find a note in it. I looked and it read in bold letters…

"COME TO MEEEE! FOLLOW THE ADDREEEEESS! YOU WILL OBEEEY! OBEEEEY! OBEEEEEEEEY!"

Hm, wonder who that could be…

Well, I followed the address, leading me to a Dalek Ship parked ontop of an apartment building…yeah, that's not strange at all.

I knocked on the door, only to be savagely zapped by the shielding of the ship, screaming in painful agony, getting possible electric damage for years to forever come.

The door opened to reveal Dalek Yuki. "GREETINGS SUB-CREATURE! ENTER! ENTERRRR!"

"Okay, okay, stop screaming at me!" I shouted, I was then zapped by her lasers. Why am I a big blue punching bag?

* * *

><p>When I entered, she served us up some tea, me looking at her blue eyestalk, looking at me. I tried to make a conversation, but all I could say was…<p>

"Uhhh, hm, eh…okay…well…heheh, hm…so…uh, well…how was your day?"

"SILENCE!"

"Okay," I replied quickly.

After an hour of silence, she finally said something. "WOULD YOU LIKE SOME MORE TEEEAAA!"

"Huh, oh, yeah, yes I would…"

After two more hours, she finally said something else, with a little bit more importance.

"SQUIDWARD…I AM AN ALIEN!"

I too was silent for a while, before I exclaimed in the top of my lungs, "NO SHIT!"

**The Banana Slug: Last one was ten pages, this one was twelve pages, mainly cuz I tired to do the scenes from the anime, but I might as well do a rough draft from now on. No longer trying to be chronologically correct, as I hate Cronus. He's a big jerk, he eats his own children? And he never thought of making Rhea get her tubes crossed, bullshit!**


	3. The Melancholy of Kratos Pt 3 and a half

**The Banana Slug: You know what would be an awesome fanfic lemon? Kratos and Haruhi! Fuckin'! That would be awesome!**

**Anyway, I had trouble with Itsuki's character, as I couldn't figure out whether it should be Charles Xavier or another character, but after watching the character on a show last night, I chose him, and I have never been more proud with the results, boi!**

**Start the fanfic!**

**THE MELANCHOLY OF KRATOS**

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 3: The Melancholy of Kratos Pt. 3 ½**

"Okay, can you say that again, just in case the readers were not paying attention?" I asked.

"I AM AN ALIEN!" screeched Yuki.

"Okay, something I would _never_ guess at!" I said with sarcasm.

"YOUR SARCASM IS NOT NEEDED, SUB-CREATURE!" screeched Yuki.

"Okay, okay, so why are you here?" I asked, knowing I am about to get a long and confusing talk.

"I AM HERE BECAUSE OF KRATOS!" she screeching explained, "BELIEVE IT OR NOT, KRATOS IS A GOD! AND NOT JUST ANY GOD, BUT THE GOD OF WAR!"

"Knew that," I replied nonchalantly.

"AS YOU HAVE REMEMBERED, I WAS ONCE THE SOLE FEMALE OF THE CULT OF SKAARO! BUT AFTER MANY CASES OF SEXUAL HARRASMENT, I LEFT, TAKING OVER TEN MILLION OF THEIR CREDITS IN A BRUTAL FIVE-YEAR LONG LAWSUIT!"

"Okay, but what does Kratos have to do with…" I asked her.

"SILENCE!" ordered Yuki, "OR YOU WILL BE EX-TERM-IN-ATED!"

"Okay, just don't zap!" I advised.

"I SAID SIIIILENCE!" she screeched, and I was hit by 500,000 volts of electricity, causing me to scream in agony once more, electrical damage seeping into my "spine".

As I laid in agony, she kept on explaining, "AND THEN, I DECIDED TO JOIN THE BORG, THEN I LEEEFT! AND THEN, I JOINED THE BUGS OF KLANDATHUU, BUT I REMEMBERED I HATE BUGS, THEN I LEEEFT! AND SO, WITH NOWHERE ELSE TO GO, I DECIDED TO PROTECT THE UNIVERSE, INSTEAD OF DESTROY IT, AND WHEN IT NO LONGER NEEDS PROTECTION, I WILL EX-TERM-IN-ATE IT!"

"A little jaded, but understandable," I let out.

"I SAID SIIIILENCE!" she then floated up in the air and pretty much body slammed me to the floor, crushing me.

Huh, what is that thing in front of me? Is that a Dalek turd? No, wait, that's my stomach…

"AND SO, TO PROTECT ALL SPECIES, BIG AND SMAAAALL, I DECIDED TO JOIN THE SOS BRIGADE, WHICH I NAAAAMED, SO THAT I MAKE SURE KRATOS DOES NOT DESTROY IT!"

"O rly?" I asked.

"YA RLY!" replied Yuki.

"No wai!" I exclaimed.

"WAI!" screeched Yuki.

"How?" I asked weakly.

"WE MUST KEEP HIM ENTERTAINED, IF HE DOES NOT, HE WILL GO IN A RAMPAGE AND KILL EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE!"

"Why not just kill him yourself?" I interrogated, "It would do the universe a BIG help!"

"…ARE YOU CRAZY, MAN! HE IS A MOTHER-FUCKING GOD OF WAR, I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH THAT SHIIIIIT!"

"Okay, but why are you telling me all this?" I asked, she then slid off me, pulling my skin in the process, "Ow…"

"YOU SEE, KRATOS, HAS CHOSEN YOU…" she screeching explained. I don't know what that means, I just hope it isn't some homoerotic choosing, but a choosing to spare my life when he decides to go kill everyone in the flippin' universe.

"NOW, GET OUT OF MY EFFIN' HOUSE BEFORE I SCREAM RAAAAPE! RAAAAAPE! RAAAAAAAAAPE!" screeched Yuki.

"Did someone scream rape?" said a Mounty as he busted through the door.

* * *

><p>Well, after spending a day in the pokey, and having corn…stuck up…hehhhhhh, don't wanna talk about it…<p>

Well, when I got into my classroom, I was punched square in the face by muscle man himself.

"You know who else got punched in the face? MY MOM!"

Thanks, Muscle Man, but I was NOT talking about you. I was talking about Kratos.

"What in Nostalgia Critic's hat is wrong with you!" I yelled.

"Squidward," growled Kratos, "I win…"

"Huh?" I let out in confusion.

"A green man just transferred here," revealed Kratos, "And I am going to have him join the brigade!"

"Why?" I asked.

"Because, Squidward!" growled Kratos, he then stomped on me and continued off…even though class isn't over…

Then again, who's gonna be the one to tell him otherwise…

* * *

><p>After school, I saw that Dalek Yuki and Azula were there first, Kratos is always tardy, though he <span>could<span> just be killing more strong people, he killed Nappa just yesterday…

"Um, hi, Azula," I greeted nervously.

"Cephalopod," greeted Azula quickly.

"So, how was your day?" I asked.

"Well, first I had a piece of toast, then I brushed my teeth, and then I…"

"Nevermind," I interrupted, then I asked, "Wanna play Chess?"

"I hate Chess," replied Azula.

"…Okay," I let out. Boy, try to be nice to fire queen and I get flamed.

Then, Kratos busted through the door and…how many times did that door get blasted down in some way? Anyway, he had in his hand the head of a devil monster, now that is awesome!

"I will know like to introduce you to our new member," growled Kratos.

"Let me, please," said a voice behind him. Suddenly, from the back, Kratos revealed a green man with black hair, a black goatee, yellow eyes, wearing a male uniform, and floating in the air.

"I am MENTOK! THE MIND-TAKER! BOOWEEYOOAAWEEYOOO!" he introduced, and suddenly a plane crashed just outside of the window, all of them breaking from the shockwave.

"Yes, this is Mentok, the Mind-Taker," introduced Kratos, I then heard Mentok let out a small, "Booweeyoop", and Kratos continued, "The squid there is named…"

"SQUIDWARD TENTACLES!" yelled Mentok, "The Dalek in the back is Dalek Yuki, and that fiery hot oriental woman is Azula of the Fire Nation, and you are Kratos, God of War!"

Know-it-all…

"I heard that!" snapped Mentok as he forced me to the wall, cracking my "bones".

"Ow!" I groaned.

"Well, now that is over," growled Kratos, he then looked at Azula, "Azula, get your ass over here!""Again, Kratos?" asked Azula, "I'm still recovering from last time!"

"I'm leaving," I quickly said, getting up from my place of hurt.

"I'm staying!" announced Mentok, as he floated in the air and summoned up a bag of popcorn out of nowhere.

"I AM STAYING…FOR RESEAAARCH!" screeched Dalek Yuki.

Not that I don't want to see a free show, but not if Kratos is there…I might be perverted in this fanfic, but I'm not suicidal. Being in the proximity of Azula and Kratos doin' it is like being around while a gorilla and a grizzly bear mate…disturbing, I know, but true…

* * *

><p>After an hour, I walked into the room…turns out I was a little too early.<p>

"Not in the hair, I have a swim meet today!"

"BOOWEEYOOP!"

Crap, so that's what a Venusian Butterfly looks like…

* * *

><p>After another hour, I came back to see everything was completely normal…as it gets…<p>

Azula was in a maid outfit, serving tea. Dalek Yuki was staring at me…again…and Mentok, he was making mice act out Sweeney Todd, snuff style.

"So, what do we do around here?" asked Mentok, sounding incredibly bored.

Kratos then announced, with dramatic music playing, "We are going to find opponents of extreme power…and kill them…brutally!"

…

The world came to a screeching halt…what, you think metaphorically, no, I mean that we were pushed to the walls as the world completely stopped, with millions of people being flung out into space!

An hour later, after the world returned to it's rotation. Mentok asked angrily, "Who stopped the world again?"

"Reptilians," I replied.

"Ah, I knew it!" growled Mentok.

"Well, let us not dabble on what happened, tomorrow, we are going to go and find our opponents!" announced Kratos, "And murder them!"

"Okay," I replied, in my usual nonchalant way.

He then turned to Azula. "We are going to have to take pictures of you."

"Why?" interrogated Azula.

"One, because I said so, and two, because we need pictures for the site, and three, because I said so!" growled Kratos.

"Oh yeah, let's get Victoria's Secret here!" yelled out Mentok in delight.

"I like you," replied Kratos in a gruff monotone.

"Thank you," replied Mentok with a smile.

"Oh, come on, can't you leave her alone for a minute?" I asked, trying to protect Azula…for some reason…

Azula sighed and said, "Cephalopod, I am not visiting your funeral."

"Huh?" I let out. I was then kicked in the stomach by Kratos, sending me all the way to Germany, getting my ass beaten by Rammstein fans at their concert.

By the way, Till Lindemann says hallo.

* * *

><p>After I got back from the hospital in Germany and from Germany, I met Kratos and the others at the place…you know, the place…with the statue of Brock Samson…yeah, that place!<p>

I saw them waiting for me, with Kratos in his red loincloth, Azula in her red Fire Nation armor, Dalek Yuki in her…trash-can thing like last time, and Mentok in his black/purple spandex…oh, and I am in my brown t-shirt.

"You are ten days late, Squidward," growled Kratos.

"You kicked me!" I argued.

"Penalty!" growled Kratos as he sliced my head off. I was dead for a while, where I met my deceased grandma…and a demon was sticking a hot iron in my eyeball and forcing me to drink molten lead.

I was quickly revived somehow by Mentok, I asked him how he did it, and he said, "Mind-Taking! That's how!"

Well, I had to pay for lunch…at Zanzibar's…and we all drew straws, to see who would go with who…

Well, apparently from Kratos' blood-inspired logic, I am paired with Azula, and he is with Mentok and Dalek Yuki.

"Alright, you go find us a television while me and the others go find and kill the Ice Cream Monster from that one episode of Codename: Kids Next Door," ordered Kratos when we went outside, "And if you do not find us a television, I will kill you!"

"What did I do?" I argued.

"Die," replied Kratos quickly…well, I cannot argue with that…

* * *

><p>After Azula stole a television from the Nohara family, probably causing psychological trauma for the family, mainly because of "Miss Psycho-Hottie" here.<p>

"Hey, Cephalopod," Azula said out of nowhere as we walked with the television.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"I'm a time traveler," she revealed nonchalantly.

"Hm…no shit," I replied, then I realized something and yelled out, "Wait a minute, no you aren't, you are a princess of the Fire Nation!"

"No, I'm a time traveler!" argued Azula, "And if you disagree one more time, I will give you a long speech explaining why I am!"

"…Okay, you're a time traveler," I agreed hesitantly, "But why are you here?"

"Well, it turns out the world I am from is actually the future, the Avatar world, well, in the future, Kratos will destroy your world in a blind raging boredom, creating chaos everywhere, and eventually my world, but was prophesized that he would come back and destroy my world, so Aang, the Avatar, was sent back first using the ancient art of…"

"Time-Bending?"

"No, Doc Brown's time traveling DeLorean," answered Azula, "He attempted to defeat Kratos, attempting to stop him from going into the future and destroying the future of my future, and was killed, and then I was sent back in time by time-traveling Borgs to make sure Kratos does not destroy my world, or he would end up creating a hell on Earth…"

"What?" I asked.

"A live-action version of my world directed by M. Night Shyamalan," revealed Azula cryptically. I shuddered in fear.

"So, how does he come to your world?" I asked.

"That's classified," she answered.

"Okay, when will this all happen?" I asked.

"That's classified."

"Is everything classified?"

"…He's on to me," Azula said to herself out loud, and then three Borgs came out of nowhere and started to beat me with bats over and over and over again, me screaming with every blow.

After they left me broken and bruised, I then got up, pain felt everywhere and said weakly, "Got it, classified…"

"Good, now you know why I am doing this," explained Azula.

"Not really, you pretty much confused me," I explained.

"Well, it's time-travel, when is anyone not confused by time travel," explained Azula, "It would've been better if I didn't tell you anything."

"Then why did you tell me?" I asked.

"Because Kratos chose you," revealed Azula. Great, homoerotic or platonic, I have NO idea!

"Great, so, Kratos has chosen me…for what?" I asked.

"Classified," replied Azula with a smirk.

"GAH!"

Great, I can't understand this crap, seriously, who wants to trade places, please, you can, trust me, you'd be doing me a good favor!

"You know who else wants to trade places? MY MOM!"

…

…Dammit…

* * *

><p>Me and Azula gave the TV to Kratos, who has slain the Ice Cream Monster from the one episode of Codename: Kids Next Door, beat the game "Bayou Billy", and finally killed Captain N: the Game Master.<p>

Other than that, it was pretty normal…

After the weekend passed, apparently Satan came to Earth on a burning horse and heated up the temperature of the world, causing ice floes to melt and killing millions.

…Kratos was the only one not affected by the whole thing…

* * *

><p>After school, I decided to drop into the SOS Brigade homeroom to talk to a certain "green man", whom I found making the fans go up and down with a bored expression.<p>

"Hey, Mentok, are you…"

"An Esper? Yes, yes I am, but don't let Kratos find out!" warned Mentok. I looked to see Kratos on his chair, looking at us.

"Okay?" I let out in confusion.

"Follow Mentok!" he yelled, he then flew out the window.

"I'll take the stairs…" I replied, leaving the room.

Kratos sat quietly, he then turned to Dalek Yuki and said, "You're an alien, aren't you?"

Dalek Yuki was silent, staring at him, she then started to freak out, screaming, "COM-PRA-MIZED! COM-PRA-MIIIIIIZED!", and then knocked down the table.

* * *

><p>As me and Mentok sat down, he made a pair of soda cans appear facing each other. He then made the soda leave the can and enter his mouth.<p>

"Mmm, you do not know what you are missing out with being a psychic, Squidward," gloated Mentok, "It fuckin' rocks!"

"Alright, alright, get on with the long speech about Kratos," I sighed.

"Alright, Mr. Grumpy pants, let me start," said Mentok with a smile, "Well, you see, as you know from his announcement at the start of school, he is the God of War, that ain't no joke, he is the actual factual Greek God of War, got it after he killed Ares and all!"

"Yeah, yeah, get on with it," I sighed, tired of hearing these stupid speeches.

"You see, I come from an organization of psychics who think that the reason we all got our powers is because we are descended from Kratos, a bunch of people say otherwise that we actually were created from the dreams and beliefs of a deity called Haruhi, but we try to ignore them…we are currently having a major dispute with them right now, it's not important."

"What organization?" I asked.

"Organization XIII! AHAHAHAHAHAno, not really, be weird if we were," replied Mentok quite haphazardly.

"Okay, continue," I replied."Weeeeeell, Grumpypants, we are attempting to make Kratos happy or he will destroy all of the universe in blind raging boredom," explained Mentok, waving his hands around, "We are attempting to make sure that Kratos will not create the future of Azula's world and create an alternate timeline that we can all live in in peace, understand?"

"Yeah, I guess, but why are you waving your hands around?" I asked.

"…I have Parkinson's, you dick!" snapped Mentok, still moving his hands around.

"Okay, so, why are you telling me all this?" I asked.

"Because, Kratos chose you…" explained Mentok, he then added, "No homo…"

"…Can you prove to me that you are psychic?" I asked.

Mentok looked at me with disbelief and annoyance, "What have I been doing all this time, you moron!"

"…Oh, right…"

* * *

><p>Afterwards, I walked to the SOS Brigade room, where I accidentally saw something I can never unsee. It was Azula, in her underwear, with her back turned.<p>

Boy, was I lucky to see that…that IS until I was shot in the stomach with a lightning bolt, impaling me and making me fall on my back.

Great, am I dead, is this over? Good, I just hope I don't get resurrected by Mentok or something. Boy, would it be great if I stayed dead? That would be awesome.

"You know who else wants to stay dead? MY MOM!"

Oh, great…Muscle Man is the devil…

…Should'a known…well, what's the worse that could happen…

"Don't worry, I, Mentok, the Mind-Taker, should be able to revive him!"

…Damn you, Haruhi and/or Kratos, damn you…

**The Banana Slug: Well, even if only a few people read the story, I'll keep on making chapters, in hopes that it actually factually get's popular…**

**Then again, what's the chances that will happen…**

"You know who else is popular? MY MOM!"

…**Okay?**


	4. The Melancholy of Kratos Pt 42

_**The Banana Slug: Well, last time I checked, I only got…23 hits…but screw it, might as well write more chapters since I have no life.**_

_**Anyway, I hope no one thinks I hate Haruhi out there, I am just kidding, so to speak! The reason I do this cuz I love the series so much and if you truly love something, make fun of it, or you become a Sasuke clone that everyone except other Sasuke clones hates!**_

_**REMEMBER: DON'T ACT LIKE SASUKE, KIDS! IT IS NOT COOL!**_

_**SPECIAL THANKS TO GMOD IDIOT BOX FOR THE COOLEST THING EVER!**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>THE MELANCHOLY OF KRATOS<strong>_

_**By The Banana Slug**_

_CHAPTER 4: The Melancholy of Kratos Pt. 42_

_AKA_

_THE WRATH OF DARKORATH_

* * *

><p>…<em>Who will not be appearing in this series…fingers cross for the movie!<em>

_Well, as you can see, I was resurrected by Mentok…dammit…_

"_You're welcome!"_

_Yeah, yeah, get outta my head! The next day, I entered class to see Kratos with his head on the table, bored and angry…a terrible combination…_

"_Hey, Kratos," I greeted, taking my seat behind…I mean, in front of him._

"_Squidward," replied Kratos._

"_Didn't see you last meeting…when I was murdered by Azula," again, thank YOU very much Mentok! "I thought we were going to have a review session?"_

"_I did it myself, and I hated it, so I killed it!" growled Kratos._

_Suddenly, Ryoko appeared in front of me and screamed at me, saliva hitting my face like bullets._

"_Will you stop screaming at me!" I argued, "I cannot understand a word you are saying!"_

"_She says it would be cool if someone died," answered Kratos, "I don't know, I wasn't paying attention."_

_Before I could say anything, Ryoko then impaled a student with her tail and ran to her desk, the student screaming bloody murder._

"_Why don't you go and do some fun stuff?" I asked as Ryoko was eating the student alive._

"_Like what?" growled Kratos as the student screamed out, "FOR GOD'S SAKE, HELP ME!"_

"_Well, why not go out for dates and stuff?" I asked, Ryoko then snapped the student's neck, killing him._

"_I don't believe in relationships after I killed my wife, sure, I fuck women more than ten a day," replied Kratos, "But they are more like friends I like to fuck raw and hard over and over again, like Azula, XJ-9, Princess Peach, or Misty from Pokemon."_

"_Isn't Misty ten or something?" I asked._

"_It's Anime, who the hell can tell a woman's age on those damn shows!" groaned Kratos, slamming his head on the desk again._

_Poor Kratos, most of the strong students are either faking being sick, switched schools, went insane with fear, or killed themselves._

* * *

><p><em>I'm back in this fanfic because the author decided to make more chapters to keep on trying to be an internet celebrity, which will most likely <em>_not__ happen. Well, we ARE a hit in Poland…by one person…on one chapter…_

_So, I guess we aren't really a hit anywhere…_

…_You know, my life ever since I met Kratos has been hell after hell after hell! I died just last chapter, I was mauled by a revamped video game monster, kicked all the way to Germany, and found out Muscle Man was the devil!_

_But you know what, as I thought in the SOS Brigade room as Azula was pouring me tea in her maid outfit…on my crotch…_

_Well, today, after school, I found a note, which simply said to go to Room 9 and 3 ¼ at 4:34 PM and 15 seconds and wait for someone…okay, who sent me the note?_

_Was it Dalek Yuki? She did uncharacteristically give me a note last time, but it was cap locked and was in Dalek speak…the note I found was written in Spanish._

_Was it Azula? No…no, it couldn't be here, she hates my guts, she only spoke to me that one time because Kratos put us together. I'm sure if there was any other way, she would've just written it on my wall on Facebook…even though she never added me as a friend…_

_Kratos? Nah, he'd just grab my head and beat me up before telling me what he wants…_

_Mentok? It could be Mentok…_

"_No, I didn't write the note. You don't know? I know, but I'm not telling!"_

_Get out of my head…_

_I looked at Kratos' computer as he was on it, and I saw some…pictures of Azula and Kratos that were…shall we say…promiscuous…ON THE SOS BRIGADE WEBSITE!_

"_Kratos, what are you doing!" I yelled._

"_Shut up," growled Kratos._

"_No, you can't release those photos on the internet, it's degrading!" I argued._

"_If I wanted someone to nag at me, I wouldn't have killed my wife!" growled Kratos._

_After explaining copyright rules, school rules, and Ja Rule, Kratos decided to agree to having the pornographic photos of Azula and Kratos…poor girl…_

_Well, I was about to delete them…but hey, why not keep the goddamn photos! In a special file that I can view anytime for my leisure._

_Awesome._

_Kratos got up from his chair and said, "Fuck you all, I'm going to go have sex with Sailor Moon."_

_Well…at least he's honest…_

* * *

><p><em>After Kratos left, everything was quiet…as quiet as it gets around here. Dalek Yuki was reading the Tropic of Cancer…that hussy…<em>

_Mentok opened the door and quickly said, "Hey, just tellin' ya, I'm gonna go see my lawyer to see if I can get out of this fanfic! Oh and Squidward, don't worry, everything will be fine, see ya!"_

_Well, didn't care what that was about…Mentok is a royal-_

"_Don't start."_

_GET OUT OF MY HEAD! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! AAAAGH!_

* * *

><p><em>After staying for a while of sitting on my ass, I decided to go to Room 9 and 3 ¼ and see who was the one who asked to see me. I hope it isn't Spongebob, who may or may not be a demon from the pits of Hell.<em>

_As I opened the door, I saw…absolutely no one inside…_

_What is this, a joke? Is Spongebob in the closet, giggling to himself?_

"…_teehee…Squidward's a jerk…"_

_Who said that?_

_I wandered around the classroom, seeing if anything is out of the ordinary, and to find out who the hell contacted me!_

_Why is this happening to me? What did Kratos choose me for? Did he choose me to be the last one alive when he kills everyone in the freakin' universe? Am I going to be his Bride of War?_

_Suddenly, as I was contemplating this whole conundrum of stupidity to the most extreme levels, I felt something on my shoulder…a wet, slimy thing._

_Then I felt it on my head, I touched it to see a saliva that looked all too similar. I fearfully looked up to see Ryoko the scary Xenomorph psycho looking at me from the ceiling, letting out a terrifying scream._

_I jumped out of the way yelling in fear as she jumped down the ceiling, creating a series of cracks on the porcelain floor._

"_What are you, crazy!" I yelled, "You could have killed me!"All she did to reply was hiss loudly at me, her sharp-edged tail pointing at me and her drool falling on the ground._

"_Um, Ryoko?" I let out._

_She then screamed as she ripped off her uniform…nothing is going to happen sexually, unfortunately, but I can guess that this is…battle mode…_

"_Ryoko, is this a joke, even if that tail is fake, it isn't funny!" I told in fear._

_She then started to slowly creep towards me, throwing desks out of the way, just to get to me, little old me, crapping my pants uncontrollably._

"_Ryoko, please stop it!" I pleaded then screamed into the air and jumped at me, with her secondary mouth extended out. I quickly jumped out of the way, making my way to the door._

_When I opened it, I saw Patrick out in the hall…Patrick Star or Evil Xenomorph Ryoko?_

_I closed the door, choosing to try and hold this off a little bit more. I screamed as I attempted to run to the windows as Ryoko jumped at me. Suddenly, the windows disappeared, along with the door…like I was still contemplating __that__ option…_

_With nothing to do, I decided to throw a chair at the killer alien, only for a force field to deflect it. How did a Xenomorph get technology? I mean, I don't think they even have space ships!_

_Suddenly, the class was turned into that Hyrule arena from Super Smash Brothers. Why is this happening! If anyone knows what is going on, get the hell over here and explain it to me!_

"_You're gonna die, motherfucker! AHAHAHAHAAAA!" laughed the slug, who was sitting on a rock._

_Damn author insert…_

* * *

><p><em>I attempted to run only to be frozen in place, that is cheating! How dare that stupid alien cheat when other players are involved! Killing me is one thing, but this is…just trolling!<em>

_Ryoko crept up closer at me with her tail moving towards me so closely…is it wrong that I am attracted to the fact that Ryoko is not wearing any clothes?_

_Suddenly, I heard a loud voice from out of nowhere, who sounded so familiar and also made me want to crap myself…_

"_CAPTAIN CAVEMAAAaaaAAAAAAAN!" screeched Dalek Yuki as she crashed through the castle and ran over Ryoko as she flew at her._

_Wow, alien cat-fight…strangely erotic for a creepy black alien with insectoid and reptilian features and a evil trashcan with lasers._

_Suddenly, Ryoko ran past her and ran at me, with her tail ready to impale me. How can this be, if anyone does the impaling, it's Kratos!_

_Dalek Yuki then flew in front of me, taking the blow for me…how…heart-warming…_

"_YOU ARE FLAWED, SUB-CREATURE!" screeched Dalek Yuki, "YOU ARE A STUPID BEAST, A RAVING ANIMAL! YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO LIIIIVE! AND WITH THAT, I MUST CONCLUDE YOUR EXISTANCE!"_

_Ryoko the screamed at Yuki with saliva and hate everywhere, if she had eyes, they'd be glaring._

"_NO, YOUR MOTHER!" screeched Dalek Yuki, "AND YOUR WORST SINS IS THIIIIIS! YOU HAVE HACKED REALITY, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEEEEANS!"_

_Ryoko then cocked her head in confusion, we all then looked behind her and saw an old man with a large head, pointing at Ryoko._

"_HAAAAAX!"_

_Suddenly, Ryoko exploded into a green mess, with the man disappearing in a beam of light._

_Suddenly, everything was back to normal, except Dalek Yuki was bleeding pretty badly, and by badly, I mean she was gushing blood like a broken fire hydrant._

"_Um, are you okay?" I asked in worry._

"_YOUR CONCERN IS NOT NEEDED! I JUST NEED TO PUT A BAND-AID ON IT!" screeched Dalek Yuki._

"…_If you say so," I replied, "But I have a question, why was Ryoko trying to kill me?""SHE'S A FUCKING XENOMORPH, YOU STUPID CUNT!" screeched Dalek Yuki._

"…_Harsh…" I sighed in hurt._

* * *

><p><em>Everything seemed to be normal in the next day, except for the fact that Ryoko is now gone.<em>

_Apparently, info via my teacher, it was said that Ryoko was addicted to meth and after attempting to stab her mother for money for the meth, she was sent to a rehab clinic in Canada…who knew…_

"_Meth is a hell of a drug," growled Kratos._

"_No, it's cocaine," I corrected._

"_Don't correct me, Cephalopod," growled Kratos. Nice to see Kratos' cheery attitude again, it really is, I'd rather talk to Kratos than a crazy Xenomorph like Ryoko __any day__._

_But the fact that Ryoko is gone isn't the thing that is puzzling me, today, I got another note in my locker…if this turns out to reveal Spongebob to be a Predator, then I'm out of this fanfic!_

_It told me to go to the SOS Brigade room after school…well, at least Dalek Yuki will be there to protect me…or zap me…either way, she'll be there…_

* * *

><p><em>After school, I went home and took a nice break, playing my clarinet…that is what I would like to say, but I am forced to just…go to the SOS Brigade room, like I am being paid to do, sadly.<em>

_When I opened the door, in it was…VOLDEMORT!_

_No, not really._

"_Who are you?" I interrogated._

"_I'm Peewee Herman! HA! HA! HA! HA!"_

_Yep, it was Peewee Herman...right what it says on the tin..._

"_Why are you in the SOS Brigade room?" I asked suspiciously._

"_Well, I…" explained Peewee Herman._

"_Scratch that, I saw the anime before going in this fanfic, why aren't you a future version of Azula?" I interrogated._

"_I am the descendant of Azula, after Kratos destroys the world, thereby creating the Avatar World, and then destroying it again, creating __my__ timeline, and after various Klingon attacks and the fall of the Burning Legion. I was sent back to make sure that happens, but in order to do that is an explanation that I too complicated because of techno babble and stuff."_

"_How do I know you are Azula's descendant?" I asked._

"_You don't believe me?" asked Peewee, "Well, me and Azula both have a birthmark on our left butt cheek in the shape of Whistler's mother, wanna see?"_

"_No," I replied frankly._

"_Okay!" laughed Peewee, who dropped his trousers and showed me the goddamn birthmark._

"_GAH!" I let out…super size me…_

"_See the birthmark?" asked Peewee obnoxiously._

"_Yes, yes I see it, pull up your damn trousers!" I yelled._

"_Okay!" laughed Peewee as he pulled up his pants and laughed his trademark laugh._

"_So, why are you here again, sorry I interrupted you," I apologized in a half-assed meaning._

"_Weeell, Squidward," explained Peewee, again this could not be Azula's descendant, he called me Squidward, "I need you to remember the story of Snow White."_

"_I don't like necrophilia," I argued._

"_NOOOO!" groaned Peewee, "Not that, remember the other stuff!"_

"…_I hate midgets," I argued."AAAAAGH!" yelled Peewee._

"_Fine, fine, I'll remember the damn story!" I groaned, "Just please leave me alone!"_

"_Fire ball," Peewee simply said as he pointed his finger at me, shooting a fireball from his fingertips and causing me to burst into flames._

_As I screamed, flailing on the floor, Peewee laughed and skipped over me, but then saying, "Don't get to attached, Squidward! HA! HA!"_

* * *

><p><em>Thankfully, Dalek Yuki came in two hours later and extinguished me. I got up, my exposed muscles feeling pain from the breeze, and sat at my desk.<em>

"_Thanks," I…thanked._

"_DO NOT THANK ME! THANK KRATOOOS! HE TOLD ME TO EXTINGUISH THE FIRST PERSON I SEE THIS WHOLE DAY!"_

"_Ummm, again…thanks."_

"_YOU DO NOT LISTEN, SUB-CREATURE" she screeched, she then zapped me, causing me more pain._

_Who should I blame for this, Kratos? Haruhi Suzumiya? Or more likely, the author._

* * *

><p><em>At the next day, when I went to the bathroom, taking a number two after a quick number three.<em>

_After cleaning up, I opened the door to see Kratos standing in front of it, scaring the living shit out of me._

"_AAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAHAAAAAAH! AH! AH! AH! Huuh, huuh, huuh…AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"_

"…_What the fuck, Squidward?" growled Kratos._

"_What are you doing here?" I argued._

"_We are going alien hunting," growled Kratos._

"_Alien hunting?" I asked, "What are you talking about?"_

"_Why would they send Ryoko to a rehab facility in Canada?" interrogated Kratos, "They don't even have rehabs in Canada, the only rehab facilities are in Zimbabwe!"_

_I think his information's a little screwy…_

"_Lemme guess, you want me to help you find the truth?" I asked, flinching._

"_No, I want you to help me find the truth," replied Kratos._

_I paused, staring lethargically at him, I sighed and said, "Alright, let's do this…"_

* * *

><p><em><strong>The Banana Slug: Well, this is my least popular fanfic apparently, I think it's because it is in the X-Over section…which would make sense…since my most popular fanfic is a lemon one-shot with Rukia and Ichigo…<strong>_

…_**Squidward's a jerk…**_


	5. The Melancholy of Kratos Pt 555 7734

**The Banana Slug: STOP FLAMN ME, U PREPS! Hahaha, that was a joke! Boy, I don't think I will ****ever**** be **_**that**_** famous!**

**Heh, like anyone is flaming me, I only got two reviews from one guy, who is awesome, and both are good…note that I only had 16 people in total see my fanfic…**

…**I suck…**

**P.S. Would have sent chapter earlier, but **_**someone**_** (who shall remain nameless) did **_**something**_** that caused the site to have troubles, meaning I had to wait as these **_**someones**_** had to fix **_**somebody's something**_**…Hard to understand, right?**

* * *

><p><strong>THE MELANCHOLY OF KRATOS<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

CHAPTER 5: The Melancholy of Kratos Pt. 555-7734

Deliver Us From Mentok, the Mind-Taker!

OOOEEEEOOOUUUEEEOOO!

…OOOOEH…OOEEUUU!

* * *

><p>I don't want to be here, walking with a crazy white-man wearing a girl's uniform because of a troll of a god. I'd rather be in the Victorian Era, as a young butler who falls in love with a countess, even though their love is forbidden…<p>

"That is so gay."

I told you to stay out of my head!

"No, Squidward, that was me, Kratos."

Huh? I didn't know you could read minds.

"I don't, you are saying this out loud."

Oh…

"So, what are we doing again?" I asked, "I kinda forgot in the last chapter…"

"We are going to investigate Ryoko's disappearance," explained Kratos, "It's all kind of suspicious, if she really was a meth-addict, why didn't I see her at my "ass-to-ass" parties? It doesn't make sense, I think she was taken by a great enemy of humanity…"

"Reptilians?" I asked.

"Worse…Bizarro versions of ourselves," revealed Kratos cryptically.

"Oh," I replied…not as dangerous as Reptilians though…

"It's the only explanation that seems crazy enough for the author of this try," replied Kratos.

"Aren't we the Bizarro version of Haruhi Suzumiya and her SOS Brigade?" I joked.

Kratos just glared at me and barked, "Shut up!"

Well, should have expected that, but what really worries me is the fact that we will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever…ever find the evil Xenomorph. She was splattered in an acidic green bloody mess all over the Hyrule stage of SSB by the all-powerful God of Vengeance Doctor Hax.

"So, where does she live?" I asked, "Or, used to live?"

"There," Kratos said bluntly, pointing at an apartment building, with Dalek Yuki's ship on the top of it.

Should have known…

* * *

><p>We then walked to the door of the apartment building, with both of us facing it casually.<p>

"It's a door," growled Kratos.

"I see," I replied.

"See what?" growled Kratos.

"A door," I replied.

"What door?" asked Kratos angrily. Is he serious?

"The door we are in front of," I replied.

"Oh…that door," grumbled Kratos.

"So, do you know how we get in?" I asked.

"We hold the tenant's daughter hostage, then we…"

Suddenly, the door opened, revealing the banana slug that keeps on following me creep past, not saying a word, we waited for five minutes to get out of the door.

When the door was about to close, Kratos grabbed me and put my head in front of the door.

"AGH!" I yelped as the door slammed hard on my forehead, "We could have gone as the slug was moving out!"

"Yeah, but that wouldn't be any fun," growled Kratos.

As we walked into the apartment building, I glanced at him and said, "I go to therapy because of you and the others."

* * *

><p>When we got to Ryoko's apartment door, Kratos started to yank at the handle, trying to get it open.<p>

"I think we need a key," I advised.

Kratos then started to bash the door with his foot, shocking me. "OPEN!" he shouted.

"What are you doing!" I yelled out.

"OPEN!" roared Kratos, bashing at the door, "WHY WON'T IT OPEN!"

"Let's just talk to the guy who owns the place!" I pleaded.

"Fine!" growled Kratos, "Let's do the things that you want to do!"

We then went downstairs and visited the tenant's office. Kratos walked to him and asked, "Hello, do you know a Xenomorph named Ryoko? Well, if you do, which of course you do, we need to know anything you know about her, like where is she know, where she went to, who her parents are, and anything else that could help us."

Hm, pretty straight forward.

"Hello, sir?" I asked.

* * *

><p>...<p>

"Rorschach's Journal…October 12...1985...after finding out the tenant of this building is a sexual deviant, known for preying on defenseless teenage girls, I quickly took care of him. I put him the meat grinder, he seemed to be low of hearing. And now, a man in a girl's uniform and a talking cephalopod is asking me about a missing girl. This girl is not ordinary, though, for she was a being from the stars…but that is not what concerns me, what concerns me is the fact that I am here, it seems all these being are from different worlds, pulled here by some omnipotent force. Is it Manhattan, after all these years, he decides to show his face around here again…no, it is something worse…much worse…"

* * *

><p>"Hello?" I asked the masked and silent man, "Helloooo?"<p>

"Screw this, this man is crazy!" yelled Kratos, he then stomped out of the building.

"Wait, aren't we…" I let out.

"Case closed, she's a meth-head!" interrupted Kratos in fury.

"Okay, well, we'll be on our way now," I told the man.

"Somebody knows…" hissed the man.

"Um, okay…bye…" I then quietly and without drawing attention, left the building.

"…Somebody…"

* * *

><p>When we walked out of the apartment building, we saw Dalek Yuki zoom towards us.<p>

"Hello, Yuki, how are you?" asked Kratos.

"CANNOT SPEAK! ATE BIG MEGA BURRITO! MUST EX-CRE-MATE! MUST EX-CRE-MATE!"

As we were walking, Kratos stopped after we passed the train tracks, I then asked, "Kratos, is something the matter?"

"Squidward, do you know how boring it is around here?"

I raised my eyebrow, and was ready to listen to what Kratos wishes to say. "What do you mean, Kratos?"

"I used to not always be a great warrior in drag, but a Spartan, but now, I am stuck in this craphole universe. And it made me think, maybe we don't really exist, maybe nothing matters, maybe it doesn't matter what people say is wrong, what matters is only one thing…Frankenstein…he is all that matters in the world, no matter what anyone says…"

That was…pointless, it sounded good so far…then he started to talk about Frankenstein, which was completely random and haphazard…

"I'm going home, don't follow me," growled Kratos. Something in my gut told me, probably the way he walked with his back turned to me, that I probably shouldn't follow him.

I sighed and decided to walk the long way home, where I suddenly heard a voice shout, "BLUE FALCON!" and I was run over by a blue car, sending me into the air screaming.

* * *

><p>After I got home, limping painfully for two hours, I saw Mentok with his back on a taxi.<p>

"Crap, what happened to you?" sneered Mentok.

"I was…"

"I know."

"Then why ask?"

"So, I could do that thing I did, that thing, which I interrupted you, which proved my superior brain in front of you, which made me feel happy, and you frustrated, understand?"

I glared at him and wanted to give him the finger, but I had no finger's, just tentacles. Suddenly, the door to the taxi opened up, with Mentok holding out his hand.

"You know what, no, I'm not doing this anymore, I'm just going into my house, and never leaving my bed."

"ZOMBIE GUARDS, SEIZE HIM!"

Suddenly, I was grabbed by Spongebob and Patrick, appearing out of nowhere and shoved into the car.

"Still, after all these years," Mentok snickered to himself as he entered the car.

* * *

><p>"Okay, why did you kidnap me?" I interrogated as the taxi was driving through the city.<p>

"Well, I am taking you to a place, where no one will know where you are," explained Mentok.

"You're not going to rape me, are you?" I asked with hesitance.

"No," replied Mentok frankly, "It is just to show you the full extant of my powers, micro-brain."

"Alright, but I am still going to give up," I reminded.

"Do you believe that if you imagine it, it becomes real?" asked Mentok.

"No," I groaned.

"Well, it is said that every imaginated thing becomes real in a different world, a different reality, which means that if someone imagines something, let's say, a diety, it could do something that fucks up with everything. Let's say something screws up something so much that…HEY! Aren't you listening?"

"No," I replied frankly.

"Douche," grumbled Mentok.

"So, why are you following Kratos instead of Haruhi, like you said?" I interrogated.

"Oh, a good question!" shouted Mentok, "Finally, you ask me a question I am interested in!"

The cab driver then turned around and laughed, "HA HAAAA! Shouting." The cab driver then returned driving.

"You see, the Haruhi actually has powers of reality bending, creating other worlds, while Kratos has the ability to destroy those worlds. The Organization that I am with decided not to follow Kratos, as he was deemed too dangerous. I knew that they didn't knew shit, because I am the only one with actual powers! What, they can only activate them when in a _closed space_ or whatever, and they don't even have _telepathy_ or _clairvoyance_! What kind of fucking psychics are they! I'll tell you what kind of psychics they are! PSYSHITS, THAT'S WHAT!"

The cab was silent after that, with me staring at him blankly, Mentok with a sour face looking straightforward into nothing, and the cab driver silent and not paying attention.

"So, uh, how far is the place again?" I asked hesitantly.

"Fuck off," He replied quickly.

* * *

><p>The cab stopped at a crosswalk, with Mentok and I getting out, walking on the crosswalk. "You know, micro-brain, you can leave if you want to."<p>

"Well, I…"

"TOO LATE!" He then grabbed my hand and I was transported into a destroyed and bloody version of the city.

"Oh my dog, what the barnacle is this place?" I stammered.

"This is Kratos' closed space, so said the _psyshits_, you see, the other and Kratos both have this place they create when they are bored or excited, I don't know, I fell asleep at the meeting."

I followed him up a building, the world as I knew it looked like it was raped by Galactus and stabbed in the throat by Odin, who proceeded to eat it's face.

We finally got to the top of the building, where I saw more of the desolate world, where it stretched for miles, the seas black with oil, and the sky red as blood…what is this, Wizards of Waverly Place?

"So, Kratos created this place?" I asked.

"Yeah, subconsciously, I think this is the world he secretly wants that is completely obvious, and he unknowingly created it, and it is up to me and the others to destroy them before they make this world a reality on our reality."

"How?" I asked.

"Turn around and I'll show you," he replied, pointing behind me, where I saw it…that terrible thing, that terribly terrible thing, that thing that is terrible to the most terrible degree.

Then, I heard it roar, that roar that sounds nothing like anything on Earth, from that evil behemoth of a reptilian…

Godzilla…it is Godzilla…here, in Japan…but why?

Suddenly, I saw a bunch of glowing balls come at Godzilla…oh that sounded so wrong…and they were attempting to defeat Godzilla, only to swat at them and firin' his lazer at them.

"Stand back, there's a hurricane a'blowin'!"

I looked to see Mentok create a glowing energy shield around him, he then yelled into the air, me being pushed back by the energy.

I looked to see that his hair was golden, spiky, and straight-up, with a golden aura around him.

"SUPER MENTOK!" He then flew up in the air and a blue energy started to form in his hands.

"KAMEHAMEHAAA!" A blue energy beam shot out of his hand, going straight through the terrible Godzilla, it roared again, but the lazer came out of it's stomach, then, the terribly terrible Godzilla the terrifying died, exploding into a million little pieces.

Mentok then descended down, turning back to normal. "I…I didn't know you could do that," I replied in a stutter.

"Yeah, it's only when I am in a Closed Space, other times, I'm still the grrrrreat Mentok! The Mind-Taker! !"

"Okay," I am getting tired with the sound effects…

"I HEARD THAT!" snapped Mentok, who proceeded to pull my bottom lip past my head.

"MMMFFMFFMMMMM!" I let out.

"Congrats, you gave birth…EEEOOOOUUU!"

Suddenly, the sky started to crack, raining gushes of blood at the same time. "What the Jesus Christ Lizard is going on!"

"Oh, yeah, every time we kill the monster, the sky dies," replied Mentok.

"The…sky dies?" I asked, confused by his childish reply.

"Well, that's the scientific term for it…"

The sky then exploded, with a bright red flash on all reality, and everything back to normal.

Just. Like. That.

"..Take me home, never speak to me again."

Mentok gave me a frustrated look and said, "You are boring."

* * *

><p>"So, why is this all happening?" I asked as we sat in the taxi.<p>

"Well, it's all your fault, actually," replied Mentok harshly.

"How is it my fault!" I argued.

"You caused Kratos to make the Brigade, getting him excited, and that is not all, you also caused the Cold War, the assassination of JFK, RFK, and KFC, made the reason why Digimon sucked after Digimon Adventure 02, caused Sealab 2021 to get canceled, and you are also the reason that Disney Channel keeps on making fucking tween sitcoms over and over and over AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!"

"Really?" I let out.

"Nah, I'm just messin' with ya, Squidward," laughed Mentok.

"Okay…" Boy, Squidward, was that weird or what?

"Really weird," blurted Mentok. My reply was a simple glare.

The taxi then stopped in front of my house, got out, faced Mentok, and bluntly said, "I am not going to school tomorrow, I am staying in bed, and not dealing with this anymore."

"Oh, you say that now, but wait till tomorrow, I know what is going to happen, I'll never ever tell! HAAAAA HAHA!"

"Is that all?" I asked in melancholy.

"Oh, yeah, keep an eye on Kratos," cryptically revealed Mentok, he then sported a smile and waved as he shouted, "Cheers!"

The taxi then drove away, running over a lamp post. Well, whatever it is going to be, I am not going to school tomorrow, I am staying in bed…no matter what my…sister…says…

…My…sister…

…Kratos help me…

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Well, I have to apologize to my nearly non-existent audience for a comment Kratos said, I believed it went under the lines like…<strong>

"**If I wanted someone to nag me, I wouldn't have killed my wife."**

**It kinda bugged me personally, I am thinking of changing it, but I don't have anything in mind…**

**So, I will live in my shame with pride, and write part 666! MUAHAHAHAHAHAA!**


	6. The Melancholy of Kratos Pt 666

**The Banana Slug: Well, this is it. Sorry, I had some computee troubles, so I had to stay off of it for a while. Now, I can conclude the saga of Kratos, with this part right here, part 6...**

…**or…**

* * *

><p><strong>THE MELANCHOLY OF KRATOS<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

CHAPTER 6: The Melancholy of Kratos Pt. 666

AKAITZ DAH FINAL COUNTDOWN! DOODLEEDOOT! DOODELEDEDOOT!

* * *

><p>Self Proclaimed: Evil Alien Cyborg who hates all life except her own who was once a member of the Cult of Skaro.<p>

Self Proclaimed: Princess of a nation of fire-magicians from the far future.

Self Proclaimed: Green mind-taking psychic with Parkinson's.

…

Yeah, until a week ago, I would tell them they were talking shit and call the loony bin, saying they missed some people from their head count.

It doesn't matter, because I have decided to lay in bed today, as if I remember right, Mentok said something about tomorrow…so, that means I am staying in bed and…

"NO!"

I was suddenly grabbed by my neck and thrown at the wall, by who else, my sister…

My sister…Heavy…

Looking at her, or him, I saw a large bald Russian Man laughing as he, she, wore a little girl's outfit.

"GET UP, STUPID!" yelled Heavy.

"I'm already up!" I yelled.

Heavy then stomped on my head, laughing like a madman, the yelling into the air, "CRY SOME MOAAR!"

…Maybe I shouldn't have told her, him, that he, she, could be my alarm clock…

* * *

><p>As we both brushed our teeth, I was thinking of the horrible things that has yet to come, making me wish that what will come will not happen…<p>

I just hope no one makes slash fanfic of me, Squidward Tentacles, and him, Heavy…Scout, where are you?

"BROTHER!" roared Heavy, "YOU ARE GOING TO BE LATE, BRRUSH FASTER!"

Knowing well of the source material Heavy comes from, I brushed so fast and hard, I could taste blood from my gums.

"HAHAHAHA, YOU ARE CRREDIT TO TEAM!" roared Heavy happily, he then slapped my back in laughter, sending the toothbrush into my esophagus, choking the hell out of me!

As I laid on the ground, half-conscious, I looked to see Heavy, quietly laughing at a fly buzzing around, just like a kid from Osakaaaah…

* * *

><p>After me and Heavy went to our respective schools, mine the West High School, and Heavy's school, Team Fortress Academy.<p>

As I walked to my school, with a lot of schoolgirls walking around as well, knowing what fate will happen to them, like everyday…damn tentacle beasts ruining our…wait a minute…

Anyway, I was wondering what will happen to me today, does it turn out that this is actually some stupid misunderstanding and I am actually the deity, not Kratos?

…No…that would be like if Luke Skywalker was the chosen one instead of Anakin…then again, he _was_ the one who killed Emperor Palpatine, so does that mean Anakin Skywalker _is_ the chosen one and Luke _was_ just some farm boy that got lucky? But he _was_ the one who…

"You're rambling again, Squidward," revealed Patrick as he appeared behind me from nowhere.

"Oh, am I?" I asked in lethargy. I have to stop doing that…

As we walked into the school, Patrick was smiling like Patrick Star at me, which was starting to annoy me greatly, before I just had to speak out as we were at our lockers.

"Okay, what's with the face, I told you no more," I reiterated.

"But this is how I always look," replied Patrick.

"What is in your mind, Patrick!" I yelled out in the lowest frequency of yelling.

If I didn't know any better, it was nothing but chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, From Dusk Till Dawn, chocolate, chocolate, school-girl's panties, chocolate, chocolate, and chocolate…oh, and _Tonari no Taro-kun_.

…You're all going to check what _Tonari no Taro-kun_, aren't you?

Don't worry, we'll wait…

…

Hard to believe, hm? Wow, Hillary actually factually looked hot in that…which to me seems hardly possible…

"I forgot to walk in on you and Dalek Yuki on the ground together," reminded Patrick.

"Oh yeah, that never happened in the first place," I reminded.

"What!" yelled Patrick, "What else did we skip that was soooo important! We have so much random stuff in this fanfic that the author doesn't seem to care about the original story! What else will we skip just to conserve page length! What else! WHAT ELSE!"

I just stared at him for a long while as his arms were in the air, standing like a statue. "Patrick, take the night off."Patrick replied with a short & dumb, "…'kay…"

* * *

><p>I walked into the classroom, seeing Kratos in his female gym clothes…that is just wrong to behold in so may levels.<p>

"Why aren't you in your uniform?" I asked as I sat behind, I mean, in front of him.

"It's hot," growled Kratos, glaring at me, "And they didn't send my male gym clothes as well."

"Why not?" I asked curiously.

"I know why, but it's only a matter of fucking time till I get back home," growled Kratos, glaring at the city.

"Who?" I asked.

"…I will find you, Steve, you and your little dog too," growled Kratos.

Okay, he seems really confused, Steve wouldn't do that…he's too cool for that…what? Am I gonna have to be the only one to think so? Blue's Clues was awesome when I was a kid, and Steve was pretty awesome! Sorry, author is speaking from me, and I am a stupid gay cock-sucker…damn author black-over…I mean take-over…

* * *

><p>After school, I was at the computer, and I was curious of what Peewee Herman said to me, so I decided to open the files with Azula and Kratos' porno pics…my god, that is so OOC…are we really caring at this point?<p>

I looked at one, and I saw it, I saw the birthmark on her left butt cheek, the mark of Whistler's Mother. My god, I cannot believe that _that_ troglodyte is actually descended from a hot chick like Azula…who did she sleep with to create that thing?

…Oh god yes…

"What are you looking at?"

I jumped to see Azula looking at me, I quickly closed out of that file and smiled bashfully at her.

"Hm, a file just about me?" wondered Azula out loud, "What's in it?"

"N-nothing!" I stammered.

"Is it naughty pictures of me?" asked Azula, getting real close to my personal space, her face and inch from mine.

"Ah-ah-ah-ah-of course not!" I stammered, "Don't be ridiculous!"

"You know, Squidward," she said seductively, wait, she called me Squidward! "I always liked tentacles…"

And now she's rubbing what is essentially my arm, this is so OOC it's not even funny anymore. She then kissed my long and big nose, oh please stop doing that, before I ask you to continue!

She stopped as we both noticed Kratos was watching us, glaring at us in his uniform, he then walked to the chair. The room was silent, no one said a word, not even Dalek Yuki, who was known to scream her opinions like a chimpanzee with a unicycle.

"So, uh, you want me to leave?" I asked nervously.

"SHUT UP!" roared Kratos, he then grabbed me by the head and threw me out of the window, with me on the ground, bloodied and impaled by shards of glass. Why does the movie industry lie to me so much!

* * *

><p>When I got back, I saw Kratos in his pimp-outfit and Azula in her maid outfit, with Yuki colored as a traffic cone…for some reason…<p>

Kratos was sitting at the computer, in pure anger and hatred. "I'm still hot, I can't feel any chill at all!"

"Maybe it's because you are wearing a coat and…" I explained.

"WHY IS IT SO HOT IN HERE!" roared Kratos.

We all started to calm down when Mentok entered the room in a pimp outfit as well. "Um, is this the Headbanger's Ball?"

"Shut up, Mentok, give me a soda!" ordered Kratos angrily.

"Booweeeeeoooooooop!" released Mentok as he used his mind to bring a six-pack of the Dew.

"I'm bored, nothing is happening today…" growled Kratos. I looked out the window to see Robot Nazis marching into the school grounds, to be confronted by Wasp-People Centurions, led by Alucard…he must have rescued them from Hades.

Oh my god, they are fighting a battle that has not been seen since the beginning of time! Alucard just took out a whole wave of Robo-Nazis!

"Absolutely nothing…" growled Kratos.

What the…is that…a dragon made of pure MERCURY! It's releasing pure white fire at the Wasp Centurions! It's the most awesome thing I have ever seen, you should really be here, I can't even describe it!

"Boring, boring, goring, boring…" grumbled Kratos.

Damn, that Mercury Dragon is winning…wait, is that…a Steam-Powered Queen Victoria Automaton, it can fire infrared laser beams! It completely destroyed the Mercury Dragon and all of the Robo-Nazis! Alucard and the Wasp-Centurions win!

What! The schoolgirls are giving themselves to Alucard and his Wasp-Centurions? And it's turning into a massive orgy! How could this get better! OH MY GOD! The Automaton Queen Victoria is doing the Thriller Dance! THAT IS AMAZING!

"That is it, I am going home, you can all burn and die!" growled Kratos.

…What's his problem?

* * *

><p>Later at home, exactly nine-o'-clock, laying on my bed, remembering the kickass battle I just saw…I wish you were there, I couldn't even describe it!<p>

Heavy rushed in and opened my desk drawer, searching for something, going "YA DADADADADADADADADAH! KABOOM! KABOOM!"

Damn nursery rhymes.

"Hey, what are you doing?" I asked.

He then pulled out scissors and showed them to me. "SCISSORS! NEED THEM FOR CRRRAFTS!

"Next time, will you just ask for the scissors next time?" I asked hesitantly.

"NO!" roared Heavy, he then laughed as he skipped out of my room.

"Heavy don't run with scissors or you'll…"

I heard a loud bump, silence, then, "…WAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAH!"

Damn, this would be so much better with sound clips…

"I'll call the hospital…"

* * *

><p>After going through the hospital paperwork and all that jibber-jabber, we got Heavy home, got him a new esophagus, and we went to bed.<p>

I started to doze off, swearing I saw that slug crawling on the ceiling, until he was just above my head, were his eyes turned backwards slowly and looked at me eerily.

Before I could even care, I fell asleep…

Have you ever had wet dreams? They are also called "nocturnal emissions", most people think they are caused by succubi temptresses sent by the demoness Lilith. But it is actually just the body being so incredibly sexually repressed that it is just going to orgasm whether you like it or not.

And it is not just boys who have it, girls have nocturnal emissions as well. So, you know what that means, right?

That means you should stop the purity crap and just go have fun, do heavy petting, have a circle jerk, or have sex. Just whatever, enough is enough! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

* * *

><p>"Squidward, wake up!"<p>

"Neeeeeeeeehhhh!"

"Squidward!"

"!"

"Squidward!"

"Go away, Heavy, leave me alone!"

"WAKE UP!"

I woke up, inadvertently muttering out, "Mr. Krab's, don't get the stick again, I'm up…"

I looked around to see Kratos and the school…all bloody and wrecked…oh shit…we are in Kratos' closed space, aren't we?

"Squidward, wake up!" ordered Kratos, I guess noticing I am awake is delayed for him…

"Um, where are we?" I asked nervously.

"The school, dummy!" growled Kratos.

"Did WWIII happen?" I let out, "Or was there an Angel attack?"

"No, I think we were captured by Steve," replied Kratos. My god, leave Steve alone!

"So, what should we do?" I asked.

"Find someone still alive, dummy!" growled Kratos, "And if it's a chick, we repopulate the Earth!"

"Gotcha," I replied lethargically.

We both walked around, I noticed Kratos was in his loincloth and I was in my brown shirt. We wandered around until we got to the exit of the school grounds, but when we tried to get out, we saw a red force field block our path. It felt like a brick wall, and hurt my skull-less head very much.

"It's a force field, made out of chaotic energy," explained Kratos.

"It seems to run through the school," I guessed.

"No shit," growled Kratos. Gee, that wasn't harsh at all!

"So, what do we do?" I asked half-assfully.

"…We see if we can phone home," replied Kratos, in pure dead seriousness, "Let's go inside and look in the main office."

* * *

><p>I bashed a window open with a chair, something I always wanted to do, that just makes you feel ten-feet tall, man!<p>

Kratos grabbed the phone, where he kept on shouting, "Hello? Hello!"

The phone was silent, until he heard a reply.

"Excuse me, good sir! Do you have Prince Albert in a can? You do! Well, you better let the poor guy out! WAHA WAHA WAHA WAHA WAHA!"

Kratos then smashed the phone, prompting me to ask what is it, where he replied, "Just Pennywise trying to sell me some more shave cream."

"Okay…" I let out, backing away more slowly.

We both then entered what remains of the SOS Brigade room, were I sat down and looked at the wall.

"You stay here, Squidward, I'm going to find out more about this cool place," replied Kratos, leaving me all alone in the creepy place you call "EVIL".

* * *

><p>After I took a number one on the wall after a quick number three, I looked out the window to see a little green ball. I opened the window as it materialized into a silhouette of Mentok the Mind-Taker.<p>

"No shit, Sherlock," he replied, with his snaky attitude.

"Mentok, what the World Wide Web is going on here!" I yelled out.

"Well, obviously Kratos got bored with the old world and now is recreating into this one, the one he always wanted. A gory place of carnage and destruction." explained Mentok, with his hands moving about again.

"So, what is going on over in the other world?"

"Oh, well, there's tornadoes, earthquakes, hurricanes, eruptions, blizzards, floods, diseases, famine, death, rape, murder…pretty much the end of the world."

"I wish I could see that," I replied in awe.

"Well, maybe you should have described the battle this afternoon, douche! Anyway, we might all disappear afterwards, and even with my great mind-taking powers, this is all I can see into the future…so…you are on your own kid…"

"Wait, how do I get everything back together? The way it's suppose to be?"

"I don't know, I can't see any further than now, it's scary as hell! I am even having a hard time getting into this form, the other Espers can't even get into here! It sucks, man, it seriously fucking sucks, man!"

"But why am I hear, why was I brought here!"

"I don't know, maybe he likes you…"

"What does that mean?"I suddenly saw his silhouette shrinking, he then looked around and sighed. "Well, it looks like I am starting to fade, I got a few messages for you, one from Azula, she said, 'She's sorry for your misery', hell, being the only living thing around Kratos is going to be hell for you, you betcha!"

He was only an orb now, nearly gone by this point. "Wait, anything else, I don't want to die!"

"Geez, can't you die with dignity? Anyway, Dalek Yuki says to 'Turn on the damn computer', peace out, bitches, I'm outtie!"

The orb disappeared, leaving me all alone…I'm actually scared, more than usual. I don't know what is going to happen, and I hate it…

I turned on the computer, seeing only a black screen, with white typing saying, "HWZ IT GOIN?"

Well, never expected Dalek Yuki to speak text. I typed, "Not much, just waiting for death."

"DNT WORY, EVRYTHN IZ GNA B ALRIT!"

"I can hardly understand you."

"GTFO!"

"Seriously."

"WELL, TIS MIT B R LAST TLK 2 EACH OTHER, SO LISTN WELL."

"Alright."

"U NEED 2 GET EVRYTHIN BAK 2 NORM, OR WE R ALL SCRWD!"

"How?"

"IDK."

"Well, isn't that swell."

Suddenly, the whole school shook, and it seemed the computer is starting to lose power.

"HOLY SH!T, WTF WUZAT!"

"IDK! WHAT DO I DO!"

"LOL U STUPID!"

"Asshole," I grumbled to myself.

Before the computer lost connection, Yuki typed in, "Sleeping Beauty."

* * *

><p>I suddenly saw something out in the school grounds, whatever it was, I didn't like it. I then heard Kratos smashing in.<p>

"Look, Squidward, it's a monster!"

I looked into the blue light, to see something so powerful, it would easily dwarf Kratos in power, that I can say.

Something more powerful than Mentok, more powerful than Kratos, and more powerful than Godzilla, it…was…

"COOKIEZ!"

The Cookie Monster, I kid you not, a 150-foot tall Cookie Monster, staring lifelessly at the area.

"We gotta get out of here!" I screamed.

"Maybe it isn't evil, maybe it doesn't want to hurt us," argued Kratos.

It looked into the windows and yelled at us, "MMMMM, LOOK AT DA LITTLE COOKIE PEOPLE! I'M GONNA EAT DA COOKIE PEOPLE!"

"Okay, we can run now," agreed Kratos.

We then ran across school, as the giant Cookie Monster started to smash the entire school, eating bits of it as if it were cookies.

The sound of "OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!" struck fear into my poor heart, pounding more harder than Kratos with his ladies!

"We should kill it!" roared Kratos as we ran out of the school. Cookie Monster roaring at us as we ran.

"Yeah, how are you going to kill the Cookie Monster, no one can kill it!" I argued.

"But it's actually happening, something cool, and awesome, a world I want!" roared Kratos, "For both of us!"

"I don't want this world!" I yelled.

"What the fuck, Squidward!" yelled Kratos.

"I miss everyone in the other world, I miss that pompous asshole Mentok, crazy-ass Dalek Yuki, scary yet sexy Azula, I miss Patrick, and Spongebob, and Lo Pan, and Heavy, I even miss that Xenomorph, Ryoko! Don't you!"

"Don't worry, I'm sure that they'll be here as well!"

"I'm not talking about seeing them here, I want to see them in the old world!"

Suddenly, Kratos stopped, I stopped to, looking at him, he was looking at the ground. "Why, why do you reject this reality!" he interrogated angrily.

""Wha!" I let out.

"This is a better world, a world better than the last, aren't you tired of it! This life is much better than that one! Something I can kill will come, that is all I am, a Juggernaut, bitch! Don't you understand, this was meant for me! I am a mass murderer! Not a school girl!"

I couldn't focus, the Cookie Monster and a lot of Cookie Monsterlings were moving towards me.

"You know, I used to hate that world, but not anymore," I replied, with water in my eyes, "But not until I met you, and the others in the SOS Brigade. I mean, sure, there was Spongebob and Patrick, but I kinda feel like you are my family, even though you throw stuff at me, hurt me, and even kill me! But hey, that's family right!"

Kratos looked at me in confusion. Why is this happening, is this the end. I suddenly remembered Peewee Herman, and about Snow White, along with Yuki telling me about Sleeping Beauty.

I then walked to Kratos, having to look up to see him face-to-face. I then said, with a smile and tears in my eyes, "You know, I think you'd look cool with a bandana on your head. That cliché was killer."

"What the fuck, Squidward!" let out Kratos.

I then, out of nowhere, gave him a bear hug, exclaiming as the Cookie Monsters came at us, "I love you, man…"

Suddenly, the whole world seemed to shatter, revealing a black void with millions of ghost-like specters surrounding us.

* * *

><p>Suddenly, I woke up in a torrent of sweat and something sticky in my sheets. I quickly got up and looked at the clock, it was exactly 5:30 AM.<p>

I sighed and cursed at myself for having a strange dream. I can't believe I did that, that was so…maybe it wasn't a dream…nah, nah, I would never say that to Kratos…you know…

I looked to my right and saw Heavy smiling at me, I screamed and leapt to my feet.

"AHAHAHA! DID BABY SOIL DAIPER! YOU ARE BABY!" taunted Heavy, who then laughed as he skipped out of my room, where I heard a loud thud, silence, and then, "WAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!"

"Great, another trip to the hospital!" I groaned.

* * *

><p>So, is this world a new world, created by Kratos? Maybe what I said got through to him, recreating this world as it should be…bringing order to chaos.<p>

I walked into the class room, seeing Kratos in his school uniform, looking grumpily bored, and a yellow bandana strapped around his head.

"So, how was last night?" I asked nicely.

"I had some stupid homo-erotic dream, I don't want to talk about it, I just want to kill Monkey D. Luffy again…"

I didn't want to say something when I sat in front of him, but I just had to, so I said to him in honor, "You know, you look like a badass with that bandana on your head."

Kratos said nothing, just looked out the window…just as it should be…

* * *

><p>"So, micro-brain? What did you do to make Kratos bring everything back to normal?" asked Mentok after school as we drank soda on the outside tables.<p>

"I just did a little diplomacy," I explained, "Bringing order to chaos."

"Yeah, yeah, I read your mind, what a puss-thing you did!" laughed Mentok.

"Yeah, laugh it up, green-man!" I groaned, "Just to tell you, I lied the whole thing!"

"Yeah, I believe you," replied Mentok, walking away, giving me a wink and drinking his soda as it flew in the air.

I didn't pay attention, and continued to drink my soda.

* * *

><p>"YOU AND KRATOS WERE GONE FOR THIRTY MINUTES! IN ONE MINUTE IT WAS HELL ON EARTH! AND THEN, EVERYTHING WENT BACK TO NORMAAAAAAL!"<p>

"So, are there other aliens like you?" I asked.

"YES! BUT DO NOT WORRY, I WILL PROTECT YOU!"

"Cephalopod?" let out a voice.

I looked to see Azula looking at me from the door with indifference. I smiled and rushed towards her, with my arms open wide.

"AZULA! I MISSED YOU!" I yelled out.

She then held out her palm, to which I quickly stopped. "I believe our interaction yesterday was the cause for Kratos' creation of the other world, we should keep interaction at a minimum next time."

"Well, alright, if you say so," I replied with sadness caused by repressed heterosexuality, "Oh, by the way, you have a birthmark on your left butt cheek of…""Whistler's Mother, I know," finished Azula quickly, "It's not like I'm too stupid to notice if I have a birthmark on me, you fool!"

I sighed and nodded, sitting at my desk as I took my job as being the butt monkey of the SOS Brigade again.

* * *

><p>Well, the SOS Brigade finally became a certified club, after going through a mountain of paper work, tests, and we had to kill Adolf Hitler's lost grandson.<p>

We also had a rule, where the last person late would get a penalty, and would have to pay for the whole thing.

Strangely, as I stood at the usual spot with my brown shirt, Mentok, Yuki, and Azula all had errands to run, Kratos the last one to show. He looked unhappy, maybe because everyone was gone, or he was the last one there.

Either way, he showed his unhappiness by beheading a passerby with his blades.

Anyway, I planned, as we walked to the café, I wanted to talk to him about killing people, causing destructions, what porn Azula should be in, the American's chances in the War with the Reptilians…

But first, I want to talk to him about something real important.

Like, does this chapter at all seems really fucking rushed or something? I don't know, is it me? It's probably just me, right? I don't know, it seems pretty rushed to me…

**The Banana Slug: Zip it, Squidward, or I'll cut ya!**

**Anyway, I decided to keep on making chapters, and I might even make adaptations of the chapters of the novels, even though I only watch the show, but I'm willing to bust a nut.**

**Well, see ya next time, reader.**


	7. The Boringdom of Kratos

**The Banana Slug: Hiiiiiii…**

**I was at first against making more than six chapters, buuuuut I had real fun making the chapters, so guess what!**

**I'M MAKING ANOTHER! ALL THE WAY TO…THE END…OF THE ANIME…CURRENTLY…**

…**Fuck it…**

* * *

><p><strong>THE MELANCHOLY OF KRATOS<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

CHAPTER 7: The Boringdom of Kratos

AKA

ARE YA READY FO' SUM BASEBAAAALL!

* * *

><p>Sitting down, playing Hungry Hungry Hippos with Mentok, drinking tea that a nurse-uniformed Azula served everyone…oh, and Dalek Yuki was there too…<p>

It all made me wonder, why do I get this feeling I have seen this all before? Like, this has happened before and I don't remember it…

No, wait, that stupid Endless Eight crap isn't on this one, isn't it? Dammit, oh well, which episode is it again? The which episode? Whatball?

Then, Kratos smashes through the wall and yells, "We are going to play baseball! Free steroids all around!"

Like he needs steroids, he's pure testosterone without them! Wait, baseball? Did he say we are going to play baseball?

Great, this is a baseball episode! What next, are we going to have a clip show? Maybe a beach episode? Oh, oh, I know let's have an episode where we repeat the same shit eight goddamn times!

"Squidward, stop being a pessimist!"

Alright, alright, Mentok, I'll stop, but I'm just saying! Okay, I decided to voice my opinions, even though it'll fall on deaf ears.

"Did you say baseball?" I asked with a raised…brow.

"Yes, yes I did, I wish my opinions would not fall on deaf ears," answered Kratos grumpily.

"So, you signed us up for baseball, that is what I am guessing, right?" I asked in my ever-present uncaring tone.

"HE JUST SAID THAAAT!" screamed Dalek Yuki.

"We just need to find four more people," Kratos told everyone, "We just have to find people good at baseball."

"Well, that'll be hard to do, you killed nearly everyone on the entire planet," I reminded harshly.

"I know, but they fucking started it," growled Kratos.

"How?" I argued.

"…They were born," answered Kratos coldly. Well, that shut me up.

"Okay, but why are we doing this anyway?" I asked.

"Is it to show what the SOS Brigade is made of?" asked Azula.

Kratos then grabbed her by the neck and started to squeeze it. "No, it's because Banana Slug said I had a small penis, and killing him won't change that but winning a game of baseball does, and we better win, because you know how much I hate to lose!"

He then threw her out the window and bit my nose off, making me scream in pain…

After an hour of proving how much he hates to lose and a few minutes in the ER, we met up at the Brigade Room again.

"So, does anyone know of anyone who can join our team?" interrogated Kratos.

"You threw me through a window," added Azula blankly.

"No I didn't," added Kratos quickly.

"I can get Spongebob and Patrick to help," I added, holding my bandaged nose.

"Anyone else?" interrogated Kratos.

"I know someone," added Azula.

Azula…a friend? With her? Of all people? A jest I say! A jest!

"No it's not, it's a friend from this time period!" argued Azula. Dumbass, Mentok is the psychic one, not you!

"I got someone," added Mentok.

"Who?" I asked cautiously.

"Phil Ken Se…"

"No, I got someone."

"…He can play a mean cricke…"

"N-O spells no, Mentok!"

"Fine!" pouted Mentok, crossing his arms and looking away, mumbling, "Spoil sport."

"So, um, where do we practice?" I asked.

"Over there!" shouted Kratos, pointing at somewhere…not sure exactly where he was pointing at…the wall maybe…I'm guessing the wall…that's my most likely guess…

* * *

><p>Afterwards, we walked towards the baseball field to…OH! So that's what he was pointing too, I couldn't see with the blinding light from nowhere.<p>

Anyway, we where drafted into the baseball tournament, fighting more experienced and possibly more famous players because…well, Kratos was bored…hey, at least he wasn't smiling like an idiot!

He approached the baseball team, the Yip-Yips, and was then ready to negotiate with these slimy Martians.

"Okay, listen, we need to use the field, and we'd also want to use your field," growled Kratos.

They stared at him and started to spout a bunch of pointless words. "Use..field? Use field? Use field? Use field? Yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip!"

We all paused at that pointless example of unneeded cameos. Kratos sighed and ordered, "Get out of the field and let us use your stuff, now!"

"Uuuum…uuuum…nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope-nope-nope-nope-nope-nope!"

"We only need to use it for a little while," he then grabbed Azula and pulled her in front of him, "Right Azula?"

With a total look of apathy, Azula was ogled by the Martians. "Ooooooh, ooooooooooh," the Yip-Yips ooed, "Sixteen? Sixteen? Sixteen? Yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip!"

She then pointed her finger up and smirked as a fireball appeared at the tip, blazing with blue flames.

"OOOH! OOOOH! UH-OH! UH-OH!" ooed the Yip-Yips, they then yelled as they ran away.

Aliens are so predictable.

"THAT IS NOT TRUUUE!"

Why is everyone reading my mind when Mentok is the only one that can read minds?

* * *

><p>We were then lined up in front of the path of Kratos' wrath, who held a bat as the Yips held the ball with their…tentacles…<p>

He then struck the ball, sending the orb of leather and newspaper clippings right at us. It zoomed past Azula's face as she was putting on the baseball mitt.

"Hey, I wasn't ready!" yelled Azula, who ducked from the other ball.

"The enemy will not care if you dodge, they will kill you!" roared Kratos, who proceeded to continue to hit balls at us.

It was ridoodoodiculous, and I did not steal that from Adventure Time, the balls were coming straight at us, so hard and fast. I had a hard time keeping up with Kratos, Mentok had a much more harder time though, the balls kept on hitting his face, he had to take a minute to recover. Yuki just stood there and took the releases of the ball, even catching a few with…

"Oh my god, do you even hear yourself!"Huh…

…

…OH! Grow up!

Azula was pelted by the baseballs, hitting her stomach. She shrugged it off and was still ready to play. Suddenly, the ball rolled and gently tapped her toe.

"GAAAAAAH!" she screamed and fell the ground in pain, "It hurts! Oh god it hurts! How could you do that! How could you do something like that!"

"Don't worry, next one is coming for your head!" yelled Kratos, getting ready to shoot.

I had no choice, my fifth tentacle told me to save Azula from the angry Kratos, who was pissed off as usual.

I ran to Azula, dodging a barrage of incoming baseballs, finally coming on Azula…I mean, TO Azula, I came to Azula.

"Yeah, yeah, it's not funny anymore."

I knelt beside her, my "hands" on her shoulders. "Are you alright, Azula?"

"My toe hurts, what do you think?" growled Azula, "Now, stop getting too nice or the Cookie Monster will destroy us all."

I got her too her feet, and started to lead her to the caged area. Kratos the yelled at us, "What are you doing! We still have to practice some more!"

"She's injured, Kratos!" I argued. Suddenly, a baseballs zoomed past my head.

"NOT AS MUCH AS YOUR HEAD!" roared Kratos.

Me and Azula ran from the wrathful baseballs of Kratos.

"Oh! If you didn't say "base" I would've had so much fun with that line!"

Kratos growled as we safely got away from his wrathful baseballs. "Alright, now it's time for the Martians!"

The Yip-Yips looked around, "yipping" to each other…as did the Martians from _Mars Attacks_, but they were "eh-ing" to each other.

"The stupid Martians!" yelled Kratos. They continued to "eh" and "yip" to each other.

"The more likely Martians!"

The "eh" Martians let out sounds of disappointment as the "yip" Martians yipped with glee…for a while…

* * *

><p>We watched as Kratos batted the Yips across the sky, possibly killing them, well, at least until they come back with a message from Rammstein…wow, the author must really like Rammstein, I wonder how else he'll reference them…<p>

"Huh," let out Mentok with amazement, "Kratos batted about 1000 Yip-yips."

"I am not amazed that you paid attention, but I am more amazed that you said that." I told lethargically.

As Dalek Yuki was leaving, I stopped her and whispered into her "ear", "Hey, do you think it is possible to make some weather changes, like a huge storm that cancels the game?"

"IT IS POSSIBLE! BUT I WOULD ADVISE AGAINST THIS! WE WOULD DEVASTATE THE ENVIROMENT IN 100 TO 10,000 YEEEAAARS!"

"…So?" I asked, not caring for the future.

Dalek Yuki turned to me and just looked at me from her eyestalk thing. "YOU ARE A COLD-HEARTED BASTARD!"

She then hovered away…I was told off by a xenophobic Dalek…does anyone know the word, "hypocrite"?

* * *

><p>The day of the baseball tournament has finally arrived, did I mention it was on Saturday, and it was Friday? So, I guess Patrick had a point…we DO skip past some important plot moments…<p>

So, I wonder who is going to parody Tsuruya? Is it Haruko Haruhara? They are voiced by the same person. Or maybe Chowder? They both have that tooth thing…

"Nyeheheheheheheh! Nyehahahahahahahah! AAAH HA HA HAAA HA HA HAAAAAA!"

Oh, right…the laughing. I turned around to find the B:TAS version of the Joker, wearing a purple version of the jumpsuit with green lines.

"So, you are Squidward, eh?" hissed the Joker, "Have any fun with the female students! AH HAAAA HA HA HAAAAAA!"

…Heh, heh, that was actually kind of funny…

"Oh, Squidward," let out Azula as she walked toward us, "I see you have met my friend, the Joker."

Spongebob and Patrick then rushed past me and did not know the danger of the Joker. "Hi, I'm Spongebob Squarepants, and this is Patrick Star!"

"Nice to meet ya!" greeted Patrick.

"Ooooh, so you are Spongebob and you are Patrick, eh? I'll have to remember it when I visit your funerals! AAAH HA HA HAAA HA HA HAAAA!"

"Squidward!" shouted Kratos from behind me, who was wearing his red loincloth, "Get your ass over here!"

I did as he said, for when Kratos has the red loincloth on, he means murder.

We then spoke from behind the stands, with Kratos mad as hell. "Are you serious? You are going to let something like that play baseball?"

He then pointed at my sister…brother…Heavy, who was throwing Spongebob in the air, both of them laughing like idiots.

"Hey, don't call my big brother a…yeah, sure, he's a something, but it's still rude as hell!" I argued.

"He introduced himself as a ten-year old fifth grader, what does that say?"

"Okay, he might be a little off in the head, but…"

"This isn't just some little league, this is a man's baseball tournament! Real men play this, you understand!"

Yes, of course Kratos, which is why I brought my mentally unstable brother here in the first place. I mean, we don't have a chance in hell to win the tournament, I mean, we have a God of War, a mind-taking lunatic, a fire-using psycho-bitch, a Dalek, an insane criminal, and a Russian maniac with a mini-gun…

Oh, shit…

"Alright, alright, he'll be a bit of a handicap, I don't want to win this too easily…"

…Are you serious, Kratos?

"Why so serious, Squidward? AAH HA HAAAA!"

…Do I have a radio in my head right now?

* * *

><p>As we sat on the stands, watching two homeless guys fight over a half-eaten hot dog, I decided to ask Kratos something.<p>

"BTW, did you figure out the batting order?" I asked.

"Yes, yes I did, Squidward," answered Kratos, he then showed me two paper sheets in his hands.

"One for field things, the other for batting whatevers," explained Kratos, "I'm also the first to bat and the pitcher."

"Like always?" I asked, he nodded, I then looked at the sheets again, "Hey, this one is just a drawing of you having sex with Haruko from FLCL!"

"I was distracted," growled Kratos.

"And this other one is just 'Die, Squidward, Die' over and over again," I argued.

"Okay, you choose the batting order if you are so smart, clarinet-boy!" growled Kratos.

Oh, I will, and you leave my clarinet out of this, muscle-head!

"What was that?"

Oh, nothing! Sorry, open-minded…apparently…

* * *

><p>So, after an hour of hard decisions of choosing who gets to bat and who stands on what field, cursing in silence about Kratos' poor decision, the homeless guys were both defeated by Heavy, who was hungry, for he missed lunch.<p>

I think I shouldn't worry about this, as our first team is Red Skull and the Sentinels, who are a shoe-in to win this season. Great, we are fighting against a super-Nazi and a bunch of racist robots, there is no way we can win! Fantastic!

Soon, it will all be over and I can go home!

"May ze best mensch win!" hissed Red Skull.

"I intend to," growled Kratos. They both glared at each other and walked away, with their respective teams. Boy, things are gonna get rough!

Suddenly, we stopped to see the Banana Slug sitting at the Red Skull's stands, eating caramel-covered popcorn and drinking Pepsi with lemon in it.

"What are you doing up there?" I interrogated, "You are only suppose to be here in small cameos! If you keep on doing this, people are going to assume you are a n00b for putting yourself in a story!"

"Shaddap, I am the couch!" yelled the Banana Slug, "So, suck my hermaphroditic dick and play ball!"

* * *

><p>The game started with Kratos to bat and Red Skull to pitch, looks like Red Skull's the pitcher in this game…heh, heh.<p>

Red Skull pitched the ball and Kratos nearly knocked it out of the park, he only had a short time before a Sentinel jumped up and caught the ball.

"You call that a pitch!" taunted Kratos.

"Ihre Mutter saugt die Penisse von ranzigem Ziegen," hissed Red Skull.

"…What?" let out Kratos, not understanding German. I think Banana Slug did, as he was laughing like hell.

Red Skull then nodded to a Sentinel, who proceeded to nod back as Azula took her place. "Alright, let's play some…"

She then ducked as a baseball zoomed past her, reliving horrible memories of her toe getting hit by Kratos' baseball.

Besides, Red Skull is hitting to hard, if he hits her I'll…I'll…be very cross but won't be able to do anything because Red Skull scares me.

After Azula shamefully lost to Red Skull's terrifying throws, Banana Slug started to laugh at her and call her rude names.

"You suck! Why don't you go back to Middle-Earth Japan or whatever it is called! You're a freak! UHHHHGH!"

Dalek Yuki didn't even swing the bat, just let them fly past her.

"OH, I see, you can't bat! AAAAW! I'm sorry, are you a retard Dalek! Do you need your poop-soaked diaper changed! AHAHAHAHAAA!"

Wow, those taunts are brutal. As I took my place, I completely missed the ball zooming past me, with Red Skull smiling at me. I attempted to hit it again, but I missed.

I glared at Red Skull, and he smirked at me, he then threw the ball, I swung the bat…and I missed, I completely missed.

"You are a failure as a squid! You don't even look like a squid, more like an aborted octopus! LOL TO THE MAX, BIATCH!"

Damn Slug…

* * *

><p>After our turn ended, Kratos yelled out, "Let's prove why Japan is not affiliated with Nazi Germany anymore!"<p>

We all shouted with courage, ready to take down these racists, even though the Sentinels are a different kind of racist, and in canon, they would not join Red Skull at all, but since we don't care…we don't care.

Red Skull was up to bat, and he was "destroyed" by Kratos, who just threw the balls past them, he didn't even see them!

"Nice pitching!" yelled Mentok as he threw the ball back to Kratos.

"Grun Jude," growled Red Skull.

"Huh?" let out Mentok as Red Skull left the position, replaced by a Sentinel. But as he passed the Sentinel, he whispered, "Ihn vernichten." Don't ask me how I know this, I just do.

So, the Sentinel was up to bat, and he hit Kratos' baseball in a matter of seconds, the second one went past Dalek Yuki, who was looking at a butterfly, and out of the stadium.

Even with the Joker's good catching, Mentok's will, and Heavy's luck, we were still greatly losing.

Another factor was Red Skull's pitching, who was so great that it passes Heavy's mentality and Spongebob's strength, seriously, Spongebob hit one, but it still went past him!

Looks like we'll be going home next inning! And I have no respect for myself…

* * *

><p>"TIME-OUT!" roared Kratos, he then dragged Azula to behind the stands.<p>

After a few minutes, Azula was dressed up as a cheerleader, and Kratos was dressed up as…Captain America?

I wonder why Captain America, I then looked at Red Skull, who looked like someone just called him that which he hates. His body was shaking, and he had a hate-stare so great that it could boil water.

"I dedicate this next hit to all of Israel!" roared Patrick, who failed to bring glory to the great badass country of Israel, as he missed every shot.

Kratos was next to bat, with Red Skull trembling with hate, he then threw the ball, yet only half in concentration, as Kratos hit the ball and got to the next base.

Oh, I see, Kratos is using Red Skull's hatred of America and it's eponymous hero to confuse Red Skull. Sadly, it did not work for Azula, who was still missing the shots. Kratos kept on waving flags around, but I don't think Azula understand that kind of code.

* * *

><p>"Yello?" laughed Mentok as he answered his phone, "Mhm, mhm, mhm, who? Elmo? Why Elmo? You can't what? Okay. Okay. Okay. No, I guess I'll just have a sandwich…extra mayo. Maybe throw in a slice of bacon…Hey! If the world is going to end, I really don't care about the way my ass looks! Okay, I love you too, Momtok, bye."<p>

As I sat down, Mentok pushed his face into mine and said cryptically, "Things are going down the shitter right now."

"Don't care," I replied quickly, "But tell me anyway…"

"A Closed Space, bigger than the rest…except maybe the one you were in, has just formed and is spreading like wildfire, and we're all doomed as crap."

"Why is this happening, is it because we are losing?"

He then got up and left the stands, he turned to me with a glare.

"No duh, micro-brain! Soon, everything will end, and 'booweeoop' goes existence! So, play for your life or we're all going to be like Miley Cyrus in five years."

…Screwed.

* * *

><p>At the next inning, a Sentinel sent a ball straight at Heavy, who was shooting at a butterfly who was annoying him.<p>

"YOU LITTLE BABY! I WILL MAKE YOU LIKE SANDWICH! IN MY BELLY!"

I ran like hell, running for the ball, it was like Satan was sticking a pitchfork on my ass. I leapt out and, thankfully, caught the damn ball.

As the other team mates congratulated me, I sat down next to Mentok, who pressed his face on mine again.

"Anyway, as I was saying," Mentok said with a smile.

"A little close Mentok?" I asked.

"Sorry, I might be gay or Metrosexual, cannot say," laughed Mentok, who then continued from his last speech, "Remember when you and Kratos were in the Closed Space, how did you guys get out?"

"Cannot say," I replied.

"Well, if you tried that again, maybe it'll be all fine!"

"Not likely," I replied again.

"Fine, doom all existence, you selfish prick, I guess we'll have to go the hard way, by winning!" Mentok angrily chastised me. That was really deep and hurtful, but I cannot and will not do that again, as my pride is bigger than my love for humanity.

I then looked at Dalek Yuki, who was pouring the blood from a Chicken's throat on the bat and was chanting French or something.

"What is Yuki doing?" I asked myself.

"I don't know, I think Yuki is just messed up in the head or something," groaned Azula.

* * *

><p>When it was Dalek Yuki's turn to bat, she used that plunger thing to bat with. When the ball aced at her, she hit it, and it shot right up in the sky. As Dalek Yuki hovered through the bases, a plane fell right behind her, blowing up afterwards.<p>

"TAKE IIIIT!" screamed Dalek Yuki as she gave me the bat, "I PUT A CHEAT ON THE BAT, IT WILL HOME IN ON THE BAAAAT!"

Hacking Dalek…oh well, we just have to watch out for that guy who killed Ryoko the Xenomorph.

We were starting to win, even those with poor batting experience, like Spongebob, were hitting home runs…even though I think we killed a squirrel.

As I took the bat, I noticed Red Skull and his posse were secretly looking at the bat, studying it. If they discover what the bat could do, they could steal it and win…and I know he'd do it, he's a Nazi!

I approached Dalek Yuki and said, "I think that is good enough, right?"

"SURE, WHY NOOOOOT!" screeched Dalek Yuki.

Oh, sure, we began to lose again, but this time, we were tied, and this is the last inning, if we can keep Red Skull's team from scoring, then we win!

"So, is it a good thing we are winning?" I asked Mentok.

"Oh, that's not a big deal, if we lose, billions of people will die, but that's not important," sarcastically replied Mentok, boy, hitting below the belt, hm? "But since we are winning, the Closed Space is subsiding and everything is returning to Norman."

"But if we lose?""Simple: Booweeoop."

Great, all of existence is determined in a fight against the Germans…again!

"hey, Squids, I have a master plan!" Mentok added.

"Am I going to like this?" I asked suspiciously.

"Of course…maybe…not at all," replied Mentok nervously.

* * *

><p>I hate cheating, but I had no choice, the world, if you call it a world, is at stake. So, Dalek Yuki would secretly shock the Sentinels with EMP waves and make them miss, causing them to strike.<p>

"Victory will be glorious!" triumphantly roared Kratos, "And the Red Skull will cry back to Germany!"

Oh shit, Red Skull, he was next to bat, and he isn't a robot…at least, not this one. And wouldn't you know it, I am pitching! I am more screwed than the female students of this school…not me, I swear! It's the Banana Slug, he has tentacles in his mouth.

"Suuuure, Squidward, just try and not doom the whole universe!"

Damn you, Mentok!

I threw the ball in anger, and thankfully my anger was not as great as Red Skull's anger, causing him to miss and the ball to pass him.

Yes! We are going to win! We are going to win! We are going to…WE ARE GOING TO LOSE!

The ball tapped the mitt and fell on the ground, somehow counting as a hit. Red Skull then sprinted past Yuki and ran to the base.

"Pick up the ball, Yuki!" I yelled.

"WHAT IS A BAAAALL!" screeched Dalek Yuki.

"The round thingie!" I yelled.

"OH, THAT THING!" screeched Dalek Yuki, who grabbed the ball and looked at it.

"What are you doing Yuki!" roared Kratos.

"IT IS BEAUTIFUL! MUST EX-TERM-IN-ATE!" screeched Dalek Yuki.

"Throw it!" I screamed, feeling my testes rise up into my body.

Dalek Yuki then pointed it at Kratos and sent it flying towards him, it quickly took off his glove and flew pass him.

Red Skull smiled as he raced to the base, but was surprised by Azula flying past him, with the ball in her hands, shouting, "Sie verlieren, Shwanz Gesicht!" She then threw the ball at Red Skull's face, effectively making him "OUT"!

Red Skull in shame fell hard on the ground and was put on a state of shock, staring at the sky with his mouth open and his eyes full of bloody tears.

We all cheered in victory and the Sentinels gathered around the defeated Red Skull, who are pretty much feeling the pain of a thousand humiliated Doctor Dooms, Doctor Dooms defeated by Squirrel Girl.

"Boy, that stings, but fair guessing of the pain he's feeling!" laughed Mentok, reading my mind, "But what about the next game?"

"Oh ho ho, I am trying to figure that one out right now!" I nervously laughed, knowing that I have no clue about what to do completely.

Kratos then approached us and said in pure seriousness, "I am bored, I hate baseball."

"So, should we forfeit?" I asked hopefully.

"Yeah, Baseball is not for me, too much tobacco can hurt the gums," replied Kratos in boredom, who then walked to the stands, not before saying, "I am hungry, let's get something to eat."

"Well, that problem solved itself," laughed Mentok nervously.

Yeah, yeah, what a weak ending.

* * *

><p>"So, you concede?" asked Red Skull.<p>

"Yeah, we forfit, you win," I replied, hiding my hate, "See ya."

"Wait," yelled out Red Skull.

"Yeah?" I asked nervously.

* * *

><p>And so, afterwards, we all enjoyed an after-game lunch at WotLK's. I wasn't hungry, so I just had an Icecrown Blue Lemonade, but everyone else had a Lichburger with Kel'Thu-Fries.<p>

Well, I hope Red Skull wins, he deserved it…

...

…No, I don't mean it, I hope he loses, he's a Nazi! I hate Nazis! They are horrible people and they should feel bad! That goes for Sentinels as well! Sure, Mutants are dangerous, but they are dangerous because we hate them!

"That'll tell 'em, Squidward!"

Whatever, eat your Ghoul Nuggets and your Howling Fjord Fillet!

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: HA HAAAAAA! I should be outlawed…on the account I make lemons and a crackfic no one reads!<strong>

**Oh well, sorry this one took some time, had to figure out who'd be the pirates and who'd be Tsuruya, wish they gave her more screen time…**

**The next one is going ot be hard, I have to figure out if I am going to go by Season 2 episode line or Season 1...**

**If I can find episodes on YouTube, think I can make a good decision…wait a minute...**

**WAS I WRITTEN OUT OF THE STORY! MY OWN STORY! DAMN IT! I am soooo firing Squidward!**


	8. Banana Slug Leaf Rhapsody

**The Banana Slug: Well, I decided to do Season 2, yet cannot find any English Dubs on the net, so I used the Japanese version, WHICH is not a problem.**

**The only problem is that I have to bury deep into the bowels of the innernette to find the episodes!**

**Some times I wonder if this is too much trouble…Oh well, I just hope they release episodes with Sasaki and the Bizarro SOS Brigade soon!**

* * *

><p><strong>THE MELANCHOLY OF KRATOS<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

CHAPTER 8: Banana Slug Leaf Rhapsody

AKA

"This Time is Full of Poison!"

* * *

><p>Summer sucks, it is when your balls get so sweaty that they stick to your thighs like silly putty, or is that just the author's problem? I'm sure many people in the world have sticky balls during Summer, it's the most likely thing to happen in the Summer.<p>

I mean, IF you have balls, the heat will make them saggy like your grandpa's in a normal day. Thankfully, my testes are located deep inside my body, for I am a squid.

As I sat on my desk, flapping a magazine like a fan, Kratos poked me with his blades, but with the pain I usually endure that was nothing.

"Hey, guess what day it is," growled Kratos.

"Your birthday?" I asked curiously.

Kratos was silent, he then added grimly, "My birthday was just yesterday."

"Oh, sorry!" I nervously laughed, "Wh-what day is it?"

"What date is it, you should know, you tentacle freak!" growled Kratos.

"Okay, it's July 7th, so that…OH! You mean the Tanabata Festival?"

"No shit, you're Japanese, you should know that!"

"I am not Japanese, I am from the Pacific Ocean, and neither are you, you are from Greece!" I argued, "The only 'Japanese' person is Azula, and she's just considered _Pseudo-_Japanese!"

"Enough of your complicated words!" growled Kratos, "We are going to celebrate this shit more than Christmas!"

Wait, do the Japanese celebrate Christmas? Well, I'm sure for the gift-giving stuff…

* * *

><p>Banana Slug Rhapsody, which is the "glory" of being controlled via the laptop of a guy who thinks he's a writer, but is not! He writes fanfictions, this is not real writing! I hate slugs, especially Banana Slugs!<p>

…

When I get home, I am going to use up all my salt on live Banana Slugs!

I entered the room, seeing Mentok sitting where he always sits, Azula serving tea dressed up as a maid, and Dalek Yuki reading her book…nothing exciting happens here…

"Wrong anime, bucko!"

Damn green mind-taker.

As I sat down, Azula poured me some tea and Mentok pulled out a Clue board game…is Clue the new chess?

Suddenly, the door opened with Kratos bursting through, yelling, "Yppah ma I! Doog si yad eht! Sguls lla llik!"

I hate it when he talks backwards, it always confuses the hell outta me…and to anyone who translated that, I completely agree with him.

"Aren't you in a good mood," snickered Mentok.

I noticed that Kratos held a large bamboo tree in his palm, causing me to regretfully ask, "Where did you get that bamboo tree?"

"From behind the school," replied Kratos.

"But, behind the school is a zoo," replied Mentok curiously.

Suddenly, we saw a Giant Panda appear behind Kratos, letting out a loud, "MMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!"

"You'll get it back tomorrow!" yelled Kratos.

"MAAAAAAAA-AH-AH-AH-AH-AAAAAAAAAH!" bleeped the Panda as it ran away crying.

"Huh, thought you would kill it," sighed Azula.

"I never kill Pandas," replied Kratos deeply. Who knew he had a soft spot for Pandas?

"Alright, everyone write down a wish on these pieces of paper!" ordered Kratos as he handed out these pieces of paper.

"You mean like those two guys, Orihime and Hikaboshi?"

"Good job, ten points for Gryffindor!" roared Kratos, "Now, what stars are they?"

"The Draco System?"

"The two dead guys, not your reptilians," growled Kratos.

"Vega and Altair?" asked Mentok.

"85 Points to Gunderstank House!" roared Kratos, "Now, make some goddamn wishes or I will smack you bitches in the face!"

Which is what we all did, most of us was pretty materialistic. Mentok wished for a spin-off series and for a guy named Early Cuyler to get his come-upends!

"He knows what he did!"

Azula wished to rule the world and to find out the long awaited question: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

"Silly micro-brain! It's three!"

Dalek Yuki wished for the Dalek race to be the supreme race over all others and the "Enemy" to be strung up by his two hearts.

"…That's a cold bitch!"

And I wished for the fanfic to end and the death of the Banana Slug!

"…Wow…you are such a dick."

Whatever you green elf-man!

"WHY YOU!"

!

* * *

><p>After I came back from the school nurse from extreme brain trauma, I saw Kratos glaring into the sky, with the bamboo tree sprouting out the window.<p>

"Well, what did you wish for?" I asked Kratos.

"…Nothing much…" moaned Kratos.

Boy, does he seem depressed, I just had to ask, "Are you alright?"

"…Yeah…it's just there is no one to kill today," groaned Kratos, "I hate the day, I hope it dies horribly."

Afterwards, Kratos slumped into a state of melancholic boredom. Can't blame him, he's Kratos, the badass Ghost of Sparta, he was raised in blood, and blood is the only thing that will keep him happy.

As Azula poured me some tea, she slipped a strip of paper next to it, I knew it was important, so I made sure Kratos didn't see and read it, which it said:

"Butter, Bread, Milk, Tampons…"

Wait, wrong side…

"Stay in the room until only you and I are left, we need to talk."

Oh ho, ho, I wonder that means…maybe it's nothing, but if it is dealing with Kratos…then it's really bad!

* * *

><p>Afterwards, everyone left…boy, that wasn't imaginative! Hey, Slug, learn to write, will ya? Bastard…<p>

Of course, before Dalek Yuki left, she gave me a note, quickly hovering away. I looked at the note, it was me, with a small penis, peeing into my own mouth…cute.

Soon, it was just me and Azula, in the sunset, the orange sun the only light so that I can see that face of the princess of the Fire Nation of the future.

"So, what did you want to talk to me about?" I asked curiously and wantingly.

"Cephalopod, we need to go back in time three years from now, the information regarding the full details are classified, but I assure you, they are of the utmost importance."

Wow, so un-Moe. "So, how do we go back in time?"

She then pointed outside and I saw…a DeLorean? Well, it is good to go back in time in style!

She threw me out the window and I landed face-first next to the damn door, I looked up to see Azula already in the car.

"I thought Cephalopods were fast," sighed Azula.

"I fell fast, if that is what you mean!" I complained, getting in the time machine, "So, where are we going?"

"Back in time," replied Azula angrily, "What else do you think!"

Suddenly, we drove straight into the time stream, nearly colliding with a flying police box. Should we pull over, it _is _a police box…

We finally stopped, finding ourselves in an office, I can't tell where, so I had to regretfully ask.

"Where are we?" I asked nervously.

"We should be in Ancient Greece, but I think we went a little closer to our time plane," explained Azula.

The door to the office opened and revealed Abraham Lincoln staring at us. We stared back at him, and he continued to stare without a word.

"Ummm, hi, how are you?" I asked nervously.

He didn't say a word, and then, "LINCOLN MAAAAAAD!" He then started to breath fire and shoot lighting from his hands.

"Start it! Start it! START IT!" I screamed, which Azula quickly did so, leaving the office of the powerful Abe Lincoln, not before hearing from a distance, "LINCOLN SAAAAD!"

* * *

><p>I then woke up to find ourselves in 1970s New York, where disco ran like fine wine, the Farah Fawcett haircut was to it's most acclaimed glory, and Blacula was president. His bite was outta site!<p>

"Why was I asleep?" I asked in a daze.

"You saw your parents 'make' you as we went back in time, causing you to black out," explained Azula, "So, welcome, to Ancient Greece."

"…No, this is 1970 New York, Disco Era!" I argued in anger.

"Well, it was considered Ancient Greece to my world, we even have Museums featuring Dolomite's skull!" argued Azula.

"Oh yeah, and I am assuming Saturday Night Fever is considered the Odyssey to your world!" I scoffed with a smirk.

"Actually, it is," replied Azula with a smug smile. Boy, that shut me up…

Suddenly, she was hit on the back of the head by a crowbar on the back seat. I yelped as her head fell on the wheel, unconscious as H-E-L-M-E-T…huh?

I looked and to my horror, I saw Peewee Herman with a bloody crowbar, laughing his usual creepy laugh.

"What in Blacula's glory are you doing here!" I yelled in fear.

"Sorry, can't let her see me!" laughed Peewee.

"Why?" I asked nervously.

"Because, Squidward, if she saw me, it would make a paradox, and the Titan of Time, Cronus, would rise from Tartarus and kill everyone in this time plane, therefore making our timeline moot, and we'll all lose!"

"Oh, that makes sense," I replied sarcastically.

"Anyway, you need to get to Studio 54, where you'll find someone of great importance there, HAHA!" revealed Peewee with a creepy smile.

"Who?" I asked cautiously.

"Gee, does it seem like I have the answers! HAHAHA!" taunted Peewee, 'Now, I'll guard the DeLorean and you get to Studio 54!"

"Alright, but do I get any prizes for this quest?" I asked.

"Yeah, you get to live! Heheheh." threatened Peewee.

Knowing this guy, I took his word for it, I grabbed the unconscious Azula on my back and headed down the disco crazy streets of New York City.

* * *

><p>After passing by a riot being silenced by two crazy people in costumes flying on a mechanical owl-head and , I saw more of the wonders of three years ago.<p>

It was when disco run rampant like an infectious disease, passed on by sex. People are barely **stayin' alive** with this deadly virus that makes people **boogie oogie oogie**. But we **got to be real** and get out of **Funkytown**. Sure, **love is in the air** as they **keep on dancing**, but it would be a while till they **found the cure**.

"Squidward," murmured Azula, "If you make one more disco hit reference, I will rip your jugular off!"

"You may, but **I will survive**," I just had to do that.

Before we could say anymore, we saw something that should be a goddamn meme, it was Kratos, in a black and red disco suit and hat, walking towards us with a swagger and "Stayin' Alive" by "The Bee Gees" playing in the background for all to hear. His black platform shoes made cracks on the sidewalk, damn, he's a tough black mineral that won't cop out when there's heat all about!

I guess we went back in time because of this bad-ass mother-

"Shut your mouth!"

…

…All the way from the future?

* * *

><p>I approached the Disco Kratos and said a nervous, "Hi."<p>

Kratos then stopped and kicked me in the chin, making me fall on the ground. Thankfully, the unconscious Azula broke my fall.

"Out of my way, turkey!" growled Kratos.

I grumbled as I got up and glared at him, still carrying Azula, "Fine, do whatever, I'm leaving!"

I'm tired of this crud, I decided to walk to the DeLorean and just let existence just cease to exist!

"Get back your ass back here!" yelled Kratos. I sighed and regretfully returned to Kratos. I then asked in a half-assed, "Yes?"

"I need your help, I need to make a message to the Klingons, I want to fight them! And you are going to help me!" ordered Kratos.

"Why should I?" I asked in suspicion.

"Because if you don't, I will use your skull as a jock-strap and your internal innards as my ham salad!" threatened Kratos coldly.

I paused with a scared expression in my face, I then sighed and regretfully asked, "What exactly do I have to do?"

"Just follow me, and I will explain when we get there," growled Kratos, he then asked, "By the way, who's that on your back?"

I then quickly made up the perfect lie…

"My pet Koala."

Okay, maybe that wasn't so perfect.

* * *

><p>And with Azula on my back, I followed the white disco maniac across New York as we passed a crazy black man wearing a yellow shirt asking us, "Where's my money, honey?"<p>

We finally entered a vacant lot, and Kratos pulled out the dead body of Dr. Octopus.

"Make markings with his blood!" ordered Kratos.

"What markings?" I asked in frustration.

"Make the symbol of the Klingon Empire, dipshit!" roared Kratos, "Now, follow my orders and do as I command!"

Great, Kratos was still a massively angry dick as he is in my time. As I suffered angry outbursts from Kratos for every single wrong detail, saying the Klingons will beat me severely…weren't the Klingons still Puerto-Rican by this time before they became ultra badass like today?

After finally making the symbol of the Klingon Empire…wait, Patrick didn't even mention this…that means this whole thing is completely moot…

…

Meh, who cares anymore?

Suddenly, Kratos appeared behind me and asked me from out of the blue, "Hey, do you believe in aliens?"

"Well, I know you do, as you made me make this goddamn symbol on the friggin' ground."

"What about time travelers?"

"Hell, I bet they can create fire from their fingers."

"Espers?"

"Which one, fake-ass ones or green ones?"

"Espada?"

"Huh?"

"Reptilians?"

"…Don't get me started."

Kratos was silent for a while, I noticed that on New York, this is the Tanabata Festival…IF Americans actually celebrate it, it would matter to them, but it doesn't, because they think they are the best…when it is actually the great city of Amsterdam!

"What's your name?" asked Kratos.

"…Harold Saxon!" I revealed in a wicked grin. DA DA DA DUN, DA DA DA DUN!

…

You get it?

"Okay?" let out Kratos with a confused look fitting the tone of his voice. Oh, crap, I forgot, "The Sound of Drums" won't show up for a few more years.

"I am going to leave now, crazy Harold Saxon man," grunted Kratos slowly, as he backed away from me until he and I was out of view.

"I hope he doesn't put two and two together," I sighed in fear. Wait a minute, no he won't, he would have noticed by now! Boy, talk about forgetful! HEHEHEHEH!

* * *

><p>Walking back to the streets of Disco New York, narrowly avoiding Fez, when we got to the place where we left the DeLorean…only to find it was MOTHER-FUCKIN' STOLEN!<p>

Who would steal my goddamn DeLorean! Well, it wasn't _my_ DeLorean, but still that was completely rude! I know I might be regretting this, but I have to wake up Azula…Kahless give me strength.

"Azula!" I called out, lightly slapping her face, "Azula! Wake up, Azula, wake up!"

She then smiled and mumbled, "Oh, Zuko." Creepy.

She then opened her eyes and gave me a dissatisfied face and sighed, "Oh, it's you." Well, I may not be your brother, but at least I never had a creepy relationship with my sister.

She then looked at the direction of where the DeLorean, she then quickly got up and had a face that was the mixture of fear and anger. She then turned to me quickly, with fire jutting from her hands, screaming, "Where is the DeLorean!"

"Um, I think Peewee Herman stole it," I replied bashfully.

Her expression turned to dissatisfaction and sighed, "Well, looks like we are stuck here, three years in the past, from current time."

"Right," I sighed in despair, I then let out, "Wait a minute, the present was the 2000s, this is the 1970s, right?

"Kratos destroyed this reality and made ours, which also means that…" she explained calmly, she then realized the full extent of her words and quickly became silent and sighed in sadness, "We are all screwed."

Just like Miley Cyrus.

I then realized something that could very helpful plot-wise, I remembered that one thing Dalek Yuki gave me, the very offensive note. I think it wasn't a way of insulting me entirely, but a secret message.

"Azula, I think I have an idea!" I announced half-heartedly, I then ran to a certain direction.

"…Oh no," sighed Azula, and she then quickly followed me to our destination.

* * *

><p>After three hours of running, we got to Dalek Yuki's apartment, which was for some reason in 1970s New York and I knew where it was. That is kinda confusing, if not entirely.<p>

I then rushed to the…the thing, you know, the thing where you push the button and it let's you talk to the person, kinda like a mixture of a phone and a doorbell?

"You don't know what it is, do you!" laughed the Banana Slug.

Neither do you! You are the one writing this!" I argued.

"…I won't comment," replied the Banana Slug.

Score 1 for Squidward. Anyway, I pushed the doorbell and I waited for a while. I then heard the call going through, but I didn't hear a thing.

"Yuki, you might not know me, but I am from the future!" I yelled hysterically.

"…"

"You gave me a message, I think it was to find you," I told her quickly.

"…"

"…Pizza's here," I sighed. The doors then unlocked, me and Azula then quickly rushed through the door and got on the elevator, finally making it to Dalek Yuki's door. I knocked on the door and it opened to reveal Dalek Yuki, wearing armor that…looks really cheap.

"WHERE IS MY GODDAMN PIZZA, BITCH?" screamed Dalek Yuki.

"Uh, sorry, we are from the future, you gave me a piece of paper with a picture of me pissing in my own mouth," I explained, starting to regret saying the last part.

Azula then laughed heavily, "Godammit, that is funny as hell!"

"HA! HA! HA! HA! THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I WOULD DO!" screamed Dalek Yuki, she then moved aside, "COME IN!"

We did as the crazy Dalek said and looked to see nothing has changed when I saw it in the future which was the first time I saw it, but it is the first time Dalek Yuki saw me, meaning she knew who I was in the future and-

"GET ON WITH IT!" angrily ordered God.

Sorry. "So, um, Yuki, can you help us get back to the future?" I asked politely.

"YEAH! SURE! LET ME EXPLAIN! EXPLAIN! EXPLAAAAIIIN!" screamed Dalek Yuki.

"…Okay?" let out Azula.

"…GET IN MY ROOM!" screeched Dalek Yuki.

I paused, I looked at the room, and I looked at her, and I looked at the room, and I looked at her, and I said, "I'm sorry, what did you want again?"

"GET IN MY ROOM, AND DON'T COME OUT FOR TEN MINUTES!" screeched Dalek Yuki, "OR YOU WILL BE EX-TERM-IN-ATED!"

In the fear of being exterminated, we did as the polar opposite of Yuki Nagato said. We entered her room, finding a large red heart-shaped bed, red lighting, and a drawer full of naughty appliances. We turned to Dalek Yuki, who was holding a camera.

"WINK FOR MAMAAAAA!" screamed Dalek Yuki.

"…You're kidding, right?" asked Azula suspiciously.

"FINE! SPOIL MY GOOD TIME! NOW DON'T LEAVE FOR TEN MINUTES! YOU WILL OBEY! OBEY! OBEEEEYYY!"

She then closed the door roughly, causing a crack or two. We waited for three whole minutes, and then we waited for three half minutes, and then for three more minutes, and then for three seconds.

"This is pointless, I am going to see what is outside!" sighed Azula. She then opened the door, to reveal Abraham Lincoln on the other side, yelling "LINCOLN GLAAAAAAAD!", and holding a trash bag. She quickly closed the door with a scared expression. She then turned to me and nervously laughed, "How about we try that again."

"Your funeral," I replied lethargically. Damn, is lethargically my trademark combination word?

She then opened the door again and saw Dalek Yuki in front of it, who said, or screamed, "OH! I WAS GOING TO TELL YOU I GOT THE MATH WRONG! IT WAS NOW THAT YOU WERE SUPPOSE TO BE FREE! NOW, YOU MAY LEAVE THE ROOM!"

We then exited the room, to see everything was back to normal, except that it was the 2010s, where the economy sucks, China owns the USA, and people freaked out by false predictions from a guy who got it wrong before…seriously people…he got it wrong, stop worrying!

"I FROZE TIME IN THAT ROOM…WHICH FOR SOME REASON WOKE ABRAHAM LINCOLN FROM HIS ETERNAL SLUMBER IN THE TIME VORTEX!"

"Wait, so, I was asleep in the other room when we first met?" I asked curiously.

"NO SHIT," replied Dalek Yuki.

"But, how did you survive when Kratos destroyed that timeline and create this one?" asked Azula.

Dalek Yuki was silent, then going in a frenzy, twirling around, screaming, "CONTINUITY ERROR! CONTINUITY ERROORRRR!"

* * *

><p>After getting away from Dalek Yuki's Continuity Error freak-out, me and Azula sat on the bus stop, she was looking at the asphalt.<p>

"Squidward, I have something to tell you, but I don't really know how to explain it," let out Azula.

"You're a Kraken," I finished, "I know."

"No, not that, you see, I was deputized into the Borg Collective, I am not even a true member, they just asked if I would like to go back in time and I was like, sure, why the hell not, understand?"

"I think so," I replied thoughtfully.

"Also, I am not a Fire Nation Princess…anymore," continued Azula in embarressment, "I was dethroned and beaten both physically and psychologically by the resisting forces."

"You mean, you were raped?" I let out.

"WHAT! No, no, I wasn't rape!" argued Azula, she then said with a little resistance, "I wouldn't have minded…"

"No no no, this fanfic has too many problems, jus drop it!" I argued quickly and breathlessly, "Just tell me the rest!"

"Alright, alright, I then had a mental breakdown, I went insane, spent some time in Arkham Asylum, met a nice chap by the name of Jonathan Crane, but I couldn't commit to his strange fetish, which was Phobophilia. I then checked myself out and joined the Manson Family…only to get kicked out…"

Kicked out of the Manson Family, that's a little hard to do. "Okay, okay, I think I get the picture, you went through a lot of crap!" I sighed nervously.

"Yeah, life is hard, but you have to remember, everyone dies, and you should be happy that they aren't going to mess your life up anymore," Azula said to me, which was like Confucius telling me to order French Fries with my Diet Soda.

But nonetheless, it made me think, it made me think real hard…it means that Spongebob and Patrick will die, and I will be finally happy.

* * *

><p>The next day, me and Mentok were playing Chutes and Ladders in the clubroom, I was still at the bottom as Mentok stayed up at the top.<p>

"So, Mentok, I have a question," I said to him.

"Shoot…and later," replied Mentok, he then let out a small chuckle, "See what I did there?"

"Okay, here it is," I replied, I then asked seriously, "Why did this chapter take so long to make?"

"Well, the English episodes have yet to be made, and the author hunted down the Japanese Episodes, which were for some reason not, and I repeat, NOT on YouTube. So, he had to go to Veoh, and for some reason, for him Veoh is kinda hard to handle, it's like the YouTube for angry confusion."

"I think he is over-reacting," I replied.

"Meh," replied Mentok uncaringly, "I just play by the punches, what do I have to say about all this, I mean, you are the friggin' narrator!"

Ha, he's right, I am the narrator! And he is the stupid guy I talk about, and the writer, he is just the guy who writes my material!

"Hey, Banana Slug, you want me to…"

"HELL YES!"

"MIND TAKE! BOOOOWEEEEYOOOOO!"

Who lives in a Pineapple, under the sea! SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Yeah, that's why it took so long, my small and non-existent audience…wait, more than a hundred views! Really! Awesome!<strong>

…

**Except that…60 of it is…of the first…chapter…**

…

**WAAAAAAAAAHAAAAHAAAHAAAAAAAH!**


	9. Mystique Be Trollin :D

**The Banana Slug: I'm in kinda a blue mood, I just saw the new episode of South Park, and it just made me think that…it's getting old.**

**Soon, like the Roman Empire, it will go down, even though I don't want it to, I want it to stay on forever, so that I can fuck all the Roman women I want…oh, and watch South Park…**

**I mean, nothing will break me from my…wait a minute…dubbed videos of Haruhi Suzumiya Season 2 on YouTube? No, no, it has to be some anime n00bs…wait, this is legit?**

…**ARE YOU KIDDING ME! I suffered Veoh and watched the episodes in Japanese and it turns out that YouTube has the legit English dubbed episodes of Season 2! ARE YOU KIDDING ME! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!**

* * *

><p><strong>THE MELANCHOLY OF KRATOS<strong>

**By the Banana Slug**

CHAPTER 9: Mystique be Trollin' :D

AKA "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!"

* * *

><p>It was final exams, pencil shavings in the air, the smell of graphite seeping from the paper, an angry slug fuming gibberish outside the window.<p>

During that, Kratos was in a great state of melancholy, I looked behind me, to see Kratos, frozen in a comedic sad face, just looking at me.

It was so annoying. So annoying. So very annoying. Oh my god, it was so annoying. I can't tell you how god-damn annoying it was. I could tell you a whole chapter about how annoying this is…I cannot even focus it was so annoying, my god, how can something like this annoy me so much. IT IS SO ANNOYING! Annoying. Annoying.** Annoying**. _Annoying_. Super Annoying…

…

…

My god, it is so annoying!

"Shut up!" yelled Kratos, slamming my face into the window. My last vision before I went was the slug making kissy faces at me.

* * *

><p>After coming back to the emergency room, I played a game of UNO with Mentok as Azula served scorching hot tea on my lap, me screaming, Dalek Yuki letting out a wicked laugh. Kratos was working on the computer, I wasn't sure what he was working on. The last time I looked at the computer, he was on Newgrounds watching XJ-9 from My Life as a Teenage Robot get bonked by two rock creatures…that one was amazing…not quite sure what he was on now.<p>

"Squidward, get your as over here," growled Kratos.

"Yeah, what is it?" I asked in boredom.

"I am making a sign for the SOS Brigade, I want you to review it," replied Kratos.

"Alright, let me…" before I could finish, I saw what it was…just the same thing from the anime, only black and red. No need to make a big deal about it.

"Are you sure you want to have this as our sign?" I asked critically, "It's horse dick."

"…Shut up!" ordered Kratos rudely, "I have to make a symbol, no one is looking at the damn website I posted. Mainly because you won't let me make it into a pornographic site like I wanted it to be!"

"Why don't you write a blog or something?" I suggested.

"No, bloggers are nothing but stupid idiots, just like fanfiction writers!" angrily scolded Kratos.

"Um, Kratos," I let out fearfully.

"What?" growled Kratos.

"I wouldn't talk bad about fanfiction, he might be watching," I let out.

"Live in fear of you Banana Slug boyfriend!" growled Kratos, getting up, "I want you to put this symbol on the website and find me a Red Snapper!"

"Why don't you do this crap!" I argued.

"You don't expect the Queen to get off her rump and do stuff, do you?" argued Kratos.

"You're a Queen?" I asked in confusion.

"…Suck off!" growled Kratos.

Well, can't argue with that, I grudgingly did as the Dictator Queen demanded, I shrunk it, paste it, buy it, use it, snap it, crack it, zip, unzip it…technologic.

* * *

><p>Starting tomorrow and lasting until Summer Vacation, we get to have our exam break, it's also the time my teachers mark my answers wrong.<p>

I look to see a large trollface on my name and "Epic Fail" on my grade section…

Damn, that's annoying. So annoying. So fucking annoying.

Guess I'll just have hot sex with Azula in my mind as I stare at her like a dirty old man who has troubles getting it up for comfort.

I knocked on the door, thinking of hearing Azula's voice going, "What up, bitches," from the other side, but I heard Kratos give out, "Yes?" instead.

I entered to find Kratos at the computer, dressed in a black business suit, looking angry at the computer.

"You're the only one here?" I asked.

"OH, SO I DO NOT MATTER, HMMMM!" screamed Dalek Yuki, "WHAT WAS LAST NIGHT THEN! JUST A GAAAAAAAME!"

"I didn't mean it like that, Dalek Yuki, it's just…"

"YOU ARE A PIMPLY-FACED ASS-FUCKING CHRONIC MASTURBATOR WITH STUTTERING ISSUES! EAT A DIIIICK!"

The room was silent from Dalek Yuki's outburst, thankfully, Kratos broke the silence. "Anyway, I thought you were someone who wanted us to do detective work."

"Sorry to disappoint," I replied tiredly, with Dalek Yuki staring at me.

I walked over to the computer and looked to see instead of the logo, but a picture of Captain Jean-Luc Picard with white text, saying, "WTF IS THIS SHIT?

I tried to refresh the page, but nothing happened and Picard was still wondering what the fuck this shit is. I tried typing the page again, seeing if we got on the wrong one, but it was the same damn thing.

"I think the file was corrupted," I replied.

"You know shit about computers, Squidward!" roared Kratos, "Someone has trolled us, and when we find out who trolled us, we shall troll them. We will troll them mercilessly!"

Mentok then flew from the window, yelling…

"!"

…and then floating down onto his chair, "What up, bitches?"

"Someone trolled our website," growled Kratos.

"Ooooh, that's bad, do you think it was Zeus?" wondered Mentok out loud.

"Why would he, he hasn't trolled me before," replied Kratos. I looked and saw Mentok holding out CandyLand like a giddy schoolgirl, I shook my head, he then sadly looked on the ground and slumped on his chair, softly crying.

* * *

><p>After Kratos kept on demanding me to try and fix the website, which for some reason was incredibly impossible. These trolls are good, I had to close the website due to AIDS.<p>

Azula then entered the room, saying nonchalantly, "Sorry, I had to do more exams, due to me being a senior, but no worries, I passed, unlike Squidward."

Not my fault if the teacher is a troll. Oh Azula, your harshness reveals your demonic beauty, you are my Eva Braun, my Drusilla, your evil makes a radiant beauty that makes eyes bleed in pure lust and need.

"Also, I brought someone that needs our services." She stepped aside to reveal a ten foot green Wookie wearing the girl's school uniform. "RRREEEEEUUUUUGH!"

…Why are all the Data Interfaces unsexy aliens?

Anyway, her name is Emiri Kimidori, a "quiet" junior, asking us for help as our leader held a pen in his teeth like a cigar.

"So, you need our help to find your missing boyfriend?" asked Kratos, his teeth bare.

"RRRUUUUGH!"

"So, he does not answer his phone and he has not come to school for some time?" Kratos thought out loud, his chin resting on his fist.

"HUNRRHH!"

"And he is not at home, and his family are over-busy assholes who don't love their child, at least they don't live in Canada."

"RAAAMRRRRRRH!"

"Honduras?"

"RAAAARAAANH! RRRNNNNH!

"Not Honduras?"

"REEEUUUUUUUGH!"

"Oh, Las Vegas. Indeed."

Damn, he may have only said it once, but why does he always have to say indeed?

"So, why did you come to us?" interrogated Kratos, then shooting his pen from his mouth and puncturing a fly buzzing by.

"REEEEUUUGH! RAAAGH! RRRGH! REEEEEUGH! RAAAARAAAANH! RRRRNNNH!"

"Boy, that is what I call a sticky situation," replied Kratos, "So, who is your boyfriend?"

…

"MEOW!"

Holy shit, where did that cat come from!

"Can you say that again?" asked Kratos, "A cat interrupted you."

"RAAAAEEEEUUUUGH!"

Lo Pan! The guy who premature ejaculated when he touched Azula's breasts? The guy we stole the high-tech computer from? The guy who had that Pinky Demon that shredded me to bits!

"Don't worry, Miss Wookie!" yelled out Kratos, "We will save your premature ejaculating boyfriend and bring him back in a falcon's heartbeat!"

* * *

><p>THE NEXT DAY<p>

We all sat in the clubroom, all silent and stumped, not knowing what to do next. I lifted my hand and opened my mouth, trying to think of an answer as others watched me, but I regretfully put it back down.

"Okay," announced Kratos proudly, getting up with the chair falling on the floor, "We need to get to that evil twelve foot tall ghost man's house, he is obviously tired of school because he jizzed in his pants and decided to drop out, but we will enter his house and force him to go back to school, for we won't let him ruin his life like the author did!"

Boy, better said than done. Why would Lo Pan hide out in his home away from his girlfriend…who is a friggin' Wookie…okay, I see now…

But why didn't the Wookie girlfriend go to the police and ask them for help. Then again, when have the police did anything helpful, all they do is stop robbers, murderers, rapists, pedophiles, psychopaths, drug dealers, and super villains, that is nothing, nothing at all!

…

Selfish assholes.

* * *

><p>We approached Lo Pan's dark hideout, deep in Chinatown, with a mist covering everything, revealing…<p>

…

A nice little 3-story apartment building with flower pots and a nice little sign saying, "Welcome!"

How nice.

"Let's get this shit done!" growled Kratos. We all followed Kratos into the building, I hope we do not mess up a nice little apartment building like this place!

We got to Lo Pan's door, Kratos tried to open it the old-fashioned way, by turning the knob…a first time for everything, and it wouldn't open.

"Why won't it open?" wondered Kratos.

"MAYBE HIS BODY IS BLOCKING THE DOOOOR!" screamed Dalek Yuki.

"Maybe it's locked," I added.

"Impossible, there's no such thing!" growled Kratos, "Maybe we can smash the door down!"

Come on, Kratos, I don't want a criminal record…yet! Visions of my first murder appeared in my mind, I was strangling the life out of my grandmamma till the life went out of her eyes and her last breath touched my nose…

Mentok gave me a worried look and let out, "What the fuck, Squidward?"

"Fuck criminal records!" roared Kratos, "I AM THE GOD OF WAR!" He then punched the door down to reveal Lo Pan's apartment. It was messy, full of garbage, computer stuff, ancient Chinese artifacts, a guy blowing himself up, and porno magazines filled with girls with green eyes…and a basket full of wadded-up tissues.

"I thought we'd find him with a knife in his forehead," sighed Kratos, "Down on the ground, with a bunch of statues broken."

"WE NEED TO LEEEAAAAVE!" screamed Dalek Yuki, right in my face.

"Huh!" We just got here!

"The Dalek is right!" yelled Mentok in my ear, who then proceeded to blow his ranch-flavored Doritos breath on my nose.

"I have four pairs of shoes!" Kratos yelled at me, who then knocked over a fridge and started to attempt to forced feed Azula a sandwich.

"I'm not hungry!" Azula barely let out.

"Eat!" demanded Kratos angrily as a guy exploded green stuff behind him, "You must be less lithe."

"Anyway, I feel weird in here," revealed Mentok, whispering it to my ear, "Like when your peepee place starts to feel excitement for some reason when you go down a steep hill or a roller coaster, where it kinda feels good, but in the same time, it feels weird."

I get those all the times I get tossed out the window. "Like, a closed space?"

"Yeah, but not like Kratos', not like Kratos' at all," revealed Mentok cryptically.

"I WILL TRANSPORT US TO THE AREA NOW!" screamed Dalek Yuki, who's eyestalk then went yellow.

With a "YABBA DABBA DOOOO!" we were whisked away from this world to another.

* * *

><p>We found ourselves in a vast white wasteland, as far as the eye could see, I thought I saw a ship with black sails in the distance, shipwrecked on dry land, but I could be wrong.<p>

"What the fuck is this place!" growled Kratos.

Wait! He's not suppose to be here! The author is doing it again, he is screwing with canon and making something not right, like fanon! Why is he doing this! God damn it! Why is he doing this!

"Squidward, who gives a shit?" asked Mentok.

"I like it," replied Kratos, who threw a white rock into the distance.

"It seems to be a closed space, then again, it could possibly not be a closed space," guessed Azula.

"GEE, THAT WAS SMART!" screamed Dalek Yuki, "I COULD HAVE SAID THAT WITH MUCH MORE INTELLIGENCE!"

"Well, excuuuse me, Dalek Yuki!" argued Azula, "I was just trying to start a dialogue!"

This is really what we need right now, a cat-fight…never mind…we need one…WE NEED ONE RIGHT NOW!

Dalek Yuki then turned a bit, and then screamed…"AAAAAAAAAAH!" Yeah, she just screamed, not in the saying sense, but in actual screaming, she then screamed, "WHAT IS THAT!" This time she used the saying scream, not the actual scream.

We all looked at her direction and saw a giant cricket wearing people's clothes and smiling and waving at us.

"Howdy!" it greeted, "I'm Jiminy Cricket, nice to meet you all!"

Kratos then roared and jumped on it, stabbing it in the chest. Jiminy yelled and streamlined in pain, thrashing about. Mentok then shot a Galick Gun at Jiminy's hand, incinerating it.

"GAAAAAAH!" screamed Jiminy, "What did I do! Please, stop!"

He attempted to run, but Dalek Yuki got in his way and created a force-field, Azula then threw a fireball at Jiminy, bursting him in flames. He screamed a high-pitch scream, covered in flames like that one guy.

"WHY! WHYYYYYY!"

I would have helped, but I was too busy laughing my brains out. I don't know why, but it's screams for help was only met with my laughter and the other's hostility.

From the sky, that green little pedophile Tingle flew by in a little green airplane and sprinkled water on the burning cricket. The flames went out, revealing a charred version of the beloved mascot.

Kratos was still stabbing at him, blood soaking the sand. Azula shot a lightning bolt at his throat, blood sprayed everywhere, he started to choke and cough blood. As Kratos climbed on his back, stabbing at his spine, he fell on the ground, wheezing.

"I think he's dead," I replied, feeling a little bit sorry for the guy.

Dalek Yuki hovered by and used her death beam on the cricket, killing the cricket. "HE'S DEAD NOW, CRACKAAAAH!"

"So, why did we have to kill the cricket?" I asked.

Kratos then cut up the stomach of the dead cricket, he then pulled out the unconscious body of Lo Pan out and dropped him on the sand.

"OOOOOH, that's why!"

"Wait, he was in the cricket?" let out Mentok.

* * *

><p>We then found ourselves back in Lo Pan's room, with Kratos tucking his unconscious body in bed. We looked to see Dalek Yuki at the computer, looking at our website, showing Jean-Luc Picard criticizing us.<p>

"I'm leaving," said Kratos, he then left. Such lazy writing.

"So, how did this happen?" I asked.

"WE WERE TROLLED BY SOMEONE, BUT I AM NOT QUITE SURE WHOOOOO! BUT THEY HAVE OMNIPOTENT POWERS LIKE KRATOS! MEANING THE TROLL STOLE LO PAN AND CREATED JIMINY CRICKET TO DELAY US!"

"And why would they troll us in the first place?" asked Squidward.

"I BELIEVE IT WAS BECAUSE THEY ARE JEALOUS OF ARE AWESOMENESS!"

Yeah, sure.

* * *

><p>That next day, sitting at my seat in the SOS Brigade, with Mentok and Dalek Yuki looking at our website, Azula sleeping, and Kratos not here, made me think about things.<p>

The last time I remember, I was a cashier in the Krusty Krab, and not a student in a high school. But the next time I woke up, I am a student, and not a cashier at the Krusty Krab.

Why was I put in this situation? Why was I? It seems we were all drawn here by some omnipotent force. Is it Kratos? Haruhi? Or maybe it was the author…no, it wasn't the author.

"So, what exactly was Jiminy Cricket?" I asked Dalek Yuki.

"A SITH LOOOORD!" replied Dalek Yuki, and said nothing else. Well, that's all she needed to say, really.

Well, it turns out that 8 other people saw the logo, 5 were North High students, looks like we have to save them as well…ah, fuck 'em, who cares!

Afterwards, it turns out that the Picard picture of him criticizing us is gone, now showing a picture of an elated Picard with white text saying, "FULL OF WIN!"

Well, that's a lot better!

* * *

><p>Later that day, I found Kratos strangling the simplified corpse of Josef Stalin. I decided this was the time to best talk to him.<p>

"Hey, Lo Pan is back!" I yelled to him.

"Good, he probably was drunk and had a hell of a hangover," replied Kratos, snapping the zombie's neck, "We also got thirty-thousand hits on our website, good, right?"

"Probably Star Trek fans looking at the happy picture of Picard," I replied lethargically.

Kratos paused, then saying, "Yeah, but at least people are looking at the website."

"True," I sighed, "True…"

As I walked to the SOS Brigade room, I remembered something that really made me shudder, I asked Lo Pan today about a girlfriend, and he sad Emiri was in fact his girlfriend…okay, guess he likes them hairy.

But I wonder, was this whole thing an elaborate plan made up by Dalek Yuki, just a way to kill time? Dalek Yuki, do you get lonely when alone? And are fun things fun? And do people die when they are killed?

Before I could think more on the subject, I was suddenly attacked by the Pinky Demon, me screaming as it tore out my innards, growling and gnawing on my poor body.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: ARE YOU KIDDING ME! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!<strong>

**GODDAMMIT! WHY DIDN'T YOU ASSHOLES SEND ME A MESSAGE TELLING ME THAT! GAAAAAARAAARAAARRRAAAARRAAAH!**

…**I apologize for my actions, I have nothing but love fore my small audience…**

**Anyway, for any that read this crap, I put a poll on my profile page, asking who you think should play Sasaki when the character appears…ever…**


	10. Arkham Asylum Syndrome Part 1?

**The Banana Slug: Well, here is the fucking murder mystery episode that I was hoping to do since Kindergarten, or was it preschool? At first, I was a little worried because after this was a bunch of fuckin' Japanese-only episodes, but now, no thanks to you, readers, I can now watch in English and NOT in a fucking other channel…**

…**Some fucking help you guys are. **

**NOTE: THE AUTHOR DOES NOT HATE HIS AUDIENCE, HE MASTURBATES AT THE THOUGHT OF THE TEAMING MASSES READING HIS CRACKFIC.**

**P.S. Expect a special guest star that I used without permission yet claiming no usage for profit because this is fanfiction and we can do anything we want as long as it follows the rules the higher-ups for some reason gave to us even though it is kinda contradictory but we follow it anyway because we don't wanna be banned and being a rebel doesn't do any good now why are you still reading this, get a life, you homeless masturbator, FUCK YOU!**

* * *

><p><strong>THE MELANCHOLY OF KRATOS<strong>

**By the Banana Slug**

CHAPTER 10: Arkham Asylum Syndrome Part…1?

AKA Yeah, I'm sure it's one…or maybe four…ah, fuck it.

* * *

><p>"Okay, I wanna know what you got up your sleeve," I asked Mentok as we watched a woman litter while we were on a ferry heading out in the Indian Ocean…why the Indian Ocean?<p>

"Calm down, Squidward, we are just going on a retreat," replied Mentok happily, "We're just going on vacation."

"Why again?" I asked cautiously.

"It was my organization's idea, really, but I personally would like to go somewhere and not keep on working for a psychopathic Spartan."

"Yeah, so why are we bringing him along?"

"Yeah, well, he heard me mention it to a friend, and said if I didn't bring him along, he was going to use my skull as a toilet, as I was still alive. Naturally, I had to agree to his threatening threat."

Threatening threat? "Why would he care about all this hoopla?" I asked out of the blue.

"Well, he said it was a closed space, where you are cut-off from society, like a cabin in a blizzard, or a house in a volcano, or an asylum where an inmate takes control and you have to stop him from making an army of mutants."

Well, isn't that freakin' coincidental, we are heading to an asylum…Arkham Asylum…you may now play a scary song from YouTube to get the feel!

Also, you may ask, how the hell did this situation escalated from another? I will tell you, in a flashback!

* * *

><p>"So, anyone late will now have to suck Dalek Yuki's lenses, understand?" announced Kratos back in the past, about five days ago.<p>

"OOOOOH YEAAAAAAAH!" screamed Dale Yuki back in the past, about five weeks ago.

"Anywho, I have decided that the SOS Brigade will go on their very first retreat!" announced Kratos.

"Wait, why are we going on a retreat?" I asked in lethargy.

"Oh, gee, I don't know, Squidward!" snapped Azula sarcastically, "Maybe because school was so fun, but I think we should torture our fun by NOT going to school."

"…You're being sarcastic, aren't you?" I asked defensively.

"No," lied Azula blankly.

"We will be going to a…" Kratos started, he then nudged Mentok and said, "You say the rest."

"Yeah, yeah, I already know, mind-taking and all," sighed Mentok, he then explained with gusto, "We are going to this place a relative of mine owns, it's an asylum/summer beach-house, it's called Arkham Asylum!"

Suddenly, lightning flashed from outside, even when it was sunny and without a friggin' cloud in the sky.

"Arkham Asylum?" asked Azula curiously. LIGHTNING!

"Yes, Arkham Asylum," repeated Mentok. LIGHTNING!

"Arkham Asylum," acknowledge Kratos. LIGHTNING!

"…Blackgate?" I asked, tempting fate. CHILDREN!

* * *

><p>Flashback is over…that wasn't all that happened, there was evil demonic children, Kratos killed Ryoko back from the grave, Mentok found enlightenment, and I had sex with Dalek Yuki…there isn't much to tell.<p>

As Mentok and I sat down on one of the tables, drinking Mojitos, he then explained something else, "Now, let's think about detective's for a minute."

"Okay," I replied apathetically.

…Sherlock Holmes…

…Batman…

…Jimmy Kudo…

Yep, that was a minute in my time. "So, what's your point?"

"Yeah, well, in great detective stories, there is always a conflict, because if there wasn't it would be worse than Twilight…well, not that bad, but still pretty bad," explained Mentok, waving his arms around due to Parkinson's, "And there isn't any more conflict than an asylum, in an island, isolated from everybody. Sure none of that shit happens in real life, but in real life, there is no such thing as crazy god-Spartans, fire-bending time travelers, evil trashcans, green people, and green wookies."

And talking cephalopods. "And your point?"

"Well, detectives are always in the situation were a case is always thrown on their lap with such force that it breaks their legs, like as if they have a supranatural power that attracts all the weird and freaky crudoliolioly, always following them."

So, Batman **is** a super powered superhero. "You're crazy."

"No…No, I'm noT!" replied Mentok creepily, he then said normally and with his cheerful mood, "You see, Kratos is a person we all know would want that for himself, in other words, he wants be one."

"A Batman…"

* * *

><p>"I summon…three Blue-Eyes White Dragons!" shouted Kratos as we played street Yu-Gi-Oh, or the Yu-Gi-Oh that does not summon monsters from your ass.<p>

"Wait, that's against the…" I let out, but quickly shut myself up knowing of what I might bring, "Never mind."

"I summon Beaver Warrior!" announced Mentok.

"Play something other than Beaver Warrior!" ordered Kratos angrily.

"My deck is nothing but Beaver Warrior!" defended Mentok.

"Your deck is crap!" taunted Kratos.

Playing the game was Mentok, Kratos, Azula, Dalek Yuki, me, and Heavy, even though Yu-Gi-Oh is a two-way card game, but Kratos said it would be as if we are all trying to kill each other, which sounds really confusing but is actually factually possible if done right.

"Hey, small lady!" yelled Heavy to Azula, "Big brother tried to leave without Heavy! Does he hate Heavy! If so, I hate brother!"

I never intended to bring you in the first effin' place! Let's see, which flashback was it? Boca? No. The time I was beaten up by Rammstein. Oh, hell no. The first time I ever had sex? No, that was five days ago.

Oh, there it is!

* * *

><p>Just this morning ago, I had all my gear ready, and as I was brushing my hair, I heard grunting and shouts. I just thought Heavy was running with scissors again, but I looked out the bathroom and saw Heavy on his stomach, with his head in my bag.<p>

"Um, Heavy?" I let out in confusion.

"I am not in bag!" yelled Heavy.

I stomped over there and unzipped the bag from Heavy's fat neck and opened it to see Heavy's face, attempting to be cutesy.

After I pulled his head from the bag, he started to let out his patented cry of misery, which goes by the following, "WAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!" as he tugged my hand like a big baby with soiled diaper…oh god, now I am sounding like him.

"You are not coming with me!" I angrily shouted.

"NO!" roared Heavy, and he punched me in the face.

* * *

><p>"Well, we are glad to have you know," replied Azula with a smile, just right now, after I started the flashback, but I don't remember a pink ape giving me the bird from the second level.<p>

"He won't be a problem," I added nervously.

"Promise?" asked Azula.

"No," I replied blankly. Thanks to Azula's sigh of annoyance, Heavy was off the hook.

"So, how long will it take for us to get to the destination?" Kratos asked Mentok.

"Well," replied Mentok, ready to explain to us about the destination time, "We are leaving from Japan to Gotham City, which is all the way in the east-coast of USA, which is in North America, and we will have to cross Asia and Africa, so…six hours."

That…is the worst mathematics in miles I have ever ever ever heard in the history of this entire fanfic, why won't the author stop, everyone wants him to write more lemons, can't he ever take a hint!

"And then we will take a boat from Gotham to Arkham Asylum (LIGHTNING) driven by people that I know of, who will take us to Arkham Asylum (LIGHTNING)," added Mentok, as his Beaver Warrior was destroyed.

Great, we are going to an asylum were one of our students once stayed in…you know, Spongebob.

* * *

><p>After losing to Mentok's Beaver Warrior, and by the way, never have Millennium Shield up on offense as it will not work, I had to go and buy everyone a drink, all of them alcoholic.<p>

"Hey, Azula, Heavy, let's go up the sky deck, we might see a giant squid!" drunkenly announced Kratos, they all left with him in a drunken glee.

As I was about to fall asleep, I heard a slurred and very loud, "There's one!"

…

"Squidward!"

…

"Squidward! Get up! Now!"

As I woke up, a camera took my picture, causing me to scream out, "Give me back my soul!"

"Not until you give me back my taco!" argued Azula, holding the camera.

"I made Azula our official photographer for the trip," revealed Kratos, picking up Azula and putting her on his shoulders like a fur boa, "And you are the prime example of a slacking slacker!"

We then heard the horn blow the loud sound so loud that I can hear it, meaning we have finally entered…wait, Mentok said it would take six hours to get to Gotham…yet we entered in two and a half…

…Math sucks…

* * *

><p>We then exited the ferry with the one woman littering…who is she? Who is this mysterious woman? What is her story? What is she doing here? Is she here just to cause a sign of ambiance? Maybe, just maybe we cannot control fate. Maybe I must accept the fact that I am only created to be the cynical bastard that makes everything go on. I mean, who is this women, if not a plot device? Perhaps our lives are nothing but stories. Perhaps we…<p>

"Squidward, stop being philosophical!"

Fine, Mentok, I'll stop! I just hope this island doesn't have any clowns, scarecrows, penguins, or leather mask-wearing muchachos.

"They will," replied Mentok with a smile. Fuck you very much, bastard.

As we exited the building, we saw three figures waiting near a speedboat, my guess is that it is for us.

"Ah, Phil, long time no see, how long has it been!" greeted Mentok happily.

"HAHA! Memories! Of a time we left behind!" laughed Phil, "A long time, my good-chum, not since Birdman's funeral!"

"So, you are now a butler?" asked Mentok, "What happened to Sebben & Sebben?"

"I sold it to Burger Warchief, made a quick $3.50," answered Phil with a hearty laugh, "And now I am fully realizing my dream of being a butler, something I have always dreamed about! Ever since I was a little girl!"

Wait, wasn't that the taxi driver?

"And this is Rukia Kuchiki, the maid of the house," introduced Phil Ken Sebben, revealing an angry little woman with black hair and purple eyes, "Rukia, say something to our guests!"

"…He puts me in a pornographic fanfic, and now THIS?" grumbled Rukia.

I then focused my attention to the large muscular green-scaled monster wearing a blue jacket, blue jeans, and a realistic mask of a ripped off face with pale skin, long yellow spike-like bangs and behind it was black hair with red outlines, with a long chain around his neck with a license plate attached to it saying, "NOT KILLER CROC!"

"Oh, and this is my ward, Not Killer Croc," announced Phil, "HAHAAA! Pseudonym!"

"Please to meet you!" growled Not Killer Croc in a gravely and beastly voice.

"So, um, Not Killer Croc, how long have you been Phil's ward?" asked Azula suspiciously.

"He's been my ward for three minutes!" announced Phil proudly, patting Not Killer Croc's back, "Right when I found him devouring some trading card geek's intestines!"

Something tells me that Not Killer Croc is actually Killer Croc…but I have been wrong before.

"Well, I want you all to meet the micro brains that I mind-take in a day-by-day basis!" announced Mentok, pointing to us, "They are the SOS Brigade!"

"Rrrrrrrrrrmmmmm, they look tasty," growled Not Killer Croc hungrily.

"Mmmm, they sure do!" laughed Phil, he then whispered into Not Killer Croc's ear, "Get the Cayenne Pepper."

* * *

><p>We followed Phil, Rukia, and Not Killer Croc to the boat, which was not the speedboat they were in front of, but it was a speedboat nonetheless.<p>

"We shall travel to Arkham Asylum (LIGHTNING) in Not Killer Croc's boat, would you believe that some kids tried to steal it, claiming it belonged to a Yugi Moto," explained Phil, who cursed under his breath, "The nerve!"

Kratos then turned to us and yelled, "Why are you not all excited!"

"Because we aren't," I replied in a snark attitude.

Kratos looked at me, which slowly turned to a glare, which he then whispered out loud, "I saw what you did there…"

* * *

><p>After we all entered the boat, Phil sped it up to the maximum speed, running over fish, seals, dolphins (they deserve it, by the way), kids in the water (they deserve it, by the way), and the Penguin (who did not deserve it).<p>

As Heavy sat next to Phil, laughing like a madman, and Not Killer Croc, shaking Dalek Yuki over Kratos and Mentok with nothing coming out, I saw Azula stare at Rukia so intensely, maybe she's angry that she is no longer the only hot female character in this fanfic…that is maximum lulz.

"So, does the summer house near the asylum have a funky name?" asked Kratos.

"No, it doesn't," replied Rukia in boredom.

"Does the mansion have a dark history, like the owner went insane and killed himself?" asked Kratos.

"No, it doesn't," replied Rukia in the same tone of boredom.

"You're no fun!" roared Kratos.

"I don't wanna be here!" yelled Rukia, "I got drunk and had sex with Ichigo in another fanfic because of the writer!"

"Rukia Cooch-town!" yelled Phil, "One more word, and I will hit you in the face with my manhood!"

"Fine!" yelled Rukia, "I'll shut up!"

Kratos then stomped to Phil, driving the ship into a flock of geese, blood splattering everywhere, Not Killer Croc catching a dead goose flailing in the sky and eating it.

"So, does the master of the house wear a hat, does he have a gun, and does he have an insane arch nemesis?" interrogated Kratos.

"Yes to all!" replied Phil with his finger in the air and looking into the sky, with the speedboat narrowly missing a reef, "But I could be wrong."

"Is that the mansion?" asked Kratos, pointing at a large evil scary castle, belonging to Darkorath, who will not be appearing in this chapter.

"No," replied Phil.

"What about that one?" asked Kratos, pointing at a creepy Victorian-Era mansion near a large dark rotting high-security insane asylum.

"No," replied Phil, we were all silent for a minute.

…

…

"Yes," replied Phil.

"It looks so normal," sighed Kratos in anger. Yeah, everything is normal with Arkham Asylum. LIGHTNING!

As we were getting to the docks, we saw a large figure waving his hands at us, it was an incredibly muscular pale man with pure-white eyes, yellow green-tinted hair, and a psychotic laugh.

"Oh, look, it's the new warden, Broly," announced Phil.

"KAKAROOOOOOOT!" roared Broly, "AAAAAHA HAHA HAAAAA!"

"Um, is he sane?" I asked nervously.

"He seems sane to me!" Heavy roared with glee.

We docked the boat, and for some reason, I decided to watch him tie up the boat, fail a couple of times, and then throw a harpoon in the ship in anger, muttering to himself about carrots or something.

* * *

><p>We walked along the pathway to the mansion, stopping in front of it as Phil knocked on it loudly.<p>

The door opened to reveal…Linkara?

Yes, Internet Reviewer of bad comics in the web show, Atop the Fourth Wall, had made enough money to make an effin' mansion near a crazy asylum, what next will you tell me? That Dane Cook isn't funny? Or that the Green Lantern movie sucked? Oh, I know, that the Endless Eight series will be more open and more different because the author is a dick?

…You like the foreshadowing?

"Hello, I'm Linkara, and welcome to my mansion, where good comics rest and bad comics are not invited," welcomed Linkara.

Kratos then approached him and bowed, "Hello, good sir, thank you for letting us stay here, me and the SOS Brigade thank you from the bottom of our hearts."

"Um, thanks, but you don't need to be so courteous," replied a confused Linkara, "Nothing you can do would offend me."

Kratos then rushed over to the door and shoved Linkara out of the way, pushing him onto the dirt ground. "Outta my way, you virgin freak!" yelled Kratos, running into the house.

I helped Linkara to his feet as he sighed and said, "Boy, maybe I should have rethought my words…"

* * *

><p>As Linkara showed us around the western-style mansion, I looked to see many different pictures of him shaking hands with Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, the Joker, the Nostalgia Critic, and GIGANTOOOOR!<p>

"So, how's Auntok?" Mentok asked Linkara with a smile.

"Yeah, didn't you know, diabetes finally got to her," replied Linkara grimly, "She died peacefully…death by monster truck."

Mentok sighed and spoke as he looked at the ceiling, "Just how she always wanted."

Kratos then smashed through a door and roared triumelephantly as he ran into the room. Linkara paused for a moment and sighed, then forcing a smile and saying, "I see you have found your room, it's a good thing you all have different ones, or you'd all have to share with the Youngblood reject here."

"Hey!" yelled Kratos, pausing, then saying, "I can see very well, thank you!"

"Noted," sighed Linkara, he then turned to me and gave me a set of keycards, then saying politely, "Here are the keycards, you can throw Kratos' in the fire, just make sure you don't lose yours, as I have no replacements, due to the fact a nutty might escape from Arkham (LIGHTNING) and use them to…well…"

"Kill us?" I asked hesitantly.

"Oh, hell yes," replied Linkara blankly.

"If it is alright, you can stay in my room," Azula cooed to a lost Heavy.

"Only if you behave," I ordered.

"NO!" yelled Heavy, then staring into space again.

* * *

><p>After Linkara left, the SOS Brigade were all in one room as Kratos laid his back on the bed with his arms out. "I hate it here, it's so suspicious, because it is not suspicious."<p>

"And if it was suspicious?" I asked.

"Then there must be a logical and simple outcome to the situation," replied Kratos blankly. Okay.

Kratos then got up and growled, "I know who did it! I know who murdered Azula!"

"Huh?" I let out.

"It was me! In the Dining Room! With the Chainsaw!" yelled Kratos. Azula looked fearfully at Kratos, who was giving the most terrifying rape face in the world.

Will you stop saying stuff like that? Were there guests, you can't just shove Linkara like a dead fish, only if he asks for it…

…Wait, what? Oh, a seagull flew by the window, how nice.

"never mind, I'll just murder Dalek Yuki," sighed Kratos.

"TRY IT, BIIIITCH!" screeched Dalek Yuki.

"Let's go swimming, I wanna go swimming, I can't wait to go swimming, let's go swimming," said Kratos, all as he jumped from the window and stabbed a Killer Whale in the neck.

…So random.

* * *

><p>We all went to the beach to go swimming like Kratos said. Ah, it was nice, Heavy was making a sand-castle out of mud, Kratos was attempting to drown Azula, Azula was desperately clinging to dear life as blue flames jutted from her hands, Dalek Yuki was floating around chasing a hermit crab, and me and Mentok were watching like perverts at the towels and umbrellas.<p>

"Parasols."

Whatever.

"Mind-taking."

Bite me…GAH!

"Yummy."

After rubbing my bite wound, a crab hit my head as Kratos yelled, 'Hey, Squidward, get your ass over here and bring a ball!"

I looked at the crab, which looked at me dead in the eyes and said, "…Get back to work, Mr. Squidward!"

We all threw a ball at each other, playing a one-ball dodge ball game at each other, well, except Yuki, for she was an anti-social freak...like a psychopath.

Kratos leapt into the air as he hit the ball, he trousers accidentally falling down and GAH! TOO MANY BEACH BALLS!

Azula looked away, and saw something in the distance…I don't know why I know this, maybe because I had to look away from Kratos' divine sack.

* * *

><p>"Oh, look, Azula, we're in the dining room!" loudly announced Kratos as we sat at the table of the dining room.<p>

"Oh, joy," sighed Azula, not taking her eyes from Kratos.

Kratos then ate a dead wild boar, chewing loudly as blood-stained his lips. "This is good!" roared Kratos.

"I'm glad you liked it, Phil made it," replied Linkara, spitting out a bullet from his steak.

"Don't thank me, thank my apprentice, Not Killer Croc!" loudly announced Phil as he patted the back of Not Killer Croc, who was eating a dead arm of a nerdy card-playing teenager.

"Mhm," hissed Not Killer Croc.

"Say, do I know you?" interrogated Linkara.

"Uh, no, no, no," replied Not Killer Croc quietly.

"No, I never forget a face, I definitely know you from somewhere," replied Linkara, determined to get the poop from the disguised psycho.

"I used to do a lot of hardcore porn," replied Not Killer Croc.

"Oh…I…sure…" replied a confused Linkara, continuing to eat his badly-cooked steak.

Me and Broly watched as Dalek Yuki sucked in food from her plunger, like a large vacuum.

"Kakarot…" groaned Broly, playing with his food. Boy, what a fan for carrots.

Heavy the groaned, throwing a bell pepper at Dalek Yuki's eyepiece, who began to shake the stalk violently to get it off.

"I hate bell peppers!" yelled Heavy.

"If you want to grow up like Azula, then you have to eat them," I told him.

The room then went silent, everyone was looking at me strangely, even Phil Ken Sebben. Kratos shook his head in disappointment, Mentok snickered to himself, and Heavy looked like he was about to cry. It feels like Kindergarten all over again.

"Sicko," whispered Linkara negatively.

Dalek Yuki then finally got rid of the bell peppers, landing on my bulging eyes. Not one person helped me in my time of agony.

* * *

><p>Afterwards, we then played fireworks out on the beach, where a Roman Candle shot into my eye, then into my mouth as I screamed in pain, then into my armpit as I yelled madly, and finally, my soul, crushed by the laughter of my so-called friends.<p>

If only the story ended there, it would've been the greatest thing in the world, hell, even if it was the end of the whole goddamn fanfic.

I was completely and utterly wrong! Godammit…

The next day, a storm of biblical proportions appeared out of the blue, by biblical proportions, I mean that two of the four horsemen were surfing outside during said storm…on their horses.

As we all ate at the table for breakfast, I noticed Linkara was not there, which made me wonder, why are two of the four horsemen outside surfing?

Well, Kratos got his wish, something happened, something you'd never find on ordinary life, a storm, yep, never see those things on a regular basis, no way, not at all.

* * *

><p>Since we couldn't go outside, we decided to go to the game room to play. We first played Candyland, but I got bored and walked away, Mentok was displeased.<p>

We then played Ping-Pong, a decent game, except Kratos kept on hitting us with the balls, PING-PONG balls! They would continuously hit us in the face, the ping-pong balls just kept on coming and coming. I could not keep up, but Mentok was able to take his balls and use them to their full-potential, hitting the balls over and over again."I just realized you didn't correct that when I was mentioned," Mentok said in a monotone voice. Yeah, I know.

Mentok then played Pool, holding the long shaft and released the force as balls hit each other over and over again, each going into the hole.

"Okay, Squidward, it isn't funny anymore," said Mentok, glaring at me, "Stop it." Nope.

Later, Linkara and Broly came into the room to play games with us. Broly beat me in arm wrestling, breaking my "bones", and he almost beat Kratos, but Kratos then glared at him, causing Broly to wimp out.

Mentok then played, he sure was man-handled by Broly and…

"MIND-TAKE!"

…It's so beautiful…

Linkara read a book the whole time, it was a comic book by the name of Youngblood, he then put it into his shirt pocket and moaned, "I'm going to my room, I got to wash my mind of this bad comic!"

Damn, he didn't say the line!

* * *

><p>We then entered Yuki's room and played some weird game, yelling who is the king as we drew straws, apparently, Kratos is the king…mah boi.<p>

"Number one!" yelled Kratos, "Turn around and say I love you to all of us, or I'll kill you with a battering ram!"

"IF THAT IS WHAT YOU WIIIISH!" screeched Dalek Yuki.

Dalek Yuki turned around and quickly turned back, screeching, "I LOVE YOOOUUU!"

"No!" yelled Kratos, "More feeling, you bitch!"

Dalek Yuki then turned around again, quickly turned back and screeched, "I AM GOING TO RAPE YOU, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!"

"Too much emotion, Dalek Yuki," sighed Kratos.

We continued to play stupid games, along with children's card games. Not Killer Croc entered my room as he folded our laundry, for a second I thought I saw his face fall off…then again, I am drunk as hell.

…

You're pretty.

* * *

><p>The next morning…I think. Well, anyway, the storm was still going on, and the two horsemen had to go home, supper was ready.<p>

I walked to Kratos' room, I greeted, "Hey, Kratos!" I was replied with a vase to the face. Hey, that rhymed, sort of.

"You are weak!" yelled Kratos.

"Anyone would fall down from a vase to the face!" I yelled.

"Hey!" yelled Kratos, then saying softly, "That rhymed."

"Hey!" yelled Mentok, peeking from the door, "I heard you were hosting a vase to the face fight! Can I join?"

Phil then entered the room, who was then hit by a vase on the face, not even flinching. He then grabbed another vase and threw it at Kratos, hitting him in the face and making him a bit dazed, as it was filled with rocks.

"I am the true king of vase face off!" laughed Phil, "HAHAAAA, dramatic turn point! I have tried to enter Linkara's room, he has my shed keys, but he isn't answering, maybe he didn't accept my love letter…"

"Have yo tried talking to that walking mass of muscle Broly?" asked Mentok.

"He has disappeared, like the wind!" announced Phil, "He likes to hide, like the wind.""I have a bad feeling about this, Squidward! My jedI senses are off the charts!" growled Kratos, determined as hell, "Let's investigate!"

"Pass," I quickly replied, but I was grabbed by the tentacle and dragged across the hallway by Kratos, king of muscle-heads.

We all quickly ran to the front door of Linkara, internet reviewer, Mentok knocking wildly on the door.

"Linkara! Answer! Now!" yelled Mentok, "Look, Phil didn't mean it, no homo!"

"I only gave out my brotherly looooove!" cooed Phil.

He turned to us, with a dramatic glare, saying "We have to break down the door! We need something hard and squishy!"

"Okay!" growled Kratos, grabbing me and throwing me at the door, I didn't go in, just impacted on the surface.

"Let me have another try!" growled Kratos, he then grabbed my broken body again and threw me at the door, this time, I went through.

What I saw, was something horrific. It was the dead body of Linkara, his eyes wide open, a knife in his chest, the words "FUCK PIG" on the wall written in feces, and Not Killer Croc in the corner with a dinner knife and fork.

"…I know what this looks like," reassured Not Killer Croc quickly.

This can't be happening to me…I'M A FUCKING CHILDREN'S SHOW CHARACTER!

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: DUM DUM DUUUUUUUUM!<strong>

**Who murdered Linkara? Was it Not Killer Croc, who is so obviously not Killer Croc.**

**Was it Squidward? Was it the Nostalgia Critic? Was it the author of this story?**

**Or maybe it was YOU!**

…

…

…

**I just blew your mind, huh…Joe.**


	11. Arkham Asylum Syndrome Part 3

**The Banana Slug: I have attempted to switch my fanfic to Haruhi Suzumiya only, as no one enters X-Overs, but I have accidentally made a mistakey, I am now only registered as….X-OVERS!**

**I am now in Hell, I welcome you to the next chapter as we determine who the fuck killed Linkara, a beloved internet reviewer, who died, last chapter.**

* * *

><p><strong>Arkham Asylum Syndrome Part 3<strong>

**By the Banana Slug**

**AKA …Wait.**

* * *

><p>On the last chapter, of the Melancholy of Kratos, we were sucked into Hell, fighting against Darkorath, who returned from Hades to fight us with a legion of Billy Goat Dragons.<p>

It turned out I was the descendent of Howard Moon, and had to fight against the evil Darkorath as he turned Dalek Yuki into Yuki Nagato, and there were a great rubbing of parts.

Kratos died.

Azula found out that Zuko was not her brother, and slept with him, only to find out that he really IS her brother, she didn't care.

Kratos came back.

And now, the exciting conclusion of the two-parter…wait, none of that happened, must have gone into a mental relapse after seeing Linkara's dead body…wait…

* * *

><p>We all looked at the dead reviewer's body, lying there with a knife in his chest. We all stood still, watching him, staring, looking, keeping an eye on him…<p>

"Get on with it!" shouted the author, the Banana Slug.

Sorry. Kratos then rushed to Linkara and kicked him in the stomach. Phil then rushed over and grabbed Kratos' shoulder.

"No!" yelled Phil, with a long silence, then yelling, "Do it like this!" as he stomped on Linkara's body instead.

He stomped on his for a whole ten minutes, he then turned to us and said with a smile, "HAHAAA! He's dead!"

Dalek Yuki turned to Azula, then screaming, "SLEEEEEEEP!" as she zapped her with a laser beam, Azula screamed as she was knocked unconscious.

"What the fuck, Dalek Yuki?" yelled Mentok angrily, waving his arms around.

"I AM THE ALPHA BITCH HEEEERE!" screamed Dalek Yuki.

I looked at the body, not seeing it move at all. Maybe it blinked, but I wasn't sure, I was kind of drunk.

I looked at Dalek Yuki, she grabbed the door, but saw me looking at her, she then closed it, looking at me during the whole thing. I saw what you did there.

"Alright, micro-brains!" announced Mentok proudly, "We have a murder mystery on our hands, and not the fake kind, the real kind! The door was locked, the windows were locked, and strangely, he was not raped. So, this isn't lust murder, my guess, it is, an honor murder!"

"But who did it?" interrogated Not Killer Croc, quickly hiding his blood-stained hands.

"Well, it wasn't a woman, as women are a fragile and weak animal!" replied Mentok, sexist, he then continued, "So, if we all are here right now, then it must be Broly, as he is nowhere in sight!"

"Are you sure?" I asked, quickly darting my eyes to Not Killer Croc, as a sign to Mentok, then back.

"Pretty sure!" replied Mentok proudly, "But that raises one question, how did he enter the room, commit the murder, and leave the scene when the door and windows were locked?"

I darted my eyes to Not Killer Croc…again…MENTOK! You have mind powers! Read my mind! You barnacle-head!

* * *

><p>Me, Kratos, Dalek Yuki, and Heavy sat on the bed in my room as Azula laid on the bed, her wounds slowly healing…really slowly.<p>

"BROTHER!" yelled Heavy, "What is going on? Why is everything bad!"

"Somebody brutally killed Linkara and is probably going to kill us," I replied blankly.

"Oh," he replied, then started to cry loudly, "WAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Kratos then got up and turned to me, saying, "Squidward, we need to talk."

"Fuck!" I said in my mind. I followed him out the door, Kratos then turned to Dalek Yuki.

"Yuki, open the door for no one, except if it is my pizza, I ordered two hours ago," ordered Kratos.

"PIZZAAAAAAA!" screamed Dalek Yuki quickly as Kratos closed the door.

I leaned against the door as Kratos looked out the window, he then said, in a stern voice, "I saw death, once again. Sure, I see it all the time, but sometimes, I can get sick of it. Sometimes it costs me much heart-ache, like when…my own family was murdered…by my own hands…"

Damn, that's deep.

"But what is more important in life?" rhetorically asked Kratos, then revealing the answer, "Me. All me. Everything about me."

Well, that was…what's the word…selfish.

Kratos then walked away, then he turned and said, "Y'know, I remembered Azula saying something to me the other day…"

"Oh?" I replied with a raised eyebrow.

"She told me that while we were playing on the beach, where my balls fell out of my Speedo…"

"Don't remind me."

"…She told me she saw Linkara and Broly having an argument, Broly then roared at him and crashed through a glass door. I also remembered that when I needed to go and take a number 2, I saw him talking to someone over the phone. He said he wanted a passport to Latveria, and that is all I have to say about that."

"But how did he get in and out?" I asked curiously, "If he did do it, how did he enter and escaped with the locked doors and windows?"

"We have to investigate, Squidward!" yelled Kratos, "Only Broly could have murdered Linkara!"

Yeah, only Broly, and not Not Killer Croc.

* * *

><p>"I am sorry, but you shall not pass," Phil told us when we attempted to investigate the room, "HAHAAA! Gandalf phrase!"<p>

"Why!" yelled Kratos.

"The Batman told me through telekinesis to not let anyone in, or they might bring their germs into the room and he is very agoraphobic!" Who knew!

"When will the Batman get here?" I asked.

"Tomorrow, when the storm goes back to sleep in Hades," replied Phil with a smile. I looked at the room, I saw Linkara's body…yep, I saw it.

"How would you say Linkara and Broly's behavior to each other was like?" I interrogated Phil.

"Linkara wanted the prisoners to be treated like the psychopaths they are, but Broly disagreed, saying he wanted them to be treated like radishes and carrots," replied Phil suspiciously, "But that is all I know, Rukia and I were only hired just two chapters ago."

"Two chapters?" I asked.

"Yep," replied Phil quickly, smiling at us.

This…doesn't…seem…kosher…

* * *

><p>As Kratos and I walked down the hallway, I then looked at him and said, "You know, last night I thought I saw Not Killer Croc's face fall off, and I looked at the escaped inmates list and saw that a certain Waylon Jones escaped…AKA Killer Croc."<p>

"Squidward, his name is not Killer Croc, it's Not Killer Croc!" groaned Kratos.

"…You lost me," I replied, I then shook my head and argued, "Look, but what about the fact that Not Killer Croc could possibly be an alias!"

"…You have a point," replied Kratos grimly.

"I do?" a confused me let out.

"Yes, we will interrogate him…after we see if Broly did it!" growled Kratos. Great, after Not Killer Croc kills us, then we'll interrogate him!

We then got to the main hallway, seeing Mentok on the first floor. "Hey, did you see Broly?" yelled out Kratos.

"No," replied Mentok simplistically.

"Oh," grunted Kratos.

"I think I saw him leave an hour ago," let out Rukia from the first floor, "He left in a hurry."

"And you didn't stop him!" yelled Mentok.

"Hey, he's a Legendary Super Saiyan, and I'm a slightly-pissed off unseated soul reaper, who do you think will win!" yelled Rukia.

"…Good point!" replied Mentok.

"Oh no, the boats!" yelled Kratos as he ran down the stairs and through the door with my arm clutched in his fist.

* * *

><p>We ran out into the storm and walked to the cliff. It would be a shame if I fell off and fell onto the sharp rocks, cracking my "skull" in, but when I am with Kratos, I am dead.<p>

"He took the boat!" yelled Kratos, pointing out the obvious.

"Why didn't he fly?" I asked.

"Because!" yelled Kratos, then pausing, thinking of an answer.

Boy, grey skies, black seas, this is just like…no, Kratos' closed space is red with blood everywhere, really cool stuff, wish there was a picture of it…sadly, there is not!

"Squidward!" yelled Kratos, pointing at the cliffs, "I saw someone, it might be the murderer! Let's kill him!"

He then ran with my arm still clutched in his fist, running and running and running and jogging and running to the cliffs. And skipping! For short while.

We then climbed up the cliffs, that is a man's way of climbing cliffs. I was holding onto Kratos like a Koala, as he climbed up the cliffs like Chuck Norris.

"Are you sure you saw someone up here?" I yelled out.

"Yes, in fact, I think I see him now!" yelled Kratos, we then heard an ear-shattering sound as the figure stepped on Kratos' fingers and kicked him in the face, sending us plummeting down the cliff onto another cliff. Oh, how I remember that sound…

It said…

"SCIENCE!"

* * *

><p>Kratos laid on top of me as we were unconscious together, he then opened his eyes and let out a gasp, then saying, "We are dead, right?"<p>

"No," I let out weakly, coming to as well.

We both got up and looked straight up the cliff, then Kratos yelled, "Who did that!"

"I don't know, Bill Nye?" I replied jerkassishly.

It's a good thing we found a warm interestingly-shaped slit-like cave to hide ourselves from the storm, we also found Dr. Curt Banner in their, the mixture of Dr. Curt Connors and Dr. Bruce Banner, creating the Hulk-Lizard! He gave us tea.

"You know, Squidward," let out Kratos, as he undressed himself in front of me, drying his clothes, "I think something is up."

"Yeah," I replied, as I undressed myself in front of him, drying my clothes, "What is it?"

"When I stomped on Linkara, I swear I heard a groan or two, do dead bodies groan?" asked Kratos, drying his clothes.

"No, they do not," I replied, drying my clothes, "That means he died soon after we got there."

"And I am starting to think that Broly didn't kill Linkara," revealed Kratos, drying my clothes, "But someone else, someone in the room with him…and us!"

"I've been trying to tell people, it was Not Killer Croc!" I insisted, drying his clothes, "He is not Not Killer Croc, he's Killer Croc."

"Seems like farfetched hunch, but it now seems possible," replied Kratos, putting on his clothes.

"Possible, it's definite!" I argued, putting on my clothes.

"Wait, I think I knew how it went down," revealed Kratos cryptically.

"Mhm?" I asked, worried and hesitant to hear.

"Well, Linkara wanted to treat the patients like psychopaths, and I heard of Killer Croc's living arrangements, stuck in a sewer with a metal shock collar, and I think he had enough. So, Killer Croc found a way to escape and killed a nerdy card-playing kid to sneak back into Arkham Asylum undetected and get revenge. See? Linkara DID know Killer Croc, but didn't recognize him!"

"That and the fact Linkara is a comic book nerd."

"Shut up. Now, here is the scary part. He must have been hired by Broly to murder Linkara, as you see, if he dies, Broly get's the asylum and can run it how he wants, but if Broly did it, he would be in deep dog-shit. So, Killer Croc, disguised as Not Killer Croc, entered his room, and stabbed the knife into Linkara's chest, but it didn't go in all the way, the comic was so full of crap it didn't go in! Killer Croc thought he did murder him and proceeded to clean up, creating the blood in his hands. But, Linkara came to and ran for the door, but Killer Croc saw this and shoved him at the door, slamming the knife into him and sending back on the ground. Killer Croc then locked the door and was about to escape when we came around and found the body."

"Well, that is a good theory," I replied, "But we still would have heard a struggle, and if he did slam into the door, we would have heard it, and due to Killer Croc's humongasaur size, he would have broke down the door."

"Dammit!" yelled Kratos.

We then saw Mentok's head appear from the back of the cave, he then glared and said, "What the hell are you two doing here?"

"We got stuck," I replied sheepishly.

"Get out, this is sacred land!" yelled Mentok. We then looked to see a bunch of pissed-off rock people.

* * *

><p>After I cleaned up in the bathroom, I continued to walk down the hallway, thinking of Kratos' theory. It was pretty spot on, but everything was a little mangled up. We would have definitely heard Not Killer Croc…oh fuck it, we would have heard Killer Croc stomping around the house, and the murder would really cause a hell of a noise.<p>

I then saw Heavy sneaking into the kitchen, trying to steal a sandwich. I then hit him over the head with a ladle and he cried out in pain.

"SQUIDWARDS A SPY!" yelled Heavy.

"You call that sneaking around!" I yelled, "You can't even break a spine right!"

"Sorry," sighed Rukia as she walked into the room, "I'll bring in your food, I was just crying in the corner because I was in another of this freak's fanfics."

"Oh, shut up!" I yelled, she then was shocked and looked down sadly. I then looked at one of the plates and saw it's food was already eaten, with a bite mark on the plate.

"Oh, right, Not Killer Croc was hungry and hadn't eaten all day, so I gave him some food to eat," replied Rukia with a smile.

"Do you know where Not Killer Croc is?" I interrogated.

"Beats me, probably smoking a joint!" replied Rukia quickly and blankly. Never thought Rukia would say something like that.

* * *

><p>"You always find some way to annoy me, huh?" I growled at Heavy.<p>

"YAH!" roared Heavy.

We then saw Kratos and Mentok at the door to my room, where Yuki was at. Kratos was banging on the door as Mentok watched while eating some popcorn.

"Yuki, open the door!" yelled Kratos.

"NOOOO!" screamed Dalek Yuki.

"Yuki, you better not be eating my pizza!" roared Kratos, slamming his fist at the door.

"THIS IS DELICIOUS PIZZAAAA!" screamed Dalek Yuki.

"I will murder you!" roared Kratos, "I am the God of War!"

"YOU THE GOD OF SUCKING!" screamed Dalek Yuki, "THIS IS MY STUFFED CRUST EXTRA CHEESE PIZZA!"

I then walked to the door and said, "We got the breadsticks."

There was a silence, the door then unlocked itself and revealed a Dalek Yuki, eating pizza. How she was eating pizza, I will not tell.

"You're so lucky there is more left over!" growled Kratos as he shoved Dalek Yuki out of the way.

"WHERE AE MY FUCKING BREADSTICKS!" screamed Dalek Yuki.

"So, Kratos, still wanna solve the mystery?" asked Mentok.

"It's boring!" yelled Kratos, "I wanna go to bed!"

"Alright, I guess I'll solve it myself," I groaned.

"Good luck with that," Kratos said plainly as he slammed the door on me and Mentok's faces.

Jerk.

* * *

><p>"So, you almost figured it out, eh?" interrogated Mentok as we both sat in his room.<p>

"Yeah, apparently," I sighed.

"I heard everything, wanna hear my version of the story?" asked Mentok.

"You could figure everything out by mind-taking, you fruit!" I yelled.

"Yeah, but it ain't fun anymore!" sighed Mentok, "I know everything, nothing surprises me anymore."

"Alright, I'm all ears!" I groaned.

"Well, I can't say for sure Broly hired Killer Croc or not, but I do believe he did kill him. I think Killer Croc as Not Killer Croc entered the room and locked it, making sure escape was impossible. Somehow, despite his bulky size, he silently and quickly stabbed Linkara in the chest with the knife. Then he decided to clean up the blood, but as it didn't go in, Linkara didn't die. He then heard us knocking, he then attempted to escape from Killer Croc and go for help, dazed and wobbly, he then unlocked the door, and then…"

I looked at him in a confused and horrified manner, looking at him as he looked at me so calmly with that smug smile. "Are you saying that…"

"Corrrrrect, Squidward," replied Mentok happily, "You killed Linkara when Kratos threw you, helping the criminal do his job! That is the reason Kratos doesn't want to go through, he's protecting your blue ass, Squiddy-my-boy!"

I then looked at him, with dead eyes, watching him. "Since you found out, I can't let you know, I can't let you tell anyone, I have to silence you...forever…"

Mentok kept on smiling, looking at me, then his expression turned to horror and said, "…HUH!"

I then screamed and jumped on him as I flailed my tentacles at his face, laughing manically. He screamed and cried as this happened, his face bruised.

I then began to strangle him, watching his tear-soaked eyes look into my wide veined eyes of a madman…

* * *

><p>As Phil watched over the room, Heavy then ran to him with a frightened expression, completely terrified.<p>

"Someone murdered Mentok!" screamed Heavy, "Blood everywhere, SO MUCH BLOOD! Like spaghetti!"

"NOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Phil, with his arms in the sky, "He knew where my lunchbox was!"

"Come quick, it's ready!" yelled Heavy, he then ran as Phil followed him down the hall. How do I know this, because I was watching, from behind a door, because I killed Mentok!

I exited my hiding place and creeped into Linkara's room, seeing his dead body on the ground, eyes still open.

As I stared at the body, Kratos entered the room, looking at the body as well. "Who knew you could turn into a psychopath," he said in a monotone voice.

"Yeah, and I want more," I hissed, smiling like a madman, "I want more blood."

"Trust me, you'll get it," growled Kratos.

"Now, let's have turns raping Linkara's body!" hissed Squidward.

"Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! I'm not dead!" screamed Linkara, quickly getting up.

"AHAAA!" I yelled, pointing at him, "I knew it!"

Linkara sighed and groaned, "Thanks a lot, I was trying to fake my death long enough for the Bat to get to me so I could tell him what was really going on, but thanks to you meddling kids and your dumb Dalek, I failed!"

Mentok then burst through the door, covered in blood and with multiple stab wounds, breathing wildly. "You bastard, just to figure out what was going on!"

"Hey, it worked!" I argued, "I found out that this was just a game that you guys played just to keep Kratos happy, meaning Broly and Not Killer Croc were all just in on it all as well, meaning it is just like the original episode…right?"

The room was silent, Mentok was looking around suspiciously, and then Linkara sighed and said, "We need to talk."

* * *

><p>We all sat at in the dining room, with everyone there, including Broly and Not Killer Croc, all sitting at the main table.<p>

I looked out the window, still standing and I walked over and said, "I have now found out the full story, thanks to Linkara's full confession, if you will."

"Thank you," replied Linkara, then getting up and revealing as he circled the table, "You see, I was attacked alright, I was working in my room, writing the script for my next review, when I heard a knock on the door. Foolishly, I opened it to reveal Not Killer Croc, who I still had no idea who it was, until he removed the skin-mask of Yami Yugi from his face, revealing the dreaded Killer Croc!"

"Damn!" growled Not Killer Croc, slamming the table, ripping off the mask and throwing it at Dalek Yuki's eyepiece, flailing around trying to get it off, "I was so close!"

"And to think we baked cupcakes together!" scorned Phil angrily, he then yelled, pointing at Killer Croc, "YOU'RE DEAD TO ME, CROC! HAHAAA, old running gag!"

"May I continue!" sternly interrupted Linkara, then proceeding to continue, "He still needed to escape, so he had to kill me with a knife, to not raise suspicion to himself, as he is known to kill people by mauling and ripping them apart. So, he stabbed me and proceeded to clean up all the blood on the floor…"

"What about the words, "Fuck Pig" on the wall written in feces?" asked Mentok.

"Oh, it was always there, actually," replied Linkara quickly, he then continued to go on with his investigation, "Luckily, the Youngblood comic was so full of bologna that I was able to survive, barely. I then faked my death long enough for you guys to find my 'supposedly' dead body, but like a bunch of idiots, you jumped to conclusions, and then stomped on me! It would've been nice to check my pulse, but you didn't…why!"

"That's how I always check pulses!" replied Phil happily.

"Whatever, now, I already told you all about the scenario, but let me tell you things you would have never found out! Like the fact Killer Croc was NOT, and I repeat, NOT hired by Broly. The truth of the matter is the fact that Broly is a huge fan of me, but hated the fact that I do not curse at all during my shows, and wanted me to change, I told him to get lost, and he did. He was going to live in Latveria, take up lounge dancing, and marry a nice Latverian woman."

"Yep," replied Broly happily, sporting a big dumb smile.

"So, who hired Killer Croc to murder you?" asked Azula.

"Who?" asked Kratos.

"Who?" asked Rukia.

"Who?" asked Phil.

"GET THIS THING OFFA MEEEEE!" screamed Dalek Yuki as she continued to try and pull the face of Yugi off of her.

"I will not tell, but I will show!" announced Linkara, who then pulled out Killer Croc's cell phone which we didn't know he had until now, calling a number and putting into his ear.

We then heard the door open, we all turned to see, and saw the culprit with a phone at his ear. He wore a long white lab coat, had wild hair, hypno-goggles, and looked all together insane.

"Hello? Croc! Did you kill Linkara!" he yelled into the phone, he then saw everyone at the table and said, "Oh, poop!"

"Yes, it was my nemesis, Dr. Insano!" announced Linkara, pointing at him.

"Oh, damn it all!" screamed Dr. Insano, "How did you figure it out!"

"He saved your number," announced Linkara casually.

"Oh, what kind of assassin are you!" Dr. Insano scolded Killer Croc.

"Sorry," growled Killer Croc.

"You see, Squidward and Kratos nearly got to Dr. Insano, who was nearby so that he could collect my body and harvest my DNA for an army of Linkara clones, but he attempted to get rid of you, but failed, and now, the jig is up, Dr. Insano!"

"You may have defeated me, Linkara, but you have not won…against SCIEEEENCE!" screamed Dr. Insano. He then pulled out a laser and aimed it at Linkara's heart.

"What are you doing, you failed, plus a crazy Spartan and his friends will totally own you if you try something!" argued Linkara.

"Maybe, but at least you will die! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!" insanely laughed Dr. Insano, he prepared to fire the gun, and then Dalek Yuki finally threw off the face, landing on Dr. Insano's face. He screamed as he pressed the skin against his face, wildly thrashing around. Kratos then jumped at him and tackled him onto the ground, knocking him unconscious.

Linkara walked over to Kratos as he got up and patted his back, saying "Thanks"

"No problem," he growled, looking at Dr. Insano's unconscious body. Well, that was different from the original source!

* * *

><p>"So, who was that Dr. Insano guy anyway?" I asked Mentok as we watched the island from the ship.<p>

"A nutjob trying to take over the world," replied Mentok simply.

"Of course," I answered silently. Mentok then began to stare at a mole on my neck, staring and staring, until he reached out and ripped the mole from my neck, blood and pus squirting out.

"GAAAAAH!" I screamed, holding the wound, "You're problem!"

"Sorry, moles scare me," replied Mentok, holding the mole.

* * *

><p>Somewhere, on the ship, Dr. Insano was being kept in the storage room, he then grabbed his cell phone and released a call on speaker, after a few rings, it finally answered.<p>

"Did you succeed with your mission?" asked a voice.

"No, I am sorry, I was defeated by the face of a kid who play's card games," revealed an embarrassed Dr. Insano.

"I see," sighed the voice, "My employer will not be happy with this."

"Wait, why didn't the man who employed you employ me?" asked Dr. Insano.

"Silence, the employer does not want to be known!" yelled the voice, making Dr. Insano flinch, "He will reveal himself soon enough, but in the meantime, you will stay in your cell, waiting for imprisonment! Understand?"

"Yes, sir, but I would like a second chance!" whimpered Dr. Insano.

"You will…you will," hissed the voice, then saying, "I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember so you don't have to…um…you didn't hear that…"

"Wait?" let out Dr. Insano, "Nostalgia Critic?"

"Um, no," replied the Nostalgia Critic.

"You want Linkara dead?" asked a confused Dr. Insano, "Why?"

"Well, actually, I don't want Linkara to die, in fact you did your job, it was to actually keep Kratos busy, the imployer knew you'd fail, but decided not to tell you."

"…HUH!" emoted Dr. Insano.

"He offered me a truckload of Klondike Bars for the job and he assured me that Linkara would not be harmed," revealed the Nostalgia Critic, "So…yeah…"

"…That's insane!" yelled Dr. Insano.

"Don't be hypocritical, you'd do that too!" argued Nostalgia Critic.

"Well, yes…but…" let out Dr. Insano.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, I don't need to take shit from you, I have to review a bad movie!" yelled Nostalgia Critic, hanging up on him, leaving an utterly confused Dr. Insano.

How do I know this, because I am not Squidward Tentacles, for I have taken his ability to narrate from him, I am Darkorath! Ruler of Twenty-One Dimensions! Father of all Psychlos! King of all Orcadactyls! I am also the one who hired the Critic to distract the fools, and soon, I will drink their souls from my Cup of Darkness! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: Confused? So am I.<strong>

**Well, the next is Endless Eight, I implore my non-existent readers to read on, trust me, I know what I am doing…sometimes…not all the time…but MOST of the time…fuck it, just read the Endless Eight chapters, for Feet's sake!**


	12. Endless Eight I

**The Banana Slug: …**

…

…**It's time…**

* * *

><p><strong>The Melancholy of Kratos<strong>

**By The Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 12: Endless Eight Part 1**

**AKA …It's time…**

* * *

><p>It was the sixteenth of August, and the beginning of a repetitive episode arc that will go down in history as a huge what-the-fuck moment of all of the series.<p>

I was watching baseball and, oh look, it's Red Skull and his team, it seems he is losing to Captain America and his X-Men…how ironic…am I just narrating because I'm bored?

And then, the phone rang, my cell phone to be accurate, not the home phone…wait, where are my parents?

I looked at my phone, oh great, it's Kratos. Swell. I answered it to be greeted with, "MEET ME IN FRONT OF THE STATION! DON'T BE LATE!"

My eardrums gave a ringing noise afterwards. Damn it all, Kratos, keep on telling me to do shit and I'll say, NO MORE! And then hide in Bolivia.

The phone rang again, I was hesitant to answer it, as it was Kratos again, I listened to hear Kratos say, "Also, bring your swim trunks and your bike."

Well, that was nice of him to not yell at me through the phone! "AND BRING MONEY!" See how I put four exclamation points there, it was really loud.

What was all that about, is what I thought as Heavy looked at me, smiling like a moron.

"Oh well," I sighed as I got up and went to my room to get me swim trunks, hearing the cheering from Red Skull totally losing out there, beaten terribly by Captain America…sucks to be Red Skull right now.

As I was gone, a humanoid puppet appeared on the screen, looked at Heavy as it looked at him, hissing, "Get over here and TOUCH IT!"

Heavy screamed and threw the couch at the television screen, breaking it. "AAHAHAHAHAAAA! SOILED DIAPER!"

* * *

><p>I rode my bike past a raging pack of Velociraptors to the station, where Kratos wanted to meet me. He then yelled, "PENALTY!" and promptly beheaded me…I was revived because of Mentok, of course.<p>

"Your welcome!"

I then walked to Kratos, who was hotwiring a Lamborghini. "So, where are we going?"

"Public pool, fuck-face!" yelled Kratos, "We only got a little while as summer vacation draws a close, and then, guess what, BACK TO SCHOOL!"

"Okay?" was all I could reply.

"So, we are going to the beach to have some fucking good time, understand?" growled Kratos.

"Yes, master," I said sarcastically.

I got in the hotwired car along with everyone else, driving away from an angry little man. Midgets are funny.

"Squidward! gasped Mentok

* * *

><p>We finally arrived at the public pool, seeing many different people there besides us. We all got in our swimming gear, Kratos began to sniff the air.<p>

"Smell that, that's the smell of Pinesol!" growled Kratos with a smile, "It's the smell of summer!"

He grabbed Azula's arm and Dalek Yuki's plunger, jumping into the water with both of them. Me and Mentok just stared at them as we stood next to the "NO DIVING" sign. Seriously, those signs save lives, ass-holes!

"Come on in!" yelled Kratos, "The water is warm!"

"I PEE-PEEEEED!" screamed Dalek Yuki, which was followed by everyone swimming away from her.

"It's nice seeing Kratos do things that don't involve killing people," gleefully chimed Mentok, "Less work for me!"

"Are you kidding?" I reminded, "He stole a car!"

"At least no one died!" replied Mentok happily, waving his arms around, "Booweeoop."

"Yet!" I reminded loudly, "Yet, you mean!"

"Oh, get that stick out of your buns!" argued Mentok playfully, "Nothing has happened since last chapter, which was MONTHS ago! So, think of it, everything is peaceful with the world, nothing could go wrong, promise!"

Kratos then rose from the water, along with Dalek Yuki and Azula, who walked towards us, Azula holding a basket. "Okay, lunchtime, Azula made us Miltank-Burgers!"

"Murderers!" yelled a man from far away in a fedora and trench coat, "Muuuurderers!"

"Ignore him," groaned Kratos, "He's just hungry."

We all sat down and ate our burgers, ignoring the rants of the trench coat-wearing cameo. I had mine with mustard and cheese. They were good, but they were no Krabby Patties.

Things were peaceful, I can say that, it was incredibly peaceful…too peaceful. Then a ball hit our blanket, nothing was harmed, it bounced right past us.

"We're sorry!" called out two girls.

"YOU WILL BE NOOOOWWW!" roared Kratos. I cannot describe what happened next, but, oh the humanity, was it bloody and gory.

Despite what happened to those little girls, this was a perfect way to celebrate summer.

* * *

><p>We met later at a restaurant, when the sun was orange and setting. Kratos slapped onto the table a paper with a list written on it.<p>

"What is this, the bill?" I asked sarcastically, "HEEEH HEH HEH HEEEH."

"Shut up, Squidward, we will be doing this shit all summer long!" announced Kratos, "We only have a little time left for summer vacation, if only we lived in America were they care not about education. It's the land of the free. Free-LOADERS! So, we need to do all the stuff on the list before time runs out!"

"Let me see," replied Mentok, reading the list, "O-Ban Festival, part-time jobs, cicida catching, destroying the world…how about we skip that one for next summer."

"Fine!" growled Kratos, putting his arms together.

"How the barnacle are we going to finish this all in time?" I interrogated angrily.

"Sheer willpower!" announced Kratos.

"Bullshit!" I called out.

"Stop being an ass, Squidward!" yelled Kratos, "We're doing this whether you like it or not!" And…I can actually handle it. I just like to stay as my jerk self because that's my shtick and I'm sticking with it.

After paying for our 10000 yen dinner, we left and would meet up again, the next day…and the next day…

* * *

><p>The next day, Kratos woke me up from my beautiful dream, telling me he found a festival for all of us to go to, oh swell, next he'll tell me we're buying Viking costumes, saying he doesn't care for tradition and just wants to look savage.<p>

Kratos, Azula, and Dalek Yuki then went into the changing rooms to put on their Viking costumes. After getting strange looks by a passing by homeless man, Kratos and the others came out wearing their Viking costumes, and you thought Kratos was badass looking before!

"TOO THE FESTIVAL!" roared Kratos, "WE WILL TEAR IT A NEW ONE!"

…HUH!

* * *

><p>We all entered the festival, strangely, Kratos didn't start hacking and slashing everything apart…am I in Bizarro World!<p>

"Azula, let's go catch a fish!" growled Kratos with an insane smile, "And eat it!"

"Um, okay, even though I never mentioned it, sure," replied a confused Azula, they both then ran to the fish place.

"Hey, we can eat fish too if you want, we'll make it a game!" Mentok said happily.

"Sure, let's make a game of eating what could be my friends!" I rejected.

"Just saying," sighed Mentok, then adding quickly and silently, "Jerk."

"I WANT A MAAAAASK!" screamed Dalek Yuki, hovering over to the stand. She attempted to put one on her stalk, but it kept on falling off, "DAAAAAMN!"

"Here, let me help!" I said, I then duct taped the blue alien mask to the side of her shell.

"I FEEL PRETTYYYYY!" screamed Dalek Yuki. You sure are…

Later we met up with Kratos and Azula once again, Kratos announced loudly, "I ATE TEN FISH!"

"I ate one," replied Azula quietly, "It was disgusting."

We then decided to do some other fun things around the festival, like shooting small stuff for toys, grabbing water balloons with string, eating cotton candy, and killed a guy. It was fun.

We then lit fireworks after wards, hell, I even rode a bike and shot fireworks from the back of it. We even lit a nuclear bomb. It was really fun!

Even with the deaths of millions of people, I still had fun. Offensive fun, but still, fun. Maybe catching insects would be fun too! Fun, fun, fun…wait, butterflies are bugs, right? If you saw the episode, "Wormy", you'd know why am now dreading tomorrow.

* * *

><p>I preformed a legit Native American rain dance last night, hoping for rain, but I must have missed a step or two, as it was warm and sunny the next day.<p>

We went out to catch some cicadas, how grand…we get to catch a bunch of creepy pests. I am having no fun already.

"I want to eat one!" growled Kratos. Why?

"I will fry it in batter, just like how Gordon Ramsey would!" growled Kratos. No he wouldn't. He'd curse you out before he would.

"Alright, the one who catches the most cicadas…won't die!" announced Kratos. We all then decided…catching bugs would PROBABLY be a good thing.

Dalek Yuki caught a bug from Klandaathu, then promptly killed it. In the end, Azula caught one, Dalek Yuki caught none, Mentok caught three, I caught twenty-seven, and Kratos caught five-hundred.

"I have decided to spare your lives!" yelled Kratos, "Because I want to kill you, another day!"

Kratos then did the right thing and let the cicadas go, flying into the mountain to return to their friends and family…would be something I would like to say, but instead, he ate them all in one sitting.

Gross.

* * *

><p>The next day, Kratos got us all part-time jobs at a strip-club. Yes, I said strip club. I eff you not.<p>

Azula did a good job, yet who couldn't blame her, she's the hot fiery Juniper flower of the Fire Nation.

Mentok was very popular with the ladies in his sailor suit, must be the goatee. Chicks dig the goatee.

Dalek Yuki was popular with the fat people, mainly because they kept on mistaking her for the trashcan.

Me? Well, I was forced to go out in the club floors and keep on yelling, "Daaaaance! Anyone want a daaaaaaance!"

Kratos was just talking to the manager, if he gets paid more, I am going to fucking kill everyone in this whole fanfic! If you don't believe I will, check the last chapter!

We all then waited in the dressing room for Kratos to show up, which he did. Finally!

"Alright, you did an awesome job, bitches!" announced Kratos happily.

"So, how much do we get?" I asked.

"He gave us a mountain of crack," replied Kratos, "All ours!"

We all sighed in discomfort, we all prefer grass. But you know what, I learned something today, it is weird to have no one cum on you.

* * *

><p>The next day, we decided to go star gazing…and it's till weird not having…Never mind. Mentok had a large telescope for all of us to share…I hate sharing.<p>

"The telescopes are different in your time than mine," let out Azula.

"Sorry, we make ours out of steel and glass, not dung and mud," I replied.

"…Go to hell," growled Azula.

"Hey, I found Mars!" yelled out Mentok, who was looking into the telescope. Kratos and I looked into it and saw the red planet, and I thought I saw a figure on the surface. It looked black, had green armor, and had piercing white eyes. He looked like he was pressing a button, but was suddenly disappointed, as if he was expecting an earth-shattering kaboom.

"I bet the Martians were wiped out by demons," growled Kratos.

"I agree," I quickly replied.

* * *

><p>And then the next day, Kratos made us visit at the station again, announcing as he crushed a bug with a bat, "Alright, I saw a baseball show, and now, we are going to hit baseballs over and over again with our bats!"<p>

"And if you make me sound gay again!" threatened Mentok to me, holding a knife at my throat.

"Alright, alright, stop getting so pissed off!" I groaned.

Mentok then glared at me and nodded, floating away.

Later, we went into the Sport's Dome, were we were pelted with balls, over and over again, the balls coming and coming and GROW UP!

We hit some of the baseballs, hitting back to the fence, even though Azula kept on getting hit by the large and round balls…no correction there.

As I watched Kratos hit baseball after baseball, I wonder, where does he get his energy. Krypton? People's souls? Those red orbs you find after you kill those monster's in his game?

He then hit the baseball at large target chained up at the ceiling, causing it to fall down and killed a puppy.

We got banned…for life. I don't see why we were punished, it was their target, it was their baseball.

* * *

><p>Hey, how many paragraph breaks does this chapter have?<p>

Anyway, we went through activity after activity, we saw a buttload of fireworks, it was awesome, I think I saw a plane fall down.

We then went fishing near the stream, but we were kicked out after Kratos drowned a police officer after he accidentally snagged him and kept reeling him in, even when we begged him to stop.

We then did, what Kratos called, a Test of Courage, which was just entering through a graveyard, a simple graveyard…full of mummies! Sure, the mummies almost made Azula their bride, but Kratos dealt with undead soldiers before.

Then there was the Test of Sanity, which was watching Twilight in HD at the movie theatre. Even now, I feel like my world has been shifted, like as if, Bram Stroker's Dracula has no meaning anymore, like Blade was actually a pansy…why do women want these assholes! Skin of a killer my ass, that's the skin of a pretty pony. Damn, the Crow had more balls than you, Edward Cullen, and he was whining almost constantly about his dead girlfriend!

We went to the beach, right in the middle of Kraken season. Even so, Kratos went in anyway…at least we got to meet Davy Jones in real life, despite the wanting to take your soul part and the over-all saltiness, he's a really nice guy.

We then went bowling, but we had the unfortunate job of being the pins because of a rule by you-know-who…VOLDEMORT! Yeah, he's a real prick in real life. Go figure.

The, we sang terrible karaoke, although, Kratos' rendition of "Coming Undone" by "KoRn" was actually pretty good, it was just Dalek Yuki's version of "Friday" by "Rebecca Black" that killed the mood. At least my version of "Another Brick in the Wall" by "Pink Floyd" got a few laughs.

Despite all this, it was a really fun summer vacation, god, I had the time of my life, I always wanted to meet the Disney Version of Davy Jones, I kinda grew tired of my version.

* * *

><p>We later met at the diner, Kratos scratching off all the things we have done, biting a hamburger.<p>

"As of August 30th, we have finally done everything," revealed Kratos, and millions of people died because of you, he then continued, "But it seems so empty…like I wish we did a bit more…"

"No," I quickly added.

"Fine, Squidward," groaned Kratos, "Be that way! It's just, I feel like we don't have much time together anymore, it just seems something wicked this way comes, but altogether, I could just be spilling out shit.""Nah, even though I use to want this fanfic to end abruptly, I want it to end with a bang, a perfect finale," I revealed happily, "I just don't know how the author will do it."

"Are you saying you know respect the author?" interrogated Azula with a smile. I then strangled her and roared, "NEVAAAAAH!", then throwing her back to the seats behind us.

After we were kicked out for disturbing the peace, we all said our goodbyes and walked away to our homes.

I do mean it though, I just hope the author doesn't make this into a deadfic, that would be disrespectful for the juvenile and utterly simplistic art style of fanfiction.

* * *

><p>The next day, it was August 31st, the homework could have been finished, but I decided to just screw around, hell, it's just summer homework, who cares, I don't.<p>

As I was playing TimeSplitters with Heavy, I suddenly remembered something, I remembered me, at the cashier stand, taking orders, Spongebob annoying me from the kitchen, and Mr. Krab's yelling at me with saliva on my face. The smell of burgers was everywhere, the sweaty customers eating and eating over and over again like wild animals.

I even remember my house, my Easter Island head, with my art, my dancing…

…

…my clarinet…

"SQUIDWARD!" yelled Heavy. It seems I was frozen in thoughts, broken by Heavy's yelling, he then asked, "Is brother teammate okay?"

"Hey, Heavy, do you have…strange memories?" I asked.

"Heavy remembers fighting for team, in a fortress, with a gun named Sasha, and that I wanted to kiss Scout, and he said, 'NOOOO!' and I cried…why?"

"…No reason," and yet it was a good reason. It seems I am not alone, I too remember…who else remembers. I'll ask the others, tomorrow.

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: …<strong>

…

…

…

…**I am so sorry.**


	13. Endless Eight II

**The Banana Slug: You know what, no, I ain't gonna do it anymore!**

* * *

><p><strong>The Melancholy of Kratos<strong>

**By the Banana Slug**

**CHAPTER 13: Endless Eight Part II**

**AKA Donald Trump.**

* * *

><p>_It was the sixteenth of August, and the beginning of a repetitive episode arc that will go down in history as a huge what-the-fuck moment of all of the series.<p>

I was watching a baseball game with Red Skull and his Sentinels beating Captain America and his X-Men, looks like Nazism will win today.

And then, the phone rang, my cell phone to be accurate, not the home phone…wait, where are my parents?

I for some reason knew it was Kratos, I answered it and I heard, "Squidward! Bring swim trunks! Bike! Meet at station! NOW!"

Simplistic, I somehow knew he would call again, I answered it, I heard, "MONEY!"

Strange, I knew he wanted trunks, bike, and money, and to meet at the station. Am I actually an Esper, they did say that cephalopods are intelligent.

Maybe it was déjà vu, when you think you remember it, but you probably saw it somewhere else or you didn't but somehow convinced yourself that you did.

Summer's almost over, right?

* * *

><p>I rode my bike past a raging pack of Dilophosauruses to the station, where Kratos wanted to meet me. He then yelled, "PENALTY!" and promptly vivisected me…I was revived because of Mentok, of course.<p>

"Of course," replied Mentok. Then silently thinking to himself.

I then walked to Kratos, who was hotwiring a Prius. "Where are we going, and how are we going to fit in there?"

"We are going to the beach, dummy!" yelled Kratos, "And if clowns can do it, so can we!"

"Why?" I asked.

"I don't know, they must have bones of plastic," replied Kratos.

"Not that, why the pool?" I asked, "Is it to make sure our memories of summer last for a long time as time is pretty short?"

"Yeah, good guess," replied Kratos, looking at me, "How'd you know?"

"Guessed," I replied. Déjà vu all over again.

We all then climbed into the small blue Prius, driving away as a man with down-syndrome yelled at us. Mongoloids are funny.

"Squidward, not cool!" yelled Mentok, who then returned to his silent thinking.

* * *

><p>We finally arrived at the public pool, seeing millions of cows splashing around in the pool. We all got in our swimming gear, Kratos began to sniff the air.<p>

"Aaaaaah, that's the smell of Pinesol!" growled Kratos with a glare.

Dalek Yuki and Kratos then jumped into the pool, he then swam to the edge and yelled at us, "Get in! The water is warm! It's perfect!"

"I POO-POOOOOED!" screamed Dalek Yuki, everyone screamed and ran from the pool. Can't you see the "NO DIVING" signs, maybe my glare will tell you that you did wrong. It apparently is not working.

"It's peaceful seeing Kratos do activities other than killing people," gleefully sang Mentok, "I don't have a care in the world!"

"He stole a car, you know," I reminded

"Blah, blah, blah, whine, whine, whine!" argued Mentok playfully, "Nothing has happened since last chapter, so nothing should go wrong…wait…"

"Something wrong?" I asked.

"Nnnnno, not at all," replied Mentok with a forced smile.

For some reason, I asked this question for Mentok, at first, I said, no, I don't wanna say it, but I did, so here we go. "Hey, do you ever have…weird memories?"

"Well, come to think of it, I think I used to be a judge, but for some reason, I am a member of the Organization, but wait, I don't even remember joining the Organization, I just remembered me getting up, going to school, and running into Kratos…"

"What do you think it means?" I asked curiously.

"It means I must have _really_ got drunk the night before!" laughed Mentok.

Strange, after the poop was fished out, and everyone went swimming again, I couldn't shake the feeling like we done this before, like some asshole kept on rewinding the tape over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over again, to the point of annoyance where you have to yell, "GET ON WITH IT!" so loud that it shakes the room.

I mean, I for some reason remember us eating Miltank-burgers, but not the man in the fedora and trench coat watching us from a far, before sighing and leaving. I also remember Kratos murdering two little girls, but I don't remember the cops trying to detain him.

Then again, I don't remember Kratos throwing the beach ball at Azula so hard it broke her nose, making me laugh till I bit my tongue. HAAAH HAAH HAAAH!

Dalek Yuki just sat it out, watching from the shades, looking bored…then again, how can you tell the expression of a Dalek? Impossible!

* * *

><p>We met later at a restaurant, when the sun was orange and setting. Kratos slapped onto the table a paper with a list written on it.<p>

"What is this, the groceries?" I taunted slyly, "HEEEH HEH HEH HEEEH."

"Fuck you, Squidward, we will be doing this shit all summer long!" announced Kratos, "We only have a little time left for summer vacation, this is hard-working Japan, not free-loading America! So, we need to do all the stuff on the list before time runs out!"

"Let me see," replied Mentok, reading the list, then handing it back, looking confused.

"How the hell are we going to finish this all in two weeks?" I interrogated angrily.

"Teamwork!" announced Kratos.

"Huh?" I let out.

After being called out by Kratos, having to pay the 1000 yen bill, we all said our goodbyes and left to home, me standing around like a jackass.

I then saw Dalek Yuki hover away, I ran to her, calling her name, she turned to me and looked at me with her long stalk, staring at me as I looked like an idiot.

"Um, erm, derp, I," I let out, before saying actual words, "How are you, how's everything?"

"GEE, SQUIDWARD! IT'S NOT LIKE WE KNOW EACHOTHER ON A REGULAR BASIS!" screamed Dalek Yuki, she then paused and screamed, "YEAH, SURE, I AM FIIIIINE!"

"Oh, right," I let out sheepishly.

"…PISS OFF!" screamed Dalek Yuki as she sped away. Jesus, what's got her knickers in a fucking bunch?

* * *

><p>The next morning, I got a call from God of War Kratos, telling me he found an O-Ban Festival and we need to get Pirate costume, because he ain't no slave to the system.<p>

As we shopped for Pirate costumes, for some reason, I didn't help Azula as she was manhandled by Kratos, I just stared like an idiot at her, drooling with lust.

When we finally went to the O-Ban Festival, for some reason, it felt like I was here not long ago, even though I never went to one…ever. It just seemed so familiar, the towers, the vendors, the strange homeless man making funny faces at me.

"Come on, Azula, let's go eat a fish!" yelled Kratos.

"Sure, that sounds like fun," groaned Azula, not really meaning. As Mentok and I watched them leave, he then pressed his face onto mine and asked, "Let's scoop some fiiiish, let's make a coooontest!"

"Nope," I replied blankly.

I then walked to Dalek Yuki and asked, "Hey, Yuki, want to…"

"YEAH, YEAH, I WANT A MASK, LET'S GO!" screamed a obviously bored Dalek Yuko.

She then hovered to the mask stand, threw the money at the man, puncturing the coins in his forehead, him screaming in agony as she grabbed a red alien-like mask and hovered off. How rude.

Later, when we sat down eating one sugary sweet, Kratos smiled and looked at the stars, saying, "I ate me a fish."

"It was horrible," replied Azula, holding her stomach.

We then decided to blow up us some fireworks, we killed a man in the process, it was kind of enjoying.

Kratos checked off today and said we will now catch us some bugs, which I was suddenly reminded of Wormy, the killer butterfly…

Kratos then got up and announced the whole thing, saying the winner will get to live. Damn Kratos and his psychopathic urges, that's it, I'm dancing for rain!

* * *

><p>The day of catching cicadas was upon us, and rain, rain it never showed it's ugly head, fuck you, cloud!<p>

We caught cicadas as best as we could, but our commander and chief caught them all, saying he decided to spare our lives, if only one of us sucked him off. Azula was the one for that dirty deed, done with sheep.

Kratos then sat down and ate his cicadas all in one sitting, all three-hundred of them. Why do I find the number of cicadas ironic.

Also, why do I expect another paragraph break?

* * *

><p>The next day had us working at a strip club, the only one not popular at all was me, as I walked around in lingerie, yelling out, "DAAAAAAANCE! Does anyone want to DAAAAAAANCE!"<p>

God I hate you Kratos, I hope you get retribution in the end, I hope something really bad happens to you, I don't care if it hurts the rest of the Brigade! Hell, I don't care if it hurts me, I want you to get your come upends! Like the foreshadowing?

Afterwards, back in the locker room, Kratos barged in and high-fived us forcefully, he then yelled, "The manager is grateful of your hard work, except you, Squidward, he found you disappointing!"

"No one wanted to daaaaance," I quickly replied.

"Whatever, and our reward is…" announced Kratos, pausing for dramatic effect, then revealing "A mountain of pot!"

We sighed in disappointment, we preferred rocks. Although, I let out a "Hm?" afterwards, then quickly shutting up and looking away, I hope Mentok didn't see me, he'll make a big deal out of shit nothing!

* * *

><p>Later that night, my sleep was disturbed by my foolish phone, how dare ye awake me from thy slumber…what?<p>

I answered the phone and asked, "No."

I quickly sat up hearing Azula sobbing madly, trying to say something, except she was crying so hard I couldn't understand a goddamn thing.

"Azula! What is it!" I yelled.

"Hold on, hold on!" she cried, she then took a deep breath and yelled, "AY CANA OOS MA TAM TAVAYA DAVAAAAAAA!"

"Huh?" I let out, confused as hell.

"TAM TAVAYA DAVAAAA ENT WUK ANAMOOOR! BORGUH AR NUT HAAAALP!"

God, I hate talking to people who speak Crybaby, it's like Bikini Bottom all over again. I then heard a voice that made my testicles rise up.

"Hello, I have your daughter," Mentok cryptically said on the other line."Stop being an ass!" I yelled on the other line, "Why are you with Azula in the middle of the night?"

"We had sex," replied Mentok bluntly, "Oh, and we have a situation, get your ass over here."

Great, everyone is getting tail but me! It's high school all over…never mind. "Where?" I angrily asked.

* * *

><p>How did I get out here?<p>

I ran to the station to find Dalek Yuki, Mentok, and Azula were sitting on the porch. I ran to them and politely asked Mentok, "What the hell?"

"SQUIDWAAAHAHAHAAARD!" cried Azula, with tears and snot running down her face, no sexy cry tonight, "I can't go back to the future! The Borgs have abandoned me!"

Mentok ate a chip from the ground and said, "Yep, that's what happened."

"Okay," I let out in confusion, "Explain Mentok, quickly and the best you can."

"Easily, micro-brain," replied Mentok happily, "We're stuck in a time-loop, over and over again, reliving the period of August 15th to September 1st, like someone keeps on rewinding the tape!"

Keep smiling, jackass, the world is just stealing from Groundhog's Day! No biggie!

"You see, I talked to Azula, after we had hot sex, that something seemed iffy, so she attempted to go back in time, but the DeLorean would not work, not because of fuel, but because of the time loop."

"Next time, call me when you have a word with her!" I yelled.

"Before or after we have sex?" taunted Mentok.

"…So what is the problem?" I sighed in anger.

"We are trapped, in a time loop, didn't you hear me?" groaned Mentok, "Boy, you have bad ears! You see, everyone's memories are reset, like a universal deneurolizer, even us, to an extent, all because of, you guessed it, Kratos."

"Oh, great, it's Kratos again!" I ranted angrily, "Oh, thanks a lot, God of War! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?"

"I know, I know, it sucks," calmed Mentok as he handed me some Tylenol, me gulping them down like M&M's and Eminem, "It seems Kratos wanted to do something else, something not done yet that we hadn't had the time to do yet, it sucks…royally."

"So, how do we fix this?" I asked cautiously.

He then moved his face near my face and said, "If we knew that, I'd get us out of this shit in a millisecond." If you're going to smooch me, give me a warning first.

"Care to explain a bit more, Mr. Possible Homosexual?" I interrogated and taunted.

"Very well, Mr. Definetly Bisexual," replied Mentok, standing straight again, "Kratos has no knowledge of this all, as well as the fact that we keep on forgetting and remembering this shit over and over again, almost like this happened before in an original source, but the one person not immune to déjà vu is our own Dalek Yuki."

I turned to Dalek Yuki, asking, "Is that true?"

"CORRECT, MONGREL!" screamed Dalek Yuki, jeez!

"How do you transcend space and time?" I asked confusion, "You ain't no Data Interface, you're a Dalek!"

"I WILL EXPLAAAAAIIIN!" screamed Dalek Yuki, "YOU SEE, I MUST FIRST TELL YOU, I USED TO BE A MAN!"

"…What!" I let out in confusion.

"AND MY NAME WAS NOT DALEK YUKI, IT WAS DALEK CAAN!" Dalek Yuki screamed and explained, "I WENT BACK IN TIME A LONG TIME AGO, THROUGH THE TIME STREAM, AND WENT MAD!"

I looked at her for a while, then saying, "No, no, please continue. I just found out the girl I had hots for is a post-op transvestite."

"I HAVE BECOME A DIFFERENT PART OF THE TIME STREAAAAM! NOT BOUND BY THEIR RULES, EXCEPT FOR THE PART THAT I AM TRAPPED IN A TIME LOOOOOOP! I REMEMBER EVERY SINGLE DETAIL, IN FACT, IT IS STARTING TO ANNOY ME!"

"So, we have been repeating the same shtick over and over again?" I asked in confusion.

"WROOOOONG!" screamed Dalek Yuki, "SOMETIMES WE GO FISHING, AND SOMETIMES WE DO NOT! SOMETIMES WE GOD BUG CATCHING, SOMETIMES WE DO NOT! SOMETIMES WE HAVE GROUP SE…"

"Okay, okay, I get it!" I interrupted loudly, "How many times did we repeat the summer?"

"OVER 9,000!" screamed Dalek Yuki.

"What! 9,000!" I yelled out in disbelief.

"NO SHIT!" screamed Dalek Yuki, "IN FACT, WE WERE ALL PULLED INTO THIS UNIVERSE BY A HIGHER, IF NOT LESSER INTELLIGENT BEING!"

"What do you mean?" I asked Dalek Caan…I mean Yuki.

"YOU USED TO BE A CASHIER IN AN UNDERSEA RESTAURANT, YES?" Dalek Yuki interrogated.

"Um, yeah, yes I was," I replied quickly, "I remember now!"

"I know my whole back-story!" interrupted Azula, still crying, "I was a Fire Princess, and I was contacted by the Borg to go back in time!"

"I used to be a judge!" added Mentok, then attempting to be sexy by saying, "A sexy judge."

"WE WERE ALL SOMEHOW DRAWN INTO THIS UNIVERSE, FOR SOMEONE'S AMUSEMENT!" screamed Dalek Yuki. I don't think anyone is paying attention.

We all decided it was nothing and return to our studies…why did I say that? But nonetheless, damn Dalek Yuki, repeating the summer over and over again, no wonder you are really grumpy.

As I looked back from my front door, I just realized something…

…

I could have had a V8!

* * *

><p>The next night, we went up to Dalek Yuki's rooftop to go stargazing and to hide from the police after killing a school bus full of puppies. Mentok brought the telescope. That is all I have to say about that.<p>

"I wonder if they are real," growled Kratos as he looked through the telescope.

"No, those tits aren't real," commenting on Azula, I was. Yoda, I am not.

"I mean Martians, dummy!" yelled Kratos, "I bet they are creatures that have tripods that will attempt to colonize our world with red root and soon die out from disease."

"Yeah, I could see that," I replied, looking into the city.

Later then, Kratos went to sleep, laying himself on the roof of Dalek Yuki's starship, with Azula sleeping against the wall of the building. Me and Mentok just watched them all, just watching, like guys with no lives, you know, fanfic writers.

"I still don't know what Kratos wants that will set everything back to normal!" I groaned, sighing and then continuing, "I guess we'll be stuck in an infinite loop for all eternity…"

"I have an idea!" yelled Mentok, then putting his arm around my shoulders and pressing his face against mine, then whispering, "How 'bout you go over to Kratos, and tell him, 'You're my best friend', hell, try saying 'I love you', that would get slash fanfic writers a boner!"

I glared at Mentok and pshed his face away from me, causing him to stumble backwards and fall on his ass, "I say no, even at the cost of our only escape, because I am an asshole!"

"No shit," replied Mentok as he got up, he then looked at Kratos and said, "Maybe I should give it a try…nah, that would only anger him."

"And me doing it won't!" I argued.

"…Good point, don't try it," replied Mentok after giving it some thought.

* * *

><p>The next day, we decided to go batting at the batting range, were Kratos was killing. No, really, the <span>base<span>balls were hitting people so hard it cracked skulls!

I walked over to Dalek Yuki, who was just standing near a seat. I sat next to her, just looking at the ground, then saying, "I think bananas might have intelligence."

"SO DO IIII!" screamed Dalek Yuki.

After releasing that tid-bit of useless knowledge, I decided to ask a real question, "So, you knew about this time-loop crap way before the others, right?"

"CORRECT, SQUIDWAAAARD!" screamed Dalek Yuki.

"So, why didn't you tell us about it?" I interrogated.

"THE TRUTH IS THAT I JUST THOUGHT OF IT NOW!" replied Dalek Yuki. I had no choice but to face-palm as Kratos hit the target, causing it to fall and cut a child's leg off.

"My baby!" screamed a woman.

"SHUT UP!" I yelled in anger.

* * *

><p>We kept moving with the paces, the trek through the graveyard full of werewolves, watching the final Harry Potter movie (it rocked), going bowling for apples, me singing a karaoke version of "Tequila" and sucking, and meeting Davy Jones, he's a prick in real life, not like the very polite Dark Lord Voldemort.<p>

As we went from activity through activity, I always wondered what that thing was that Kratos was missing, to keep him from causing time to loop again. But what can I do, I just saved the universe only once, and solved a murder attempt, but that was all.

I thought of all this as I walked home, awaiting August the 30th, and then, the day after tomorrow, we do the obnoxious story arc.

Then…it happened.

I entered my house, but…it wasn't my house, yet it was. It was my old house, completely like before. The bamboo couch, my endless gallery of beautiful art, my television. I looked outside to see a pineapple, and the other to see a large boulder.

I ran upstairs and went into my Music Room, seeing my clarinet on the stool. My god, I…I'm home…

…

…I'm finally home…all this time…so many periods…so little page space.

Suddenly, when I blinked my eyes, it was gone, and I was in my old room. Why? Why was all I could ask in my head, as a tear left my eye and dripped down my large nose.

Why?

Meh, probably smoked too much weed.

* * *

><p>The next day, we all sat at the diner, all of us silent, except, well of course, Kratos, who was finishing up the list.<p>

"That's it, we have done everything, even the trip to Paris, I don't know how we did _that_ in a short amount of time," said Kratos, "But maybe there is something we could have also done, it just feels so empty…"

We all didn't respond, we just looked slightly pissed and played with our food, Kratos looking at all of us in confusion.

"You're right, that's all," growled Kratos as he crumpled up the paper. That's not all, it's never enough with you! We busted our asses and killed and maimed multiple people because of you!

I bet you are thinking this is the part where I run after Kratos, but some malevolent force pushes me back, but you are wrong…it's worse.

The doors slam open, revealing the Banana Slug, sliding down the linoleum towards us, slowly, incredibly slowly, almost unrealistically slowly, even for a slug.

For thirty minutes we watched him crawl to us, his red beady eyes looking around, his yellow skin oozing green slime from his brown stripes, his nostrils flaring with green mucus, and his teeth out in the open, his dirty yellow teeth that look like they could skin a boar, hiding his blue mouth.

He then climbed up on the table, looked at us all dead in the eyes, staying silent, for ten minutes, he then spoke, "…YOU'RE FIRED!"

We all looked at him with confusion, fear, and just plain old WTF. He then continued, "Yep, you're fired! All of you! Get out! Sign your resume! See if you can spell your fuckin' name right! I'm gonna go masturbate to a picture of Yuki Nagato!"

He then slithered down from the table, still going incredibly slow. We were all silent, until Kratos then finally yelled out one thing…

…

"…WHAT!"

* * *

><p><strong>The Banana Slug: …Yep. Play the walking theme for the Incredible Hulk now, the mood asks for it.<strong>

**P.S. This is not the end.**


End file.
